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TV Wasteland: Here Comes December

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TV Wasteland: Here Comes December

What beckons from the boob tube?

By Rob Vaux     December 03, 2012

Another week, another Wasteland. What beckons from the boob tube? Read on for the answers.

The Green Mile (AMC, 7:00 PM EDT)
Let’s all drink a toast to Michael Clarke Duncan, who left too soon. We miss you big guy! (The movie repeats Tuesday at 7:00 PM EDT.)

The Ring Two (Cinemax, 7:45 PM EDT)
Bet you forgot there was a sequel to The Ring. There’s a very good reason for that.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine (FX, 8:00 PM EDT)
Apparently, “Awesome ability to sing Jean Val Jean’s part” is one of his super powers. Who knew? 

Contagion (HBO, 9:00 PM EDT)
As bad as things are these days, it can still get a lot worse. Let this film show you.

Orca (IFC, 8:00 PM EDT)
You can show me the footage of Shamu savaging his trainers all you like. It still doesn’t make killer whales good horror movie villains.

DeepStar Six (IFC, 10:00 PM EDT)
It’s this the one with Peter Weller or the one with Jamie Lee Curtis? Oh, it’s the one with Miguel Ferrer. I didn’t know he made one of those…

Halloween (Spike, 7:00 PM EDT)
Leave it to Spike to pick the crappy version.

The Last House on the Left (Spike, 10:00 PM EDT)
This is a little better, but still unpleasant. Also, it taps into my deepest fears about garbage disposals. 

Ultraviolet (Starz, 7:30 PM EDT)
The critics really savaged this dystopian sci-fi thriller. I’m not saying they’re wrong, but… Milla Jovovich!

Underworld: Awakening (Starz, 10:45 PM EDT)
When your leading lady can’t be bothered to get pumped about a project, why should your audience?

Star Trek Generations (Syfy, 8:00 PM EDT)
Not with a bang but a whimper does William Shatner depart the saga he defined for almost thirty years.

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (Syfy, 10:30 PM EDT)
On the other hand, he rocks this scene pretty hard. Runs again on Tuesday at 8:00 PM EDT.

Revolution is off this week.

Elf (ABC Family, 8:00 PM EDT) and Fred Claus (ABC Family, 10:00 PM EDT)
Better the first than the second. Trust me.

Night at the Museum and Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian (FMC, 7:00 PM EDT and 9:30 PM EDT)
If you feel like pissing an entire evening away on schlocky corporate product, FMC says “you’re welcome!”

End of Days (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EDT)
Still excited about Schwarzenegger getting back into movies?

RED (Showtime, 8:00 PM EDT)
Not a great film, but we’re still giving it up for Helen Mirren with a .50 caliber machine gun.

Cars 2 (Starz, 7:00 PM EDT)
Pixar delivers its first genuine failure… and we’re still waiting for them to fully recover.

Van Helsing (Starz, 9:00 PM EDT)
Thank God he can sing, otherwise we’d never forgive him. 

Battle of Los Angeles (Syfy, 10:30 PM EDT)
Don’t confuse this with the Aaron Eckhart movie; it’s a cheap Syfy knock-off.

Arrow (The CW, 8:00 PM EDT)
Oliver and The Huntress continue to team up, but the gal’s got it in for the local Triad leader and just can’t let it go. Wacky mayhem presumably ensues. The episode repeats on Friday at 9:00 PM EDT.

Supernatural (The CW, 9:00 PM EDT)
A series of murders leads some to suspect Benny, but Dean’s not letting him go without a fight.

American Horror Story: Asylum (FX, 10:00 PM EDT)
Someone shows up at the asylum dressed as Santa. I can’t decide if that’s merely creepy or super-creepy. Probably both.

Ghost Hunters (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
We’re off to Mark Twain’s house – at Christmas, no less – to see if the famous author can deliver some irascible wisdom from beyond the grave.

The Nightmare Before Christmas (Disney XD, 7:30 PM EDT)
If you have to ask…

John Carter (Starz, 6:45 PM EDT)
Seriously, give it another chance. I think you’ll like it. 

Hancock (FX, 8:00 PM EDT)
Will Smith overcomes a problematic script to give us a lovably unlikeable misanthropic superhero.

Punisher: War Zone (IFC, 8:00 PM EDT)
It’s not fantastic, but you’re never going to find a better Punisher movie… at least for now.

Transporter 3 (IFC, 10:15 PM EDT)
We try to give Jason Statham a long rope, but shit like this makes us regret it. 

The Big Bang Theory (CBS, 8:00 PM EDT)
Howard takes a fishing trip with his disapproving father-in-law, while Sheldon takes care of Amy while she’s sick.

Elementary (CBS, 10:00 PM EDT)
Another day, another baffling murder… this one involving a university professor.

Last Resort (ABC, 8:00 PM EDT)
We finally learn the reason for launching nukes at Pakistan.

The Vampire Diaries (The CW, 8:00 PM EDT)
The boys head to New Orleans, and reminisce about a previous visit during World War II.

Beauty and the Beast (The CW, 9:00 PM EDT)
A rock singer is killed and Cat is on the case.

Burn Notice (USA, 10:00 PM EDT)
Sam gets involved in a dangerous robbery, which may screw up Michael’s attempts to sell new technology.

A Christmas Carol (ABC Family, 8:00 PM EDT)
Jim Carrey kinda sorta makes this mo-cap version of the venerable Dickens’ tale work. More an interesting curiosity than a good film, but it at least remains true to the source material.

The Princess Bride (AMC, 7:00 PM EDT)
Yup. Still awesome.

Green Lantern (Cinemax, 6:35 PM EDT)
And in one fell swoop, DC’s movie endeavors were in serious trouble…

Aliens (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EDT)
Sigourney Weaver earns an Oscar nomination for her second (and thoroughly rocking) outing as Ellen Ripley. As far as we’re concerned, there were no more sequels after this one.

Doomsday (FMC, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:30 PM EDT)
Neil Marshall delivers a grade-A guilty pleasure about post-apocalyptic Scotland. 

Rambo 4 (IFC, 8:00 PM EDT)
He’s going to kill everyone. Just sayin’.

Fright Night (Showtime, 7:45 PM EDT)
Colin Farrell has a ball as the suave vampire next door in a solid update of the 1985 original.

Piranha (Showtime, 9:30 PM EDT)
Once again, the hottest chick is the one with the gun.

Finding Nemo (Starz, 7:15 PM EDT)
Pixar scores one of its greatest hits with a fish-out-of-water tale that hasn’t lost a step in ten years.

The Dead Zone (Sundance, 10:00 PM EDT)
Christopher Walken makes a rare sympathetic turn as Stephen King’s troubled psychic John Smith. David Cronenberg directed, and it remains one of his top works to date.

Starship Troopers (Syfy, 6:00 PM EDT)
In NPH we trust. Especially when dissecting brain bugs.

Constantine (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
Keanu Reeves actually makes a pretty good noir anti-hero... and the film benefits from his efforts.

Also, Turner Classics is featuring two of the greatest movies ever made tonight: Casablanca at 8:00 PM EDT and The Third Man at 10:00 PM EDT.

Fringe (Fox, 9:00 PM EDT)
Peter takes a risk when watching Widmark, while Olivia heads out to find equipment for Walter.

Nikita (The CW, 8:00 PM EDT)
Nikita and Michael make a play for Amanda, using an abducted arms dealer as a lure.

Haven (Syfy, 10:00 PM EDT)
Everyone in town except Audrey and one other person falls asleep, leaving them to work the Bolt Gun Killer case alone.

The Fifth Element (AMC, 7:00 PM EDT)
Luc Besson’s basic-cable staple is back for yet another week. Enjoy or cringe at your leisure.

Alien Resurrection (Cinemax, 6:20 PM EDT)
Didn’t I just say there were no more sequels?

Frequency (FMC, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:30 PM EDT)
Dennis Quaid stars as a father whose son contacts him from thirty years in the future. The intriguing premise drops the ball in the finale, but there’s plenty to enjoy regardless.

Predators (FX, 8:00 PM EDT)
The bold, bloody sequel lands on basic cable. 

Inception (TNT, 8:00 PM EDT)
Christopher Nolan just knows how to put on a show.

Grimm is off this week.

The Borrowers (ABC, 8:00 PM EDT)
If you can’t see the superior Secret World of Arrietty, you can make do with this perfectly serviceable live-action version of the same story.

Snowmageddon (Syfy, 7:00 PM EDT)
It’s about an evil snow globe. Yes, really.

The 12 Disasters of Christmas (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
Oh come on Syfy! You can give us a better title than that!

The Happening (FMC, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
Shyamalan’s career was careening downhill before this disaster turned it into a full-bore free fall. I can’t say he didn’t have it coming. 

Journey 2: The Mysterious Island (HBO, 8:00 PM EDT)
Don’t remember it? Neither does anyone else.

Escape from LA (IFC, 8:00 PM EDT)
This isn’t a sequel so much as a victory lap, with Kurt Russell’s Snake Plissken given ten hours to find an all-powerful Macguffin in the ruins of Los Angeles.

Scary Movie 2 (MTV, 8:00 PM EDT)
If I have to warn you way from this one, there’s no hope.

Dexter (Showtime, 9:00 PM EDT)
It’s a very Dexter Christmas, as Hannah’s father gives Debra a tip that could lead to Dexter’s downfall.

Conan the Barbarian (BBC America, 7:00 PM EDT and 9:30 PM EDT)
It just wouldn’t be Christmas without the lamentations of the women. 

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter and Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (IFC, 7:00 PM EDT and 9:00 PM EDT)
For some reason, we’re getting the Tommy Jarvis side of the Friday the 13thsaga. Go figure.

WarGames (Sundance, 8:00 PM EDT)
Remember when everyone was scared of computers?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (Syfy, 6:00 PM EDT and 9:00 PM EDT)
The well-regarded third Indiana Jones film pairs with the less well-regarded fourth film. Both are worth a look, especially if you haven’t seen them in a while.

The Walking Dead is on midwinter hiatus. Once Upon a Time and 666 Park Avenue are off.


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SarcasticCaveman 12/3/2012 2:00:17 AM

 Regarding Generations, I still say they killed Kirk off like a bitch...falling off the side of a mountain?...and THEN they make KIRK'S final words...SULU'S catch phrase!

"Oh my..."

karas1 12/3/2012 5:34:18 AM

I don't see why Kirk's death is so bad.  He gave his life to stop a guy from destroying a planet populated by billions of people.  Sounds heroic to me.

jedibanner 12/3/2012 6:44:58 AM

I don't think any deaths would've been satisfactory for the hardcore ST fans. Shatner himself wanted his death to be just a simple thing because he felt his character would've face death as a laughing thing so he felt the only words that would make sens was ''oh my'' in, ''wholly crap, it's really happening.

It was a fun movie and a good transition to the new generation of ST.

Now can we PLEASE give it a rest for John Carter, movie sucked, it's's over...''game over man, game over''!!!

dojen1 12/3/2012 10:56:52 AM

"Oh My" became George Takei's catch-phrase AFTER "ST: Generations" was released. I remember him taking a Star Trek quiz on Howard Stern, and he was asked What were Captain Kirk's last words?"...Hence his smarmily delivered answer and the oh-so-repeatable soundbite.  Persoanlly, I think his last words should have been "well...shit".

Jedi, I disagree about "John Carter". It is not a bad film at all...IMO. I read the books as a kid and thoroughly enjoyed the movie. Too bad there will be no more. I wouldn't mind looking at Lynn Collins' Dejah Thoris some more.

karas1 12/3/2012 1:52:43 PM

I also enjoyed John Carter.  It wasn't the best movie I've ever seen but it was far from the worst and I don't understand why it was such a financial bomb.

I guess most people are unfamilliar with Borroughs and didn't know what the movie was about.  The title John Carter was totally uninformative.  The commercials made it look like kind of a generic space opera.

silversurfer 12/3/2012 2:03:40 PM

 I liked John Carter. I think that it deserves a good look. As far as Kirk, I think we would've like to have seen him going out in a massive explosion saving the Universe, because Kirk would've done it in style...The Kobayashi Maru done the way JJ did it...

Doomsday was a good move as well., Rhona Mitra...what else is there?

SarcasticCaveman 12/3/2012 2:13:51 PM

Question - if Shatner REALLY wanted such a lame, quiet death for Kirk, why did he go on to write that best selling series of Star Trek books that brings Kirk back to life and big as ever in Next Generation?












hanso 12/3/2012 2:44:16 PM

 He needed coke and whore money.  Shit ain't cheap.

SarcasticCaveman 12/3/2012 2:56:10 PM

 Snortin' of hookers' asses all the way to the bank.

lazarus 12/4/2012 7:05:39 PM

Read his autobiography, Shatner is a freaking amazing guy. It is Shatner's world and we are all just living in it.

One of the top 3 people I would love to meet.

Well good news is with all the CRAP on this week I can finally catch up on my DVR. Got to get caught up on Haven, Hawaii 5-0 and Fringe. I love my DVR.

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