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TV Wasteland: Finale-O-Rama
A number of shows end their seasons this week.
By Rob Vaux
May 13, 2013
Slowly but surely, various shows are wrapping up their seasons. Of course, in this day and age, that doesn’t mean much at all. Who’s bowing out and who’s starting up? You can find the answers below.
Revolution (NBC, 10:00 PM EDT)
Miles and Nora unleash their burning passion for each other as the militia launches a new series of drone attacks.
Bates Motel (A&E, 10:00 PM EDT)
Emma leaves town, just as Dylan and Bradley find some new things in common.
Defiance (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
Nolan and Amanda undertake a dangerous prisoner transport out of town
Warehouse 13 (Syfy, 10:00 PM EDT)
Film noir time! Bering and Latimer get sucked into a crime novel and have to work themselves out of it. In black and white no less.
Cowboys and Aliens (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EDT)
It’s not that it’s bad so much as surprisingly uninteresting. And for a movie featuring both James Bond and Indiana jones, that’s unconscionable.
2012 (FMC, 8:00 PM EDT)
The goofy! It burns! IT BURNS!!!
The Shining (IFC, 8:00 PM EDT)
Jack Nicholson = scary. Any questions?
Total Recall (Starz, 10:05 PM EDT)
Another pointless remake undone by a complete lack of understanding of the original.
Grimm (NBC, 10:00 PM EDT)
Nick and Hank check out a series of folks who have died more than once, suggesting that a zombie plague may have arrived in Portland.
Weird or What? (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
Another two-episode extravaganza covers freaky weather and stories of parallel dimensions.
Beetlejuice (ABC Family, 9:00 PM EDT)
He’s still the ghost with the most… and Tim Burton is still riding the currency he earned with it.
Star Trek (FX, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:30 PM EDT)
Gee, is there a sequel of some sort opening soon? Repeats on Sunday at the same times.
Orlando (Sundance, 9:30 PM EDT)
For those who like their genre on the intellectual side, Sally Potter has a funky little treat about a young man who never ages… and turns into a woman to boot.
Snow White and the Huntsman (HBO, 8:00 PM EDT)
Kristen Stewart still blinks in Morse Code.
Punisher: War Zone (IFC, 10:30 PM EDT)
Ray Stevenson does surprisingly well as The Punisher. A pity that no one saw the film.
Arrow (The CW, 8:00 PM EDT)
Season One ends with Oliver and Diggle throwing down against the Dark Archer. Don’t worry fans; Arrow has already been renewed.
Supernatural (The CW, 9:00 PM EDT)
Crowley stands ready to really mess things up as Season Eight draws to a close. Season Nine has already been locked in.
Haunted Collector (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
The crew checks out a seminary with a ghostly past.
Deep South Paranormal (Syfy, 10:00 PM EDT)
We head to the bayou for more chicken-fried supernatural sightings.
Forbidden Planet (TCM, 8:00 PM EDT)
One of the best science fiction films ever made stands as a high point for the week. Not to be missed under any circumstances!
Spellbound (TCM, 10:00 PM EDT)
Salvador Dali designed the dream sequences in this fair-to-middling Hitchcock thriller about an amnesia victim who may or may not be a killer.
Alice in Wonderland (ABC Family, 6:00 PM EDT)
It’s the Tim Burton version, which is a lot less exciting than some of the other versions.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (ABC Family, 8:30 PM EDT)
Tim Burton owns ABC Family tonight, though that’s not an entirely good thing. It repeats on Thursday at 6:00 PM EDT.
Hook (BBC America, 8:00 PM EDT)
I’m going to call this Steven Spielberg’s worst movie to date. Anyone care to disagree?
Troy (Cinemax, 7:15 PM EDT)
My God, does Sean Bean survive to the end of this one? Stone the crows!
The Apparition (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EDT)
Ever wonder what Draco Malfoy has been up to since Harry Potter? Now you have your answer. Yeah, we’re kind of underwhelmed too.
Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted (HBO, 7:45 PM EDT)
I’m still stunned at how not-shitty this animated sequel is.
National Treasure: Book of Secrets (Spike, 8:00 PM EDT)
This one’s pretty shitty, but it’s a harmless kind of shitty, so I bear it no ill will.
The Big Bang Theory (CBS, 8:00 PM EDT)
In the Season Six finale, Leonard gets an overseas job opportunity, raising the question of whether he might leave for good.
Elementary (CBS, 9:00 PM EDT)
It’s a two-hour episode and the title is “The Woman,” so we’re guessing Irene Adler gets involved.
Hannibal (NBC, 10:01 PM EDT)
Somebody’s trying to catch Hannibal’s eye… by opening up peoples’ vocal chords. Kinky.
The Vampire Diaries (The CW, 8:00 PM EDT)
And yet another season finale! Ghosts crop up on graduation day, hoping to kill some folks and find eternal peace.
Beauty and the Beast (The CW, 9:00 PM EDT)
The first season comes to a close as Cat learns some secrets about her family past. The CW has already picked it up, so good news for fans!
The Woman in Black (Showtime, 7:30 PM EDT)
Daniel Radcliffe scores a real winner in his first post-Potter outing. Sometimes, the old-fashioned scares are the best.
Looper (Starz, 6:50 PM EDT)
This nifty thriller ranks with the likes of District 9 and Children of Men as one of the best science fiction films of the new millennium.
The Hills Have Eyes (IFC, 10:15 PM EDT)
It’s the remake, which is actually okay in our book.
Scream 4 (Showtime, 9:05 PM EDT)
This slow, tired and utterly forgettable outing brings an already overrated franchise to a close.
Doom (Spike, 10:00 PM EDT)
Video game adaptations: just say no.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (ABC Family, 8:30 PM EDT)
Once again, heart and soul trumps a big Hollywood budget.
Sky High (Disney, 8:30 PM EDT)
Lynda Carter is still smoking hot. That is all.
Premonition (FMC, 7:00 PM EDT and 9:00 PM EDT)
Sandra Bullock is a sweet gal, but she needs to stay away from the supernatural thrillers.
The Green Hornet (FX, 7:00 PM EDT)
Replace “Sandra Bullock” with “Seth Rogen” and “supernatural thrillers” with “comic book heroes,” and you’ll have the review here.
Journey 2: The Mysterious Island (HBO, 7:45 PM EDT)
Shitty 3D, slumming stars, total disregard of Jules Verne… do yourself a favor and just hunt down the Ray Harryhausen version.
Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country and Star Trek: First Contact (Syfy, 7:00 PM EDT and 9:30 PM EDT)
Two of the better entries in the Trek franchise make Syfy the go-to place for basic cable tonight.
Nikita (The CW, 8:00 PM EDT)
Amanda launches her master plan in the Season Three finale. No word on whether the show will be renewed or not, though it looks likely at this point.
Da Vinci’s Demons (Starz, 9:00 PM EDT)
Leonardo heads to Transylvania to rap with none other than Vlad Dracula himself. Intriguing…
Merlin (Syfy, 10:00 PM EDT)
A druid girl in league with Mordred tries to assassinate Arthur, which really makes Arthur cranky for some reason.
TRON (BBC America, 8:00 PM EDT)
The original not-quite-a-classic arrives to remind everyone what we thought about computers in 1982.
The Watch (Cinemax, 9:15 PM EDT)
This turkey about suburbanites repelling an alien invasion cannot possibly leave our television screens fast enough.
Cloverfield (FMC, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
POV camera shots highlight a not-at-all-bad monster mash from several years ago.
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (HBO, 8:00 PM EDT)
I’d pay real money to see Daniel Day-Lewis do a version of this.
Raiders of the Lost Ark and Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (Spike, 7:00 PM EDT and 9:30 PM EDT)
The immortal Raiders and less-immortal Temple kick off a weekend of Indy on Spike.
The Scorpion King and The Scorpion King 2 (AMC, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
And you’re watching this instead of Raiders because…?
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (TNT, 8:00 PM EDT)
It’s a hell of a lot longer with all the commercials, but who cares?
Doctor Who (BBC America, 8:00 PM EDT)
Once again, we have a season-ender this week, as a heretofore unknown secret about the Doctor comes to light. Our good buddy Marcia has the scoop over at Confessions of a Neowhovian.
Bride of Frankenstein (TCM, 8:00 PM EDT)
TCM delivers another undisputed classic in Henry Whale’s, clever, campy follow-up to the original Frankenstein.
Brave (Starz, 8:00 PM EDT)
Disney really stepped in it with their “princess” redesign of the heroine here, didn’t they?
Cars 2 (Starz, 9:40 PM EDT)
One of Pixar’s few genuine misfires closes out an underwhelming evening on Starz.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 (ABC Family, 7:30 PM EDT)
Harry and the gang go on the lam in the precursor to his final showdown with Voldemort. A solid outing from the thoroughly reliable saga.
300 (AMC, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:30 PM EDT)
I’ll admit it: I never get tired of watching Gerard Butler bellow in this film.
Underdog (Cartoon, 7:00 PM EDT)
Oh Peter Dinklage, how could you?
Mr. and Mrs. Smith (Cinemax, 8:00 PM EDT)
Witness the epic beginnings of Brangelina, unfolding right in front of us on the screen.
Battleship (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EDT)
I just want to hear one Hasbro executive say that this was a mistake. Just one.
Hot Tub Time Machine (Comedy, 9:00 PM EDT)
John Cusack and his buddies get a chance to change the past when they go back in time to the glory days of the 1980s. It repeats on Sunday at 6:45 PM EDT.
Legends of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole (Disney, 8:00 PM EDT)
Man of Steel needs to be a lot better than this one Zack
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (FX, 6:00 PM EDT)
Michael Bay at his most incoherent. At least we still get Peter Cullen as Optimus.
Indiana Jones Trilogy (Spike, 2:45 PM EDT, 5:30 PM EDT and 8:15 PM EDT)
Spike is showing the first three Indy movies in sequence, starting with Raiders. You could definitely do worse.
Game of Thrones (HBO, 9:00 PM EDT)
King’s Landing hosts a wedding while Daenerys meets the Titan’s Bastard.
Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (BBC America, 8:00 PM EDT)
Kevin Costner bad. Alan Rickman good. Wait, whose side are we on again?
Deep Impact (Cinemax, 6:15 PM EDT)
The comet will be stopped by the overwhelming power of Morgan Freeman’s voice.
Rambo III (Cinemax, 8:15 PM EDT)
Seriously: he gets help from bin Laden here. How the times have changed…
Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (HBO, 6:45 PM EDT)
Robert Downey has a good sequel in theaters now, so we’ll give him a break on this bad one.
Inglourious Basterds (TNT, 8:00 PM EDT)
Christophe Waltz needs to keep working with Quentin; the Oscars just fall from the sky when he does.
Underworld: Evolution and Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (Syfy, 7:00 PM EDT and 9:00 PM EDT)
The soft, mushy middle entries in the Underworld franchise actually aren’t too bad if you lower your sights.
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (Spike, 6:00 PM EDT and 9:00 PM EDT)
You can’t argue with the quality of Part Three, and Part Four isn’t nearly as bad as most people pretend.
The Shawshank Redemption (IFC, 8:00 PM EDT)
The best Stephen King adaptation ever. Bar none.
Have a great week everyone!