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TV Wasteland: May Flowers

Another week in the wasteland...

By Rob Vaux     May 06, 2013

 It’s a full week on the Wasteland, but also a fairly typical one.  Let’s take a look at how the days break down. 

 

Monday

Revolution (NBC, 10:00 PM EDT)
Monroe may get himself some anthrax, and it’s up to Charlie, Jason and Nora to stop him. 
 
Bates Motel (A&E, 10:00 PM EDT)
Norma meets a mysterious stranger who may make her life even more twisted that it already is.
 
Defiance (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
Rafe learns a little more about the death of his son, which doesn’t necessarily help him at all.
 
Warehouse 13 (Syfy, 10:00 PM EDT)
Pete and Claudia hunt down an artifact in the hands of a radical environmental group.
 
K-PAX (Cinemax, 6:15 PM EDT)
I know I’ve seen this snoozer about a mental patient (Kevin Spacey) who claims to be an alien from outer space, but I honestly can’t tell you anything about it beyond that.
 
The Watch (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EDT)
It. Just. Stinks.
 
Cinderella (Disney, 8:00 PM EDT)
Disney’s classic adaptation of the famous fairy tale is strong on animation, less strong on a compelling narrative.
 
Blast from the Past (FMC, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:30 PM EDT)
Brendan Fraser really excels at these good-hearted nitwit roles, doesn’t he?
 
Live Free or Die Hard (FX, 7:00 PM EDT and 10:30 PM EDT)
John McClane suits up for the fourth time, now trying to stop a cybernetic mastermind from sabotaging the U.S. government.
 
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1 (Showtime, 8:00 PM EDT)
Don’t call them vampire movies. Don’t you dare.
 
The Wolfman (Spike, 6:15 PM EDT)
I won’t say it’s great, but considering the serious production problems surrounding this remake of the horror classic, director Joe Johnson pulls off a minor miracle by giving us anything watchable at all. 
 
Hulk (Spike, 9:00 PM EDT)
“A” for effort, Ang Lee, but we’re going with Mark Ruffalo here on out.
 
The Usual Suspects (Sundance, 8:15 PM EDT)
“The greatest trick the devil ever pulled…” Repeats on Tuesday at 6:30 PM EDT.
 

Tuesday

Grimm (NBC, 10:00 PM EDT)
A seductive Wesen interrupts Nick and Juliette's attempt at a romantic evening. Note the new night for Grimm.
 
Weird or What? (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
This older Syfy show examines various bits of odd phenomenon, such as the West Virginia mothman and a reported human shadow. Expect dodgy science and hysterical eyewitness accounts to be the norm.  Two episodes are running back-to-back tonight.  
 
Looper (Starz, 9:00 PM EDT)
Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Bruce Willis play younger and older versions of the same character, turning on each other in a uniquely twisted time-travel thriller.
 
Rise of the Planet of the Apes (HBO, 7:05 PM EDT)
Andy Serkis continues to push the boundaries of motion capture, and the industry continues to trail after him.
 
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (HBO, 9:00 PM EDT)
I can’t defend it, but I’ll admit I watch it with a big grin on my face.
 
The Prestige (IFC, 8:00 PM EDT)
I’m going to go out on a limb and call this Christopher Nolan’s best film to date.
 
The Last Legion (IFC, 10:45 PM EDT)
No one associated with this can call it their “best” anything.
 
Click (Starz, 7:10 PM EDT)
Adam Sandler hurts so much…
 

Wednesday

Arrow (The CW, 8:00 PM EDT)
The Undertaking is coming… the perfect time for another flashback with Oliver on the island!
 
Supernatural (The CW, 9:00 PM EDT)
Castiel joins the Winchester brothers in the continuing hunt for the third trial.
 
Haunted Collector (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
The investigators check out an abandoned gold rush town, as well as a home that used to belong to Orson Welles.
 
Deep South Paranormal (Syfy, 10:00 PM EDT)
A team member shuts himself up in a coffin in an effort to exorcise three suspected ghosts.
 
Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (BBC America, 8:00 PM EDT)
Kevin Costner is, um, ill-suited to play Sherwood Forest’s most famous outlaw, but the film still has some things to recommend it.
 
Dark Shadows (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EDT)
Tim Burton goes off the rails in an embarrassing way while trying to reboot the old supernatural soap opera.
 
Ratatouille (Disney, 8:00 PM EDT)
Brad Bird scored a second Oscar in delivering one of Pixar’s most charming and heartfelt efforts to date.
 
Battle: Los Angeles (FX, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:30 PM EDT)
Santa Monica takes it on the chin (no pun intended) when aliens invade and stalwart Marine Aaron Eckhart stands in their way.
 
Ice Age: Continental Drift (HBO, 8:00 PM EDT)
These films keep showing up on the viewing schedule. I still can’t figure out why…
 
The Shining (IFC, 8:00 PM EDT)
Initially dismissed as a failure, Stanley Kubrick’s adaptation of the Stephen King novel has since become a classic. I don’t quite share everyone else’s assessment of it, but I admit an endless fascination with its twists and turns.
 
Resident Evil (Spike, 7:15 PM EDT and 9:40 PM EDT)
If the zombie apocalypse ever breaks out, I’m going to Mila’s house. Just sayin’.
 
Resident Evil: Retribution (Starz, 10:30 PM EDT)
If you want the latest entry instead of the original entry, Starz has your hook-up. Repeats on Sunday at 9:00 PM EDT.
 
Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (Starz, 7:20 PM EDT)
They really could have done something spectacular with the Ghost Rider franchise here. It all went so, so wrong.
 

Thursday

The Big Bang Theory (CBS, 8:00 PM EDT)
The guys invite their girlfriends to join their Dungeons & Dragons game… which, as anyone who plays D&D can tell you, has never caused any problems at all in the history of everything.
 
Elementary (CBS, 10:00 PM EDT)
A man shows up claiming to be Moriarty, and Sherlock indulges him hoping to locate the real McCoy.
 
Hannibal (NBC, 10:00 PM EDT)
A new killer ritually removes his victims’ organs, setting Will on the case, while Hannibal pays a visit to his own therapist. Columnist crush object Gillian Anderson guest stars as Lecter’s shrink.
 
The Vampire Diaries (The CW, 8:00 PM EDT)
Ooh, it’s graduation day! And once again, we ask why centuries-old undead give two squirts of piss about it.
 
Beauty and the Beast (The CW, 9:00 PM EDT)
Cat and Vincent go out on a date. In public. With other people watching. And yeah… mistake. 
 
Case 39 (Syfy, 7:00 PM EDT)
Renee Zellweger needs to stay away from the supernatural thrillers. They’re just not her thing.
 
S1m0ne (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
I’m a fan of director Andrew Niccol’s work, but this Al Pacino vehicle – about a film director who creates a virtual movie star to appear in his film – ranks as a serious misfire.
 
Enchanted (ABC Family, 8:30 PM EDT)
A little Amy Adams goes a long way, as this high concept idea proves when the third act starts to lag. Repeats Friday at 6:00 PM EDT.
 
Deep Impact (Cinemax, 8:00 PM EDT)
For the record, this is the non-Michael Bay asteroid movie where Morgan Freeman plays the President.
 
Chernobyl Diaries (HBO, 8:00 PM EDT)
A scary location doth not a scary movie make. Exhibit A...
 
Bulletproof Monk (Showtime, 9:00 PM EDT)
Chow Yun-Fat could have fought better.
 
Arthur Christmas (Starz, 7:00 PM EDT)
Pound for pound, Aardman has a track record just about as good as Pixar’s…
 
The Haunting in Connecticut (Sundance, 7:15 PM EDT)
Another intriguing idea undone by a lame delivery.
 

Friday

Touch (Fox, 9:00 PM EDT)
The second season – and presumably the whole show considering its ratings – comes to a close as Martin and Trevor brace an Aster enforcer in an effort to find Jake.
 
Nikita (The CW, 8:00 PM EDT)
Is Nikita ready to give up her cloak-and-dagger ways? Michael would like to think so, but frankly, he’s not sure. 
 
Da Vinci’s Demons (Starz, 9:00 PM EDT)
Leonardo’s father is pressured to defend him in court. Awkward? I suspect so.
 
Merlin (Syfy, 10:00 PM EDT)
Morgana starts burning through supporting characters in her search for Emrys’ identity. 
 
Twilight (ABC Family, 8:30 PM EDT)
Someday, we’re all going to laugh about this debacle of a franchise. Some of us are laughing already.
 
I Am Legend (AMC, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
It’s not great, but at least the vampires don’t sparkle.
 
The Incredibles (Disney, 8:00 PM EDT)
Here’s the film that won Brad Bird his first Oscar. It’s pretty cool too.
 
The Sixth Sense (FMC, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:30 PM EDT)
M. Night Shyamalan scored a Twilight Zone-y hit so fantastic that it took five or six lousy movies to finally undo his reputation.
 
The Punisher (Spike, 10:00 PM EDT)
Thomas Jane attempts to restart the Punisher franchise without the grit or savagery that the character requires.
 

Saturday

Doctor Who (BBC America, 8:00 PM EDT)
The Doctor takes on the Cybermen at an abandoned amusement park. Check out Confessions of a Neowhovian for the breakdown!
 
Lake Placid 3 (Syfy, 7:00 PM EDT)
There’s really only so many ways for you to string out the whole giant crocodile concept. Trust Syfy to find them all.
 
Rise of the Dinosaurs (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
Your guess is as good as ours, kids. Shitty CGI will be in effect throughout.
 
The Scorpion King and The Scorpion King 2 (AMC, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
The one with the Rock is bad enough, but you won’t believe how much worse things get with the sequel.
 
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (ABC Family, 7:30 PM EDT)
Nice to have a solid Harry Potter entry to fall back on, in case your evening goes pear-shaped.
 
The Apparition (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EDT)
This Jewish possession story is just as silly and hackneyed as all those Catholic possession stories, only with slightly different trappings.
 
Ice Age 2: The Meltdown (Disney, 8:00 PM EDT)
Oh look, another Ice Age movie. Swell.
 
Robots (Cartoon, 7:00 PM EDT)
The production design is impeccable in this animated feature about a world populated solely by clanking mechanical beings. The story? Less impeccable. 
 
Next (FMC, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
You can see what they’re hoping for here, but the script just ain’t gonna get them there.
 
Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted (HBO, 8:00 PM EDT)
The third time proves to be a real charmer for the Madagascar franchise… just like Iron Man!
 
Men in Black 3 (Starz, 9:00 PM EDT)
And another good Part 3! I detect a trend...
 
In Time (HBO, 9:45 PM EDT)
Justin Timberlake seems to have actually earned our respect. Who knew?
 

Sunday

Once Upon a Time (ABC, 8:00 PM EDT)
ABC is listing it as a new episode, but they’re sparse on the details.
 
Game of Thrones (HBO, 9:00 PM EDT)
Tyrion’s new circumstances really irritate Shae, while Tywin consults the irritating little king for some damn thing or another.
 
Alien Marathon (Cinemax, 5:45 PM EDT, 7:40 PM EDT, 10:00 PM EDT and 12:00 AM EDT)
Cinemax runs the four films in the Alien franchise – ranging from flat-out classics to intriguing misfires – in a single go. Trust me, there are worse ways to spend your Sunday night. 
 
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 (ABC Family, 7:30 PM EDT)
It’s all set-up, but ye gods what fantastic set-up it is.
 
V for Vendetta (BBC America, 8:00 PM EDT)
It knows the notes, but Alan Moore’s wonderfully anarchic music eludes it.
 
Wrath of the Titans (HBO, 7:15 PM EDT)
You’d think a movie with flying horses and lava monsters would be a lot cooler than this.
 
Star Trek: Generations and Star Trek Nemesis (Syfy, 6:30 PM EDT and 9:00 PM EDT)
TNG’s run on the big screen starts and finishes in less-than-spectacular fashion.  Luckily, they scored a real winner in the middle. That winner is nowhere to be seen tonight. 
 

COMMENTS AND RESPONSES

Showing items 1 - 9 of 9
1 
karas1 5/6/2013 4:58:22 AM

For Once Upon A Time it's the season finale I think and the whole town is in danger!

 

jackwagon 5/6/2013 5:37:29 AM

 2 things...

Re: S1m0ne

Andrew Niccol hasn't done anything of note since The Truman Show.  It's amazing that his first two scripts - Gattaca and Truman Show - were A stories and showed incredible potential in his future.  Compare those two films with his last two scripts - In Time and The Host - and I'd say I have to marvel at how far he's fallen.

Re: I Am Legend

It ain't bad at all.  In fact, the first 40 minutes or so of the film are so dizzingly good I can forgive the unsatisfying second half.  I can't think of any other film in recent memory where a one-man show has worked so well.

muddseye 5/6/2013 6:08:06 AM

 and what about Grimm or did you guys miss the note that it moved to Tuesday?

Davewriter 5/6/2013 7:28:43 AM

I can always watch me some Scorpion King and all for two resons - Kelly Hu

Oh mommy!

fenngibbon 5/6/2013 7:32:20 AM

 "The Prestige (IFC, 8:00 PM EDT)
I’m going to go out on a limb and call this Christopher Nolan’s best film to date."

Sorry, but it's ruined by the ending.  Not only does he let the worse of the two characters played by Bale and Jackman win, Nolan gives the win a "happy ending" feel.  

blankczech 5/6/2013 8:54:54 AM

Use this list for dates and times only, the smug single sentence reviews are worthless pomposity.

lusiphur 5/6/2013 12:16:42 PM

"The Big Bang Theory (CBS, 8:00 PM EDT)
The guys invite their girlfriends to join their Dungeons & Dragons game… which, as anyone who plays D&D can tell you, has never caused any problems at all in the history of everything."

My wife actually took over DMing for us.  Really hasn't been all that bad.

blankczech - we all know that, but figure it's just as worthlessly pompous to mention it in the comments.

 

Mayhem101878 5/7/2013 4:43:08 AM

I just love the fact that you acknowlegded the fact that it was VAMPIRES in I Am Legend. So many people I've talked to have said they were zombies.

ashamel 5/7/2013 6:12:28 PM

Andrew Niccol also made Lord of War, which was great.

1 

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