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TV Wasteland: June Gloom
Summer rolls in with an uneventful TV Week
By Rob Vaux
June 18, 2012
I will never get tired of this movie. Do not ask me why.
© 20th Century Fox
It’s another quiet week on the Wasteland. Let’s get to it!
Eureka (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Carter begins to get smarter and smarter while Allison’s brother arrives to scope out her new hubby.
Lost Girl (Syfy, 10:00 PM EST)
Someone slips Bo a Mickey Finn and the proverbial wacky mayhem ensues.
Rise of the Planet of the Apes (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EST)
Not only is this the best Planet of the Apes movie since the original, but I am actively salivating at some of the ideas being kicked around for a sequel.
Hancock (FX, 8:00 PM EST)
No sequel is likely here, but that Will Smith is a hoot, isn’t he?
Fact or Faked: Paranormal Files (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Any Pacific Northwesterners out there familiar with the Oregon Vortex? They’re checking it out this week, along with a more mundane haunted pub.
Green Lantern (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EST)
Dear DC: this is why we’re not excited about the prospect of a Justice League movie.
The Hills Have Eyes II (Syfy, 7:00 PM EST)
Total, utter garbage… and on top of a surprisingly good original too. (Though admittedly said original was actually a remake.)
Haunted Collector (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Yet another round of realty show hauntings, this week’s episode covers objects in New York and Virginia.
School Spirits (Syfy, 10:00 PM EST)
And the hits just keep on coming as Syfy premieres a new series about supposed hauntings at schools and universities. Next!
Beetlejuice (ABC Family, 9:00 PM EST)
Michael Keaton’s best performance? It’s definitely in the running.
Red Dawn (AMC, 8:00 PM EST)
Before the remake ruins everything for everyone, let’s take a look back on the quintessentially 80s original.
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EST)
Now that it’s ended, check out how it began. It’s not the best of the Harry Potter series, but it will do.
Zombieland (FX, 8:00 PM EST)
This one still leaves me cold, but damn there’s some talent up there on screen.
Burn Notice (USA, 9:00 PM EST)
Michael agrees to take down a drug cartel in exchange for getting to see Fiona, while making contact with an old mentor in the process.
Planet of the Apes (FMC, 8:00 PM EST)
Tim Burton again? Aw, Ma…!
The Happening (FMC, 10:30 PM EST)
Or M. Night Shyamalan’s Waterloo if you prefer.
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (IFC, 8:00 PM EST)
Sam Rockwell steals the show as intergalactic douchebag Zaphod Beeblebrox, though the whole film acquits itself well.
Saw II (IFC, 10:15 PM EST)
Keep milking it guys. I’m sure it will peter out in five or six more movies…
Resident Evil: Apocalypse (Syfy, 7:00 PM EST)
This series, on the other hand, stands as one of the great guilty pleasures of our age.
X-Men (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Remember when we had no idea who Hugh Jackman was, and worried about whether he could pull off Wolverine? We were so adorable back then.
Predators (Cinemax, 8:10 PM EST)
I will never get tired of this movie. Don’t ask me why.
Iron Man (FX, 6:00 PM EST)
This one holds up pretty well too.
Freddy vs. Jason (Starz, 7:20 PM EST)
I wouldn’t call this great, but it’s hard not to smile at Robert Englund rocking the role that made him famous.
Watchmen (TNT, 8:00 PM EST)
Still controversial, still brilliant, and a reminder of why the new Superman film might not suck as bad as we fear.
Fright Night (Showtime, 7:00 PM EST)
This forgotten remake from last summer retains much of the wit and appeal of the original film, while taking it in a refreshingly different direction.
Cars (ABC Family, 7:00 PM EST)
Once the runt of the Pixar litter, it gained some competition for the last-place title last summer and may have a few more before too many more years roll on.
Who Framed Roger Rabbit? (Cartoon, 7:00 PM EST)
Hard to believe it’s been almost 25 years since this Robert Zemeckis classic graced our screens. It still works wonders.
1408 (FMC, 7:30 PM EST)
This Stephen King adaptation has seen a lot of replay lately. Not sure why.
Eight Legged Freaks (Syfy, 7:00 PM EST)
Oh David Arquette, why do you hurt us so?
Arachnoquake (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
The hardest part of Syfy original movies has got to be the title. After that, they pretty much write themselves. Example: an earthquake unleashes evil spiders. Go.
Wristcutters: A Love Story (Sundance, 10:00 PM EST)
This lovely, quirky little comedy details the lost souls who commit suicide, and find themselves in a world just like ours except everything is a little crappier. Well worth a look if you’re in the mood for something different.
War of the Worlds (TNT, 8:00 PM EST)
Steven Spielberg scores a powerful near-miss in this adaptation of the H.G. Wells classic.
Sherlock Holmes (TNT, 10:30 PM EST)
TNT follows it with the terrific take on the famous sleuth, with Robert Downey, Jr. rocking the house yet again as Holmes.
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (USA, 8:30 PM EST)
The sequel isn’t going to be any better, is it?
True Blood (HBO, 9:00 PM EST)
Roman has to decide whether Bill and Eric’s proposal is worth keeping them alive, while the search for Debbie Pelt gets a little too close for Sookie’s comfort.
Falling Skies (TNT, 9:00 PM EST)
The unit moves into new quarters, while Tom has to contend with the plots of his fellow berserkers.
My Babysitter’s a Vampire (Disney, 9:00 PM EST)
Avatar (FX, 7:00 PM EST)
It’s less impressive on the small screen, and you have to actually listen to the script.
Toy Story 3 (Starz, 7:15 PM EST)
The last great Pixar movie? Only time will tell.
Signs (Syfy, 6:30 PM EST)
This might be the last great Shyamalan movie as well.
The Mist (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
We’re ending the week on a downer this time. A great downer, but a downer nonetheless.