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TV Wasteland: We Got Your Back
Christian Slater and Breaking In lives to fight another day.
By Rob Vaux
March 04, 2012
Breaking In returns this Tuesday! And since I am literally the only one who cares, I’ll just jump into this week’s list.
Alcatraz (Fox, 8:00 PM EST)
Fox is running two episodes tonight. The first deals with a murderous pair of brothers while the second details the return of Sonny Burnett.
Being Human (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
The Reaper lays down the law to Sally, while Aidan plans a messy end for the Bishop's orphaned children.
Lost Girl (Syfy, 10:00 PM EST)
Bo rallies to the side of a condemned woman whom she believes is innocent. I'm sure there's some fairy stuff involved in there somewhere.
Shrek Forever After (Cinemax, 8:30 PM EST)
There are worse ways to close out a franchise, though the fourth entry in the Shrek saga can't begin to hold a candle to the first two.
I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (FMC, 7:00 PM EST)
It can't topple Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo for title of goofiest movie name ever, but damn if it doesn't make a hell of a run at it.
Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian (FX, 8:00 PM EST)
This isn't a particularly silly name, but it is unduly long.
The Thirteenth Floor (FMC, 9:00 PM EST)
Imagine if, you will, a bunch of monumentally uninteresting characters standing around and talking about the plot of The Matrix, and you'll have a good idea of the magic this film has in store for you.
Sucker Punch (HBO, 9:00 PM EST)
The title refers to the way it treats its audience. Fairly warned thee be, says I.
Pan's Labyrinth (IFC, 8:00 PM EST)
So much The Awesome...
Mimic (IFC, 10:30 PM EST)
IFC wisely pairs Guillermo del Toro's creative triumph with a lesser known but very interesting effort about giant insects dwelling in the subway tunnels beneath New York.
The Green Hornet (Starz, 10:00 PM EST)
Seth Rogen... really?
Breaking In (Fox, 9:30 PM EST)
Fox's Comeback Kid returns for new episodes, featuring Christian Slater as the fiendish head of a securities firm that specializes in cracking the uncrackable. It's worth a look, so check it out.
The Day After Tomorrow (FX, 7:30 PM EST)
Run! That weather front is right behind you!
Independence Day (HBO, 6:00 PM EST)
It's an election year, which means that Bill Pullman suddenly looks awfully good compared to any of the real-life guys of either party competing for the White House.
The Crazies (Starz, 9:00 PM EST)
Try to find the Romero original if you can, though this 2010 remake will do in a pinch.
Anaconda 3 (Syfy, 7:00 PM EST)
John Rhys-Davies is a long way from Middle Earth in this paying-the-rent slumfest.
Lake Placid 3 (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Yes. It exists. Take a minute to grapple with the horror and we'll move on.
Ghost Hunters International (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
The team ranges from a chateau in France to an Aztec cave in Belize in their efforts to track down evidence of supernatural manifestation.
Face Off (Syfy, 10:00 PM EST)
At the Los Angeles Natural History museum, the contestants must create a human-dinosaur hybrid while facing a double elimination.
Face/Off (Cinemax,7:35 PM EST)
John Woo's Hollywood career never came close to his Asian one, but for this loopy near-masterpiece in which John Travolta and Nicolas Cage inadvertently exchange identities. Also, I'm so glad I could slide this one next to the TV show that shares its name. :)
X-Men: First Class (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EST)
The title aptly sums up this masterful comic book adaptation: easily the best in the entire X-Men series.
Jennifer's Body (FX, 8:00 PM EST)
Yeah I'm still gonna defend this one. It's got some cool in there.
The Big Bang Theory (CBS, 8:00 PM EST)
Sheldon’s in deep trouble again when he opts to play video games instead of attending a birthday party with Amy. Those without sin can cast the first stone.
Red Riding Hood (Cinemax, 8:15 PM EST)
I used to think that Amanda Seyfried was better than this, but if she doesn't pick up her game soon, I'm going to revise that hypothesis.
Pulp Fiction (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EST)
Simply put, one of the coolest movies ever made.
Hard Candy (IFC, 8:00 PM EST)
Careful with that piece of jailbait. She has a taser and a plan for your nut-sack that you are NOT going to like.
The Amityville Horror (Syfy, 7:00 PM EST)
That Ryan Reynolds sure does love his axe, doesn't he?
The Skeleton Key (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
A lame ending doesn't get redeemed if it's a twist. That just makes it a lame ending that increases your irritation at the filmmakers.
Arsenic and Old Lace (TCM, 8:00 PM EST)
The trendsetter for black comedies arrives on TCM, poison bottle at the ready.
The Vampire Diaries is a rerun. The Secret Circle is off.
Grimm (NBC, 8:00 PM EST)
An arson case leads the detectives to the world of fire dancing in search of a suspect. Presumably, there's a monster in there somewhere as well.
Spartacus: Vengeance (Starz, 10:00 PM EST)
While Spartacus further swells his ranks, Lucretia turns to a former gladiator to help outmaneuver some of her peskier political rivals.
Merlin (Syfy, 10:00 PM EST)
The knights of Camelot encounter an ancient shrine, complete with its own unquiet entity ready to make their lives hell.
Star Wars: The Clone Wars (Cartoon, 8:00 PM EST)
The final arc continues, with more Darth Maul action!
Lake Placid (AMC, 8:00 PM EST)
The first one isn't great shakes, but it beats the pants off of the sequels. Also, it features a giant alligator and who doesn't love that?
The Exorcist (BBC America, 8:00 PM EST)
Leave it to the BBC to class up the joint with one of the best horror movies ever made.
Alice in Wonderland (ABC Family, 8:30 PM EST)
Trust me, breaking it up for basic cable isn't going to improve it at all.
Darkman (Cinemax, 7:20 PM EST)
Some love it. I don't. Liam Neeson just isn't right for this particular form of comedy, and Sam Raimi really drops the ball in terms of the tone he's trying to set. He did much better with Spider-Man.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (FX, 6:00 PM EST)
Now even MORE incoherent!
Nikita and Supernatural are reruns. Fringe is off.
Being Human (BBC America, 9:00 PM EST)
Hal needs to get a job, presumably one that doesn't involve any bloodletting. Though you never know; with the economy the way it is these days...
Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (ABC Family, 8:00 PM EST)
The first and still the best of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise arrives to but the "Arrgh" in your Sat-arrgh-day. :)
Battle: Los Angeles (Starz, 7:00 PM EST)
Still worth a look, though it might not be worth two.
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (Starz, 9:00 PM EST)
Most folks aren't fond of this one, but it still made tons of money. I'm personally fond of it... and had they eliminated the Penelope Cruz role, I suspect a lot more people would be a lot more favorably disposed towards it.
Resident Evil: Apocalypse (Syfy, 7:00 PM EST)
Just to be clear, this is the one where Milla Jovovich fights zombies.
X-Men (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Marvel achieved its first mainstream movie success with Blade, but this film definitely helped accelerate the trend.
The Walking Dead (AMC, 9:00 PM EST)
Something scary has been stalking the farm, prompting the boys to set up patrols in hopes of countering it.
Comic Book Men (AMC, 10:00 PM EST)
Another new episode, that's all we know. I'm not sure there's a whole lot of variation to the formula here.
Once Upon a Time (ABC, 8:00 PM EST)
It's time for Little Red Riding Hood to take a turn in the spotlight, as Ruby quits the diner while the fairy-tale Red takes a much different approach to the whole wolf thing.
End of Days (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
The plot, the state of Schwarzenegger's career at the time... this title works on so many levels!