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TV Wasteland: May Flowers
Another week in the wasteland...
By Rob Vaux
May 06, 2013
It’s a full week on the Wasteland, but also a fairly typical one. Let’s take a look at how the days break down.
Revolution (NBC, 10:00 PM EDT)
Monroe may get himself some anthrax, and it’s up to Charlie, Jason and Nora to stop him.
Bates Motel (A&E, 10:00 PM EDT)
Norma meets a mysterious stranger who may make her life even more twisted that it already is.
Defiance (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
Rafe learns a little more about the death of his son, which doesn’t necessarily help him at all.
Warehouse 13 (Syfy, 10:00 PM EDT)
Pete and Claudia hunt down an artifact in the hands of a radical environmental group.
K-PAX (Cinemax, 6:15 PM EDT)
I know I’ve seen this snoozer about a mental patient (Kevin Spacey) who claims to be an alien from outer space, but I honestly can’t tell you anything about it beyond that.
The Watch (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EDT)
It. Just. Stinks.
Cinderella (Disney, 8:00 PM EDT)
Disney’s classic adaptation of the famous fairy tale is strong on animation, less strong on a compelling narrative.
Blast from the Past (FMC, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:30 PM EDT)
Brendan Fraser really excels at these good-hearted nitwit roles, doesn’t he?
Live Free or Die Hard (FX, 7:00 PM EDT and 10:30 PM EDT)
John McClane suits up for the fourth time, now trying to stop a cybernetic mastermind from sabotaging the U.S. government.
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1 (Showtime, 8:00 PM EDT)
Don’t call them vampire movies. Don’t you dare.
The Wolfman (Spike, 6:15 PM EDT)
I won’t say it’s great, but considering the serious production problems surrounding this remake of the horror classic, director Joe Johnson pulls off a minor miracle by giving us anything watchable at all.
Hulk (Spike, 9:00 PM EDT)
“A” for effort, Ang Lee, but we’re going with Mark Ruffalo here on out.
The Usual Suspects (Sundance, 8:15 PM EDT)
“The greatest trick the devil ever pulled…” Repeats on Tuesday at 6:30 PM EDT.
Grimm (NBC, 10:00 PM EDT)
A seductive Wesen interrupts Nick and Juliette's attempt at a romantic evening. Note the new night for Grimm.
Weird or What? (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
This older Syfy show examines various bits of odd phenomenon, such as the West Virginia mothman and a reported human shadow. Expect dodgy science and hysterical eyewitness accounts to be the norm. Two episodes are running back-to-back tonight.
Looper (Starz, 9:00 PM EDT)
Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Bruce Willis play younger and older versions of the same character, turning on each other in a uniquely twisted time-travel thriller.
Rise of the Planet of the Apes (HBO, 7:05 PM EDT)
Andy Serkis continues to push the boundaries of motion capture, and the industry continues to trail after him.
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (HBO, 9:00 PM EDT)
I can’t defend it, but I’ll admit I watch it with a big grin on my face.
The Prestige (IFC, 8:00 PM EDT)
I’m going to go out on a limb and call this Christopher Nolan’s best film to date.
The Last Legion (IFC, 10:45 PM EDT)
No one associated with this can call it their “best” anything.
Click (Starz, 7:10 PM EDT)
Adam Sandler hurts so much…
Arrow (The CW, 8:00 PM EDT)
The Undertaking is coming… the perfect time for another flashback with Oliver on the island!
Supernatural (The CW, 9:00 PM EDT)
Castiel joins the Winchester brothers in the continuing hunt for the third trial.
Haunted Collector (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
The investigators check out an abandoned gold rush town, as well as a home that used to belong to Orson Welles.
Deep South Paranormal (Syfy, 10:00 PM EDT)
A team member shuts himself up in a coffin in an effort to exorcise three suspected ghosts.
Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (BBC America, 8:00 PM EDT)
Kevin Costner is, um, ill-suited to play Sherwood Forest’s most famous outlaw, but the film still has some things to recommend it.
Dark Shadows (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EDT)
Tim Burton goes off the rails in an embarrassing way while trying to reboot the old supernatural soap opera.
Ratatouille (Disney, 8:00 PM EDT)
Brad Bird scored a second Oscar in delivering one of Pixar’s most charming and heartfelt efforts to date.
Battle: Los Angeles (FX, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:30 PM EDT)
Santa Monica takes it on the chin (no pun intended) when aliens invade and stalwart Marine Aaron Eckhart stands in their way.
Ice Age: Continental Drift (HBO, 8:00 PM EDT)
These films keep showing up on the viewing schedule. I still can’t figure out why…
The Shining (IFC, 8:00 PM EDT)
Initially dismissed as a failure, Stanley Kubrick’s adaptation of the Stephen King novel has since become a classic. I don’t quite share everyone else’s assessment of it, but I admit an endless fascination with its twists and turns.
Resident Evil (Spike, 7:15 PM EDT and 9:40 PM EDT)
If the zombie apocalypse ever breaks out, I’m going to Mila’s house. Just sayin’.
Resident Evil: Retribution (Starz, 10:30 PM EDT)
If you want the latest entry instead of the original entry, Starz has your hook-up. Repeats on Sunday at 9:00 PM EDT.
Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (Starz, 7:20 PM EDT)
They really could have done something spectacular with the Ghost Rider franchise here. It all went so, so wrong.
The Big Bang Theory (CBS, 8:00 PM EDT)
The guys invite their girlfriends to join their Dungeons & Dragons game… which, as anyone who plays D&D can tell you, has never caused any problems at all in the history of everything.
Elementary (CBS, 10:00 PM EDT)
A man shows up claiming to be Moriarty, and Sherlock indulges him hoping to locate the real McCoy.
Hannibal (NBC, 10:00 PM EDT)
A new killer ritually removes his victims’ organs, setting Will on the case, while Hannibal pays a visit to his own therapist. Columnist crush object Gillian Anderson guest stars as Lecter’s shrink.
The Vampire Diaries (The CW, 8:00 PM EDT)
Ooh, it’s graduation day! And once again, we ask why centuries-old undead give two squirts of piss about it.
Beauty and the Beast (The CW, 9:00 PM EDT)
Cat and Vincent go out on a date. In public. With other people watching. And yeah… mistake.
Case 39 (Syfy, 7:00 PM EDT)
Renee Zellweger needs to stay away from the supernatural thrillers. They’re just not her thing.
S1m0ne (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
I’m a fan of director Andrew Niccol’s work, but this Al Pacino vehicle – about a film director who creates a virtual movie star to appear in his film – ranks as a serious misfire.
Enchanted (ABC Family, 8:30 PM EDT)
A little Amy Adams goes a long way, as this high concept idea proves when the third act starts to lag. Repeats Friday at 6:00 PM EDT.
Deep Impact (Cinemax, 8:00 PM EDT)
For the record, this is the non-Michael Bay asteroid movie where Morgan Freeman plays the President.
Chernobyl Diaries (HBO, 8:00 PM EDT)
A scary location doth not a scary movie make. Exhibit A...
Bulletproof Monk (Showtime, 9:00 PM EDT)
Chow Yun-Fat could have fought better.
Arthur Christmas (Starz, 7:00 PM EDT)
Pound for pound, Aardman has a track record just about as good as Pixar’s…
The Haunting in Connecticut (Sundance, 7:15 PM EDT)
Another intriguing idea undone by a lame delivery.
Touch (Fox, 9:00 PM EDT)
The second season – and presumably the whole show considering its ratings – comes to a close as Martin and Trevor brace an Aster enforcer in an effort to find Jake.
Nikita (The CW, 8:00 PM EDT)
Is Nikita ready to give up her cloak-and-dagger ways? Michael would like to think so, but frankly, he’s not sure.
Da Vinci’s Demons (Starz, 9:00 PM EDT)
Leonardo’s father is pressured to defend him in court. Awkward? I suspect so.
Merlin (Syfy, 10:00 PM EDT)
Morgana starts burning through supporting characters in her search for Emrys’ identity.
Twilight (ABC Family, 8:30 PM EDT)
Someday, we’re all going to laugh about this debacle of a franchise. Some of us are laughing already.
I Am Legend (AMC, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
It’s not great, but at least the vampires don’t sparkle.
The Incredibles (Disney, 8:00 PM EDT)
Here’s the film that won Brad Bird his first Oscar. It’s pretty cool too.
The Sixth Sense (FMC, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:30 PM EDT)
M. Night Shyamalan scored a Twilight Zone-y hit so fantastic that it took five or six lousy movies to finally undo his reputation.
The Punisher (Spike, 10:00 PM EDT)
Thomas Jane attempts to restart the Punisher franchise without the grit or savagery that the character requires.
Doctor Who (BBC America, 8:00 PM EDT)
Lake Placid 3 (Syfy, 7:00 PM EDT)
There’s really only so many ways for you to string out the whole giant crocodile concept. Trust Syfy to find them all.
Rise of the Dinosaurs (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
Your guess is as good as ours, kids. Shitty CGI will be in effect throughout.
The Scorpion King and The Scorpion King 2 (AMC, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
The one with the Rock is bad enough, but you won’t believe how much worse things get with the sequel.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (ABC Family, 7:30 PM EDT)
Nice to have a solid Harry Potter entry to fall back on, in case your evening goes pear-shaped.
The Apparition (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EDT)
This Jewish possession story is just as silly and hackneyed as all those Catholic possession stories, only with slightly different trappings.
Ice Age 2: The Meltdown (Disney, 8:00 PM EDT)
Oh look, another Ice Age movie. Swell.
Robots (Cartoon, 7:00 PM EDT)
The production design is impeccable in this animated feature about a world populated solely by clanking mechanical beings. The story? Less impeccable.
Next (FMC, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
You can see what they’re hoping for here, but the script just ain’t gonna get them there.
Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted (HBO, 8:00 PM EDT)
The third time proves to be a real charmer for the Madagascar franchise… just like Iron Man!
Men in Black 3 (Starz, 9:00 PM EDT)
And another good Part 3! I detect a trend...
In Time (HBO, 9:45 PM EDT)
Justin Timberlake seems to have actually earned our respect. Who knew?
Once Upon a Time (ABC, 8:00 PM EDT)
ABC is listing it as a new episode, but they’re sparse on the details.
Game of Thrones (HBO, 9:00 PM EDT)
Tyrion’s new circumstances really irritate Shae, while Tywin consults the irritating little king for some damn thing or another.
Alien Marathon (Cinemax, 5:45 PM EDT, 7:40 PM EDT, 10:00 PM EDT and 12:00 AM EDT)
Cinemax runs the four films in the Alien franchise – ranging from flat-out classics to intriguing misfires – in a single go. Trust me, there are worse ways to spend your Sunday night.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 (ABC Family, 7:30 PM EDT)
It’s all set-up, but ye gods what fantastic set-up it is.
V for Vendetta (BBC America, 8:00 PM EDT)
It knows the notes, but Alan Moore’s wonderfully anarchic music eludes it.
Wrath of the Titans (HBO, 7:15 PM EDT)
You’d think a movie with flying horses and lava monsters would be a lot cooler than this.
Star Trek: Generations and Star Trek Nemesis (Syfy, 6:30 PM EDT and 9:00 PM EDT)
TNG’s run on the big screen starts and finishes in less-than-spectacular fashion. Luckily, they scored a real winner in the middle. That winner is nowhere to be seen tonight.