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TV Wasteland: We Got Your Back

Christian Slater and Breaking In lives to fight another day.

By Rob Vaux     March 04, 2012

 

Breaking In returns this Tuesday! And since I am literally the only one who cares, I’ll just jump into this week’s list.
 
Monday
Alcatraz (Fox, 8:00 PM EST)
Fox is running two episodes tonight. The first deals with a murderous pair of brothers while the second details the return of Sonny Burnett.
 
Being Human (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
The Reaper lays down the law to Sally, while Aidan plans a messy end for the Bishop's orphaned children.
 
Lost Girl (Syfy, 10:00 PM EST)
Bo rallies to the side of a condemned woman whom she believes is innocent. I'm sure there's some fairy stuff involved in there somewhere.
 
Shrek Forever After (Cinemax, 8:30 PM EST)
There are worse ways to close out a franchise, though the fourth entry in the Shrek saga can't begin to hold a candle to the first two.
 
I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (FMC, 7:00 PM EST)
It can't topple Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo for title of goofiest movie name ever, but damn if it doesn't make a hell of a run at it.
 
Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian (FX, 8:00 PM EST)
This isn't a particularly silly name, but it is unduly long.
 
The Thirteenth Floor (FMC, 9:00 PM EST)
Imagine if, you will, a bunch of monumentally uninteresting characters standing around and talking about the plot of The Matrix, and you'll have a good idea of the magic this film has in store for you.
 
Sucker Punch (HBO, 9:00 PM EST)
The title refers to the way it treats its audience. Fairly warned thee be, says I.
 
Pan's Labyrinth (IFC, 8:00 PM EST)
So much The Awesome...
 
Mimic (IFC, 10:30 PM EST)
IFC wisely pairs Guillermo del Toro's creative triumph with a lesser known but very interesting effort about giant insects dwelling in the subway tunnels beneath New York.
 
The Green Hornet (Starz, 10:00 PM EST)
Seth Rogen... really?
 
Tuesday
Breaking In (Fox, 9:30 PM EST)
Fox's Comeback Kid returns for new episodes, featuring Christian Slater as the fiendish head of a securities firm that specializes in cracking the uncrackable. It's worth a look, so check it out.
 
The Day After Tomorrow (FX, 7:30 PM EST)
Run! That weather front is right behind you!
 
Independence Day (HBO, 6:00 PM EST)
It's an election year, which means that Bill Pullman suddenly looks awfully good compared to any of the real-life guys of either party competing for the White House.
 
The Crazies (Starz, 9:00 PM EST)
Try to find the Romero original if you can, though this 2010 remake will do in a pinch.
 
Anaconda 3 (Syfy, 7:00 PM EST)
John Rhys-Davies is a long way from Middle Earth in this paying-the-rent slumfest.
 
Lake Placid 3 (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Yes. It exists. Take a minute to grapple with the horror and we'll move on.
 
Wednesday
Ghost Hunters International (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
The team ranges from a chateau in France to an Aztec cave in Belize in their efforts to track down evidence of supernatural manifestation.
 
Face Off (Syfy, 10:00 PM EST)
At the Los Angeles Natural History museum, the contestants must create a human-dinosaur hybrid while facing a double elimination.
 
Face/Off (Cinemax,7:35 PM EST)
John Woo's Hollywood career never came close to his Asian one, but for this loopy near-masterpiece in which John Travolta and Nicolas Cage inadvertently exchange identities. Also, I'm so glad I could slide this one next to the TV show that shares its name. :)
 
X-Men: First Class (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EST)
The title aptly sums up this masterful comic book adaptation: easily the best in the entire X-Men series.
 
Jennifer's Body (FX, 8:00 PM EST)
Yeah I'm still gonna defend this one. It's got some cool in there.
 
Thursday
The Big Bang Theory (CBS, 8:00 PM EST)
Sheldon’s in deep trouble again when he opts to play video games instead of attending a birthday party with Amy. Those without sin can cast the first stone.
 
Red Riding Hood (Cinemax, 8:15 PM EST)
I used to think that Amanda Seyfried was better than this, but if she doesn't pick up her game soon, I'm going to revise that hypothesis.
 
Pulp Fiction (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EST)
Simply put, one of the coolest movies ever made.
 
Hard Candy (IFC, 8:00 PM EST)
Careful with that piece of jailbait. She has a taser and a plan for your nut-sack that you are NOT going to like.
 
The Amityville Horror (Syfy, 7:00 PM EST)
That Ryan Reynolds sure does love his axe, doesn't he?
 
The Skeleton Key (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
A lame ending doesn't get redeemed if it's a twist. That just makes it a lame ending that increases your irritation at the filmmakers.
 
Arsenic and Old Lace (TCM, 8:00 PM EST)
The trendsetter for black comedies arrives on TCM, poison bottle at the ready.
 
The Vampire Diaries is a rerun. The Secret Circle is off.
 
Friday
Grimm (NBC, 8:00 PM EST)
An arson case leads the detectives to the world of fire dancing in search of a suspect. Presumably, there's a monster in there somewhere as well.
 
Spartacus: Vengeance (Starz, 10:00 PM EST)
While Spartacus further swells his ranks, Lucretia turns to a former gladiator to help outmaneuver some of her peskier political rivals.
 
Merlin (Syfy, 10:00 PM EST)
The knights of Camelot encounter an ancient shrine, complete with its own unquiet entity ready to make their lives hell.
 
Star Wars: The Clone Wars (Cartoon, 8:00 PM EST)
The final arc continues, with more Darth Maul action!
 
Lake Placid (AMC, 8:00 PM EST)
The first one isn't great shakes, but it beats the pants off of the sequels. Also, it features a giant alligator and who doesn't love that?
 
The Exorcist (BBC America, 8:00 PM EST)
Leave it to the BBC to class up the joint with one of the best horror movies ever made.
 
Alice in Wonderland (ABC Family, 8:30 PM EST)
Trust me, breaking it up for basic cable isn't going to improve it at all.
 
Darkman (Cinemax, 7:20 PM EST)
Some love it. I don't. Liam Neeson just isn't right for this particular form of comedy, and Sam Raimi really drops the ball in terms of the tone he's trying to set. He did much better with Spider-Man.
 
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (FX, 6:00 PM EST)
Now even MORE incoherent!
 
Nikita and Supernatural are reruns. Fringe is off.
 
Saturday
Being Human (BBC America, 9:00 PM EST)
Hal needs to get a job, presumably one that doesn't involve any bloodletting. Though you never know; with the economy the way it is these days...
 
Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (ABC Family, 8:00 PM EST)
The first and still the best of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise arrives to but the "Arrgh" in your Sat-arrgh-day. :)
 
Battle: Los Angeles (Starz, 7:00 PM EST)
Still worth a look, though it might not be worth two.
 
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (Starz, 9:00 PM EST)
Most folks aren't fond of this one, but it still made tons of money. I'm personally fond of it... and had they eliminated the Penelope Cruz role, I suspect a lot more people would be a lot more favorably disposed towards it.
 
Resident Evil: Apocalypse (Syfy, 7:00 PM EST)
Just to be clear, this is the one where Milla Jovovich fights zombies.
 
X-Men (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Marvel achieved its first mainstream movie success with Blade, but this film definitely helped accelerate the trend.
 
Sunday
The Walking Dead (AMC, 9:00 PM EST)
Something scary has been stalking the farm, prompting the boys to set up patrols in hopes of countering it.
 
Comic Book Men (AMC, 10:00 PM EST)
Another new episode, that's all we know. I'm not sure there's a whole lot of variation to the formula here.
 
Once Upon a Time (ABC, 8:00 PM EST)
It's time for Little Red Riding Hood to take a turn in the spotlight, as Ruby quits the diner while the fairy-tale Red takes a much different approach to the whole wolf thing.
 
End of Days (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
The plot, the state of Schwarzenegger's career at the time... this title works on so many levels!

COMMENTS AND RESPONSES

Showing items 1 - 10 of 19
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DaForce1 3/4/2012 2:41:05 PM

 First off, Young Justice is back on Saturday mornings with new episodes on Cartoon Network. Unfortunately, CN didn't bother doing any advertising for it like they have for Clone Wars tired plotlines. Also, the Green Lantern (poorly) animated series is on right before Young Justice. 

Rob, you're not the only one who liked Breaking In. I heard they did a little bit of rebooting to the series, hopefully it doesn't  change it too much. 

hanso 3/4/2012 2:46:18 PM

 Breaking In?  Vaux, I better see you show "Community" some love on in next week's TV Wasteland.

Wiseguy 3/4/2012 3:56:17 PM

After finishing The Wire I fully intended to catch up on Once Upon a Time but the damned ABC site  only has about 3 or 4 eps. available and xfinnity only makes available the same content as the abc site. I just took it for granted and assumed they'd have the entire season thus far. Guess more time for me to keep working on my time warp machine

fenngibbon 3/4/2012 4:03:08 PM

 Thank you for giving some love to "Arsenic and Old Lace."  The only problem with the movie is that the "He looks like Boris Karloff" bit about Jonathan Brewster doesn't work as well without Karloff in the role (he played the role in the original theatrical production, and stayed to preserved the marquee value of the play while much of the original cast took time off to do the movie).

hanso 3/4/2012 4:07:38 PM

 Wise, that's why man invented torrents yo!

Wiseguy 3/4/2012 5:08:15 PM

It's just not in me to illegally download stuff.

You know it's part of my warped "man code" and a man got to have a code

SarcasticCaveman 3/5/2012 1:28:55 AM

Glad my code allows for illegal downloads...I don't need reminders that I want pizza or need to think about insurance to enjoy a show!  Anyway, SOOOO GLAD that Breaking In is returning!  The Goonies episode from first season was priceless!

jppintar326 3/5/2012 4:49:44 AM

I think The Thirteenth Floor is as underrated as The Matrix is overrated.  The characters and the situations were more interesting and I liked the premise far better than the matrix.

X Men First Class the best of the X Men movies?  Really?  As good as those young actors were, they don't hold a candle to Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen.  The other mutant characters were kind of weak and Kevin Bacon was just miscast as the villain. 

xenomorph 3/5/2012 4:51:52 AM

I was browsing through best buy the other day and I came across, and this is true, Lake Placid 4. Just a matter of time until this is on syfy.

redhairs99 3/5/2012 9:53:56 AM

 Jppintar, Gotta agree.  I did enjoy the X-Men First Class flick and it's better than X3 or that Wolverine abomination, but better than X1 or X2?  I think not.

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