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TV Wasteland: Before the Game Begins...
We mark time until Game of Thrones kicks off.
By Rob Vaux
March 11, 2013
Game of Thrones returns in two weeks!
The cool new stuff? It’s coming at the end of the month. (Game of Thrones, we’re looking at you.) For now, it’s just more of the same on the Wasteland. Not that that’s an entirely bad thing, Just take a look!
The Following (Fox, 9:00 PM EDT)
A new team leader comes on, which makes some of the natives restless.
Continuum (Syfy, 8:00 PM EDT)
Kiera and Carlos pick up a tip about explosive components being gathered at Roland’s farm.
Being Human (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
The virus pushes Aidan to the point of death, while Sally develops some unhealthy appetites.
Lost Girl (Syfy, 10:00 PM EDT)
Bo takes a night off, which probably goes pear-shaped before it’s over. Otherwise, we’d have to watch her sitting on the couch for an hour…
Hitman (FMC, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
As a fellow bald man, I confess I’m not nearly as cool as the main character here. I just wish I was.
Paul (Cinemax, 6:45 PM EDT)
Simon Pegg and Nick Frost still make an amazing duo, as they help an amiable alien escape the clutches of the U.S. government.
Final Destination 5 (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EDT)
I don’t say this often, but without the 3-D, it is nothing.
Face Off (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
We’re down to the last five contestants, who need to make mummy ensembles based on the new Evil Dead film.
Robot Combat League (Syfy, 10:00 PM EDT)
It’s Hammer vs. Drone Strike and AXE vs. Game Over. I imagine they will rock ‘em and sock ‘em to the delight of all.
Real Steel (Showtime, 7:50 PM EDT)
Hugh Jackman gets into the rock ‘em sock ‘em robot action himself with surprisingly decent results.
Catwoman (AMC, 8:00 PM EDT)
AMC delivers a steaming platter of Halle Berry tonight. Sadly, it starts with this.
Swordfish (AMC, 10:00 PM EDT)
Definitely a step up from Catwoman, though the pleasures definitely don’t come any guiltier.
From Dusk till Dawn (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EDT)
Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino goof on vampire stories with George Clooney along for the ride. A hoot for the right sort, though sensitive types might be better off with a nice Disney film instead.
Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs (FMC, 7:00 PM EDT and 9:00 PM EDT)
Pegg strikes again, though this time even he can’t save an anemic animated sequel from collapsing on itself.
Star Trek (FX, 6:00 PM EDT)
Just in case the new one sucks, let’s remember how awesome this one was.
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (IFC, 8:00 PM EDT)
Sam Rockwell steals the show, but Hobbit fans will appreciate Martin Freeman as another put-upon genre icon.
The Hills Have Eyes (IFC, 10:15 PM EDT)
This is the Wes Craven original, not the (surprisingly good) remake.
Haunted Collector (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
We’re back to New England, where a haunted Boston cigar bar and an upscale New York mansion get the night-vision treatment.
Stranded (Syfy, 10:00 PM EDT)
The family of a departed resident stays at an abandoned prison in West Virginia in an attempt to make contact. Because apparently, there’s nothing better to do in West Virginia.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (HBO, 6:30 PM EDT)
The third and fifth entries in the Harry Potter saga touch down tonight. This one has the benefit of no commercials.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (ABC Family, 8:00 PM EDT)
Basic cable gives us a little Delores Umbridge to counteract HBO’s Sirius Black.
Cowboys and Aliens (HBO, 9:00 PM EDT)
You’ve got to do more than give us an interesting title, guys.
The Faculty (IFC, 8:00 PM EDT)
Robert Rodriguez delivers a fun take on the alien invasion story.
Evil Dead II (IFC, 10:15 PM EDT)
Before the new one comes out, best remind yourself just whose boots it has to fill.
Batman Begins (Spike, 8:30 PM EDT)
Speaking of boots to fill… how badly is Warners going to miss Christopher Nolan?
Arthur Christmas (Starz, 9:00 PM EDT)
Ah Aardman, you take the pain away.
Freaky Friday (Starz, 10:40 PM EDT)
Someday, they’re going to show the version of this film that doesn’t involve a celebrity train wreck.
Underworld (AMC, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:31 PM EDT)
Thesis: Underworld actually harmed Kate Beckinsale’s career more than it helped. Discuss.
Gattaca (BBC America, 9:00 PM EDT)
Science fiction doesn’t always mean dumb explosions and robots. Case in point…
Arrow and Supernatural are reruns this week.
The Big Bang Theory (CBS, 8:00 PM EDT)
Howard finds a letter from his father, who abandoned him as a teenager, while Leonard and Penny try to act like adults for one night.
Elementary (CBS, 10:00 PM EDT)
Holmes investigates a murder hinted at by a missing woman on a video recording.
The Vampire Diaries (The CW, 8:00 PM EDT)
Elena heads back to high school and becomes a cheerleader. In case you worried about this show not being frothy enough.
Beauty and the Beast (The CW, 9:00 PM EDT)
Cat puts the squeeze on someone who witnessed Vincent’s, um, freak-outs.
The Amazing Spider-Man (Starz, 6:25 PM EDT)
The reboot was a little soon, but you can’t say it didn’t work.
Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai (Sundance, 8:00 PM EDT)
Forest Whitaker shines in one of the best performances of his career, playing a mob hitman who adheres to the ancient code of bushido.
A Clockwork Orange (Sundance, 10:00 PM EDT)
It’s not quite the masterpiece that its reputation suggests, but there is truly nothing else in the world like it.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (ABC Family, 7:30 PM EDT)
For the second time this week, ABC Family and HBO square off with dueling Harry Potter films.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2 (HBO, 8:00 PM EDT)
It’s a hell of a send-off, as send-offs go.
Grimm (NBC, 9:00 PM EDT)
A group of Wesen hit upon an innovative way to rob banks: go in their natural forms which serve as a “disguise.” Pity it breaks all kinds of laws.
Nikita (The CW, 8:00 PM EDT)
Amanda takes Alex hostage in a play to get Ari back. Nikita, presumably, will step in.
Spartacus: War of the Damned (Starz, 9:00 PM EDT)
Spartacus has to figure out how to spring a segment of his army trapped on a snowbound ridge. On the other side, Crassus face problems with those closest to him… which in this world is really a lot more serious than it sounds.
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (AMC, 7:30 PM EDT)
It’s terrible… and yet they keep showing it to us.
Starship Troopers (BBC America, 8:00 PM EDT)
Ah Paul Verhoeven, we savor your Crazy like fine wine…
The Terminator (Cinemax, 8:10 PM EDT)
I can’t believe it’s old enough to be considered a “classic,” but there it is.
Live Free or Die Hard (FMC, 8:00 PM EDT)
A middling effort in the franchise, redeemed by Timothy Olyphant having fun as the villain.
The Green Mile (Spike, 5:30 PM EDT)
Frank Darabont gets a little self-indulgent, which keeps this first-rate Stephen King adaptation from joining the ranks of the very best.
Independence Day (Spike, 10:00 PM EDT)
As long as we have Macs and crop dusters, everything will be fine.
The Darkest Hour (Showtime, 9:00 PM EDT)
Showtime uncorks this ridiculous alien invasion story, which came and went without much fanfare a while back.
IFC Horror Marathon (IFC, 3:15 PM EDT)
IFC runs a whole passel of shockers in an attempt to convince us that they’re still edgy and relevant. It starts with Exorcismus at 3:15 PM EDT, following by Creepshow at 5:30 PM EDT, Scream at 8:00 PM EDT, Hostel Part II at 10:30 PM EDT and Saw II at 12:30 AM EDT. A mixed bag at best, but at least you won’t have to change the channel.
Men in Black Trilogy (Starz, 5:50 PM EDT, 7:30 PM EDT and 9:00 PM EDT)
They're airing all three as a way of kicking off the cable premiere of Part Three (which repeats Sunday at 7:05 PM EDT.)
John Carter (Starz, 10:50 PM EDT)
Already the worm begins to turn…
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (Syfy, 6:30 PM EDT)
They should have quit while they were ahead.
Underworld Evolution (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (TNT, 7:00 PM EDT)
Remember how it all began with Peter Jackson’s unparalleled fantasy adaptation.
Journey to the Center of the Earth (TNT, 10:45 PM EDT)
Any resemblance to the source material is purely coincidental.
Godzilla (AMC, 8:00 PM EDT)
Are they still letting the Roland Emmerich film get aired?
The Day After Tomorrow (Cinemax, 6:50 PM EDT)
Apparently, Emmerich gets carte blanche on tonight’s cable schedule.
Wrath of the Titans (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EDT)
Nice try guys, but the mulligan really didn’t take.
Ghost Rider (FX, 10:00 PM EDT)
Remember: Marvel has stinkers too.
The Walking Dead (AMC, 9:00 PM EDT)
The Governor has his hands full with a rebel in his midst. Several of them, actually.
Once Upon a Time (ABC, 8:00 PM EDT)
They’re being pretty sparse about the details this week, though it is indeed a new episode.
Being John Malkovich (Sundance, 10:00 PM EDT)
I wonder what kind of medical problems would result from working in that 1/2 floor place…
Leprechaun and Leprechaun 2 (Syfy, 7:00 PM EDT and 9:00 PM EDT)
It tops Jennifer Aniston’s resume. Really.
Twilight (ABC Family, 7:00 PM EDT and 9:30 PM EDT)
Oh for fuck’s sake, aren’t we done with all this?
The Twilight Saga: New Moon and Eclipse (FX, 6:00 PM EDT and 9:00 PM EDT)
The Shining (BBC America, 8:00 PM EDT)
At least there’s Jack Nicholson to chase our blues away.
The Dark Knight (TNT, 8:00 PM EDT)
Green Lantern (Cinemax, 8:00 PM EDT)
Without Nolan. Any questions?