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TV Wasteland: Happy Turkey Day
TV Wasteland celebrates the most gluttonous holiday of them all!
By Rob Vaux
November 21, 2011
It’s Thanksgiving and while we don’t have any specific TV event to single out, there’s no shortage of goodies for your holiday viewing pleasure.
Terra Nova (Fox, 8:00 PM EST)
Taylor becomes the suspect in a murder, even as he tracks down a possible Sixer infiltrator. And that involves rampaging dinosaurs… how exactly?
Wes Craven’s New Nightmare (Cinemax, 8:00 PM EST)
Craven examines the ramifications of unleashing Freddy Krueger on the world and – in the process – establishes the self-referential formula that later informed the Scream series.
Clash of the Titans (HBO, 7:00 PM EST)
It stinks, but at least you won’t have to put up with the awful 3D.
From Hell (IFC, 8:00 PM EST)
Johnny Depp chases Jack the Ripper in this very good adaptation of the Alan Moore graphic novel.
Valhalla Rising (IFC, 10:30 PM EST)
Former Bond villain Mads Mikkelsen stars as a Viking on a quest to the New World. Despite the clichéd premise, it’s actually a fascinating entry to the admittedly dubious canon of Viking movies.
Tangled (Starz, 7:15 PM EST)
Say what you want: the musical number at the Snuggly Duckling makes me cackle every time I hear it.
Star Trek: Insurrection (Syfy, 8:00 PM EST)
Thank God we get to hear Data (Brent Spiner) talk about the comparative firmness of breast tissue. The Star Trek franchise was lost without it.
Event Horizon (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EST)
For those of you who think the existential pondering of 2001 really needed a little more Hellraiser-style sadism, your ship has come in! Paul W.S. Anderson directs and the cast is a veritable Who’s Who of slumming actors.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (FX, 7:00 PM EST)
Just in time for Thanksgiving, Michael Bay craps in our collective mouths again.
Grimm (Syfy, 7:00 PM EST)
Syfy is running a Grimm marathon all night, for those who want to catch up.
American Horror Story (FX, 10:00 PM EST)
We finally find out who the man in the rubber suit is, just in time to put us off our Thanksgiving dinner.
Ghost Hunters Marathon (Syfy, 8:00 PM EST)
Ghost Hunters is playing all day and all night on Syfy, for those of you who can’t get enough of IR shakycam and running around in the dark.
Inception (HBO, 7:00 PM EST)
It’s all a dream! Wait, no it isn’t! Hold on, I’m confused. Is it… yes? No? Damn I wish that top would stop spinning…
Devil (Cinemax, 8:30 PM EST)
You’d think being stuck in an elevator with Satan would be less of a bore than this film turns out to be. You’d think that.
The Losers (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EST)
The underwhelming adaptation of the Vertigo Comics title features a lot of talented actors with nowhere to go.
The Voyage of the Dawn Treader (HBO, 8:00 PM EST)
Premium cable is hitting this title pretty heavily as of late. It may be the last of the Narnia films, so enjoy it while you can.
Scary Movie and Scary Movie 2 (MTV, 8:00 PM EST and 10:00 PM EST)
Why yes, Thanksgiving is a night of dreadful movies on TV. Why do you ask?
Quantum of Solace (Syfy, 6:30 PM EST)
Daniel Craig’s second outing as James Bond proves more shaky than stirring, but still delivers a reliable good time.
Die Another Day (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
I’m still trying to pinpoint the exact moment when Pierce Brosnan’s final James Bond outing goes fatally wrong. Is it the ice hotel? The magic invisible car? Madonna? Madonna? It’s Madonna, isn’t it?
The Big Bang Theory, The Vampire Diaries and The Secret Circle are reruns for Thanksgiving. Burn Notice is flat-out off. Also, we’ll be watching the Macy’s Parade this morning in the hopes that the Spongebob balloon will come to life and destroy Manhattan in an unholy rampage. This is the year, we know it!
Sanctuary (Syfy, 10:00 PM EST)
Abby suffers an attack from an Abnormal and Henry seeks out the culprit while she recovers at the Sanctuary.
Star Wars: The Clone Wars (Cartoon Network, 8:00 PM EST)
Once again, Anakin stumbles onto the notion that his future may not be as bright and rosy as he hopes, when he and Ahsoka look into the disappearance of a Republic colony.
ThunderCats (Cartoon Network 8:30 PM EST)
The first season comes to an end with an appropriately epic throw-down against Mumm-Ra. Way to go Cats! Hope to see more from you!
Shrek the Third (ABC, 8:00 PM EST)
AKA, the one where the series stopped being playfully subversive and just started annoying the shit out of us.
Iron Man (Fox, 8:00 PM EST)
Fox wins the movie lottery tonight, at least as far as the Big Five networks go.
National Treasure: Book of Secrets (NBC, 8:00 PM EST)
Dumber than a box of rocks, but goofy and essentially harmless. If Fox is somehow not an option, it beats jamming glass into your fingernails.
Jurassic Park (AMC, 7:00 PM EST)
Nothing like closing out Thanksgiving with a chance to experience things from the turkey’s point of view.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (USA, 6:22 PM EST)
I know it’s not perfect, but it’s a hell of a lot better than its detractors claim. Note to Trey Parker and Matt Stone: I still haven’t forgiven you.
Fringe, Grimm, Supernatural and Nikita are off for the holiday. Young Justice is on hiatus. The Brave and The Bold is done. *Sniff*
Primeval (BBC America, 9:00 PM EST)
Matt and Emily pursue a raptor through an anomaly and into 19th Century England. Wonder if they’re going to pin the Ripper murders on the dinosaur…
Saw (IFC, 8:00 PM EST and 10:15 PM EST)
The film that launched a thousand crappy sequels suits up for a double helping on IFC tonight.
Stonehenge Apocalypse (Syfy, 7:00 PM EST)
Apparently, we really should have listened to those nutjob radio hosts when they said the world was coming to an end… and that Spinal Tap songs would be heavily involved.
Storm Wars (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
The sons of a mad scientist join forces to stop him after he launches a weather attack on Washington, DC. Yes, really.
The Walking Dead (AMC, 9:00 PM EST)
Dale and Shane come to blows while a new danger arrives from an unexpected source. Because the post-zombie apocalypse world just sucks like that.
Dexter (Showtime, 9:00 PM EST)
Dexter tracks down the Doomsday Killers while keeping the police off his trail. In other words, just another day at the office.
Once Upon a Time (ABC, 8:00 PM EST)
Jiminy Cricket decides he’s tired of being a good conscience even while Henry puts himself in danger in an effort to locate a route to the fairy-tale world.
An American Werewolf in London (Syfy, 7:00 PM EST)
Wow, Syfy actually brings in a legitimate genre classic to snaz the joint up!
Drag Me to Hell (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
And they follow it up with another great horror film to boot! What’s wrong with you guys? Where’s our pile of sloppily prepared genre piffle?
Transformers (TNT, 6:00 PM EST)
Does it matter that this is probably the best of the series?
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!