It's another quiet week on the Wasteland. Let's have a look.
Eureka (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Carter and Allison just want to enjoy their honeymoon, but trouble in Eureka puts the kibbutz on their plans.
Lost Girl (Syfy, 10:00 PM EST)
Bo runs into the sister of her first victim, a moment climbing the Most Awkward Ever charts with a bullet.
The Gift (FMC, 9:00 PM EST)
Sam Raimi delivers one of his very best efforts: the tale of a widow (Cate Blanchett) with psychic powers drawn into an old-school Gothic mystery.
Battle: Los Angeles (Starz, 7:00 PM EST)
Marines vs. aliens in pure unfiltered form. Use with caution, but enjoy yourself.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (FX, 7:00 PM EST)
Michael Bay hates your childhood and is coming for it with his Blow the Shit Out of It team in tow. Fairly warned thee be, says I.
Fact or Faked: Paranormal Files (Syfy, 8:00 PM EST)
Syfy delivers two back-to-back episodes of the reality show as the second season comes to an end. The team probes hauntings in England, Kentucky and Iceland over the course of the two hours.
Knight and Day (Cinemax, 8:00 PM EST)
Critics and audiences alike dismissed this spy caper featuring Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz, but it remains a surprisingly enjoyable affair for those in such a mood.
The Twilight Saga: New Moon and Eclipse (Showtime, 8:00 PM EST and 10:10 PM EST)
That's parts two and three: the ones where Bella acts like an entitled bitch while gelded creatures of the night moon pensively over her for reasons we can't quite understand. Oh wait…
School Spirits (Syfy, 10:00 PM EST)
A haunted dorm room at some unspecified SUNY campus is… all right. We're done here.
Source Code (Showtime, 9:30 PM EST)
Set your DVRs for this fantastic time-travel story about a soldier (Jake Gyllenhaal) repeatedly sent back to the same moment in time in an effort to thwart a terrorist attack.
The Omen (FMC, 7:00 PM EST)
Welcome to Unnecessary Remake Land, as the silly 1976 original gets a fresh coat of paint and a slumming Live Schrieber in an effort to make it pertinent again.
The Fog (FMC, 9:30 PM EST)
On the other hand, The Omen remake looks like Citizen Freakin' Kane compared to this turkey.
Austin Powers: Goldmember (ABC Family, 9:00 PM EST)
Not with a bang, but a whimper does the Austin Powers franchise pass.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer (IFC, 8:00 PM EST)
Best. Vampire death. Ever.
Alien 3 (IFC, 10:00 PM EST)
It's a shame that they ruined our goodwill by killing Hicks and Newt in the first scene, because the rest of the film really holds up. Some sins are impossible to forgive, however.
Burn Notice (USA, 9:00 PM EST)
Michael hunts down the man who killed Pearce's fiancé, only to find out that the CIA is protecting him. Stupid CIA…
TRON: Uprising (Disney XD, 8:00 PM EST)
I'll be the first to admit that this animated series doesn't make a lick of sense… but holy Christ does it look good.
The Reaping (AMC, 8:00 PM EST)
Hilary Swank must have really needed the money when she agreed to sign up for this unspeakably goofy Biblical apocalypse movie.
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (Cinemax, 7:30 PM EST)
Start saving your pennies, kids. There's a $400 boxed set of these movies coming in September
The Princess and the Frog (Disney, 9:00 PM EST)
The last (at least so far) Disney epic to be given the traditional animated treatment proves to be a durable charmer. It also features my new favorite Disney villain of all time.
The Happening (FMC, 7:30 PM EST)
Feel like getting kicked in the nuts by M. Night Shyamalan? FMC has your hook-up.
The X-Files: I Want to Believe (FMC, 9:30 PM EST)
The thing I said earlier about bangs and whimpers? It goes double here.
Gnomeo and Juliet (Starz, 7:30 PM EST)
A cute but utterly disposable family comedy about rival garden gnomes reenacting Shakespeare's famous play. James McAvoy heads the expected all-star cast, but look for Hulk Hogan to not-so-quietly steal the show.
Edward Scissorhands (Syfy, 6:30 PM EST)
Tim Burton followed up Batman with a surprise hit about a boy with scissors in the place of hands. For better or worse, he's been able to write his own ticket ever since.
Eight Legged Freaks (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Yes, it's a goofy giant spider movie, but at least it embraces its own goofiness.
Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (ABC Family, 8:30 PM EST)
If you need a Gyllenhaal fix, check out Source Code earlier this week. No need to suffer through this turkey again.
The Matrix (AMC, 8:00 PM EST)
The modern sci-fi classic remains just as much of a head trip as it always was, inferior sequels be damned.
Rise of the Planet of the Apes (Cinemax, 8:15 PM EST)
Speaking of modern sci-fi classics…
Scream 2 (MTV, 10:00 PM EST)
Did they not realize that making a sequel officially turned them into the very thing they were sending up in the first place?
Fright Night (Showtime, 9:00 PM EST)
Though it bombed at the box office, this update of the mid-80s vampire hit turns out to be a modest little blast.
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (USA, 8:00 PM EST)
And… they're crapping on our childhood again.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest and Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (ABC Family, 6:00 PM EST and 9:00 PM EST)
That's the first film second and the second film first. TV programmers…
The Matrix Reloaded (AMC, 8:00 PM EST)
They actually did fairly well with this sequel, right up through the freeway chase. Then it all went so very, very wrong.
Urban Legend (FMC, 7:00 PM EST)
For a film about a serial killer inspired by modern folklore, this proves a shockingly dull affair.
Hancock (FX, 7:30 PM EST)
The same director of this one also helmed the woebegone Battleship. Don't hold that against it, however.
Final Destination 5 (HBO, 8:00 PM EST)
This is far better than any Part 5 has any right to be.
Sin City (IFC, 8:00 PM EST)
Robert Rodriguez directs a fastidiously accurate take on Frank Miller's seminal noir comic. Great to look at, but it lacks the spark to bring it to life.
Snow Beast (Syfy, 7:00 PM EST)
Where would the stars of The Dukes of Hazzard be without Syfy? John Schneider stars as a scientist who grapples with a monster in the wastes of Canada. The General Lee is sadly not among his assets.
Bigfoot (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Bigfoot's the bad guy here: a monster stalking a small town somewhere or another. I recommend a quick screening of Harry and the Hendersons to wash it down.
True Blood (HBO, 9:00 PM EST)
Pam apparently has to take care of Tara, while Bill and Eric stay hot on the trail of Russell Edgington.
Falling Skies (HBO, 9:00 PM EST)
Ben and Hal lose their bikes to thieves and the unit uncovers a major piece of information in the ensuing search.
The Incredibles (ABC Family, 7:00 PM EST)
Brad Bird won a well-deserved Oscar for his fun-filled send-up of superhero films. This was back when we didn't have to qualify our Pixar praise. I miss those days…
The Matrix Revolutions (AMC, 8:00 PM EST)
Bangs and whimpers seem to be a recurring theme this week.
Galaxy Quest (Cinemax 8:15 PM EST)
The 1999 comedy about the has-been stars of a sci-fi TV show approached by genuine aliens who think they're the real deal has held up remarkably well: both as a genre parody and in terms of the visual effects.
X-Men: First Class (HBO, 6:45 PM EST)
Put it on and I dare you to look away.
The Fifth Element (Syfy, 7:00 PM EST)
Spoiler Alert: It's love.
Repo Men (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
For a minute, I thought it was Repo Man, the brilliant cult hit about an alien in the trunk of a stolen car. Instead, it's the infinitely crappier Jude Law thriller about men who show up to collect your organs. Yawn.