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TV Wasteland: May Sweeps On
The last few fall shows end their run this week.
By Rob Vaux
May 20, 2013
Season finales roll on, with only a few non-summer shows still on their runs. We’ve got a run-down of them below!
Revolution (NBC, 10:00 PM EDT)
Nora is tortured and dumped, which we’re guessing really sucks for her. Elsewhere, the rest of the gang tries to meet up with Rachel, even as Monroe learns about her destination.
Bates Motel (A&E, 10:00 PM EDT)
Norman takes Emma to the dance in a scenario I’m sure won’t end badly for anyone. It’s the season finale, so wish it well before new episodes return next year.
Defiance (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
Nolan touches bases with an old war buddy of his, just as the city sees the arrival of a Castithan criminal.
Warehouse 13 (Syfy, 10:00 PM EDT)
Good news? It’s been renewed for another season. Bad news? That season will be the last. Oh well, at least they have an exit plan. Anyhow, Latimer and Bering head for Vegas this week to find a killer preying on stage magicians.
Iron Man 2 (FX, 8:00 PM EDT)
Part 3 eats your lunch boys. Sorry.
Mulan (ABC Family, 9:00 PM EDT)
Disney princess movies aren’t your thing? How about a Disney princess movie features a Mongol warlord voiced by Miguel Ferrer? That’s what I thought. Repeats on Tuesday at 7:00 PM EDT.
The Scorpion King and The Scorpion King 2 (AMC, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:01 PM EDT)
You know, it’s actually The Mummy 3 and 4, but then we’re getting into weird franchise crossover details and who needs that?
I, Robot (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EDT)
Will Smith loves him the sci-fi, doesn’t he?
Scream (IFC, 10:30 PM EDT)
It hates horror movie fans, but that didn’t stop them from flocking to it in droves.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (Spike, 8:00 PM EDT)
Okay, I’ll give you Shia LeBeouf. And the monkeys were a mistake. But come on, this is better than everyone thinks!
The Professional (Sundance, 8:15 PM EDT)
There is no problem so big that a robotic Frenchman can’t shoot his way out of it.
Grimm (NBC, 10:00 PM EDT)
Season 2 ends with Nick calling in the cavalry on those Oregon zombie attacks.
Weird or What? (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
Another set of back-to-back episodes involve strange medical stories and a look into the powers of the mind.
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (IFC, 8:00 PM EDT)
As the author would say, it’s mostly harmless.
The Last Legion (IFC, 10:15 PM EDT)
Why does cable insist on replaying this turkey?
The Woman in Black (Showtime, 7:15 PM EDT)
This one, on the other hand, they can run as often as they want.
The Twilight Saga, Breaking Dawn Part 1 (Showtime, 9:00 PM EDT)
Look, when you bungle a monstrous birth scene that ends with the father chewing the baby out of its mother’s womb, maybe horror really isn’t your thing.
300 (AMC, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:31 PM EDT)
I’m wondering if it gets better or worse after that endless spate of “THIS IS SPARTA!” parodies….
Independence Day (Spike, 6:00 PM EDT and 9:15 PM EDT)
Did anybody really love this movie? Really?
Brave (Starz, 8:00 PM EDT)
Take THAT, unhealthy body images!
Dark Shadows (Cinemax, 8:05 PM EDT)
One bad movie and suddenly Johnny Depp needs a win? Please.
Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (Starz, 9:35 PM EDT)
Some small part of me still thinks Depp should have won the Oscar for this.
Taken (FX, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
Seriously, who’s stupid enough to kidnap the child of Jean Grey and Ra’s al Ghul?
Looper (Starz, 9:00 PM EDT)
Time travel and the mob: who knew those two great tastes would taste so great together?
TRON (BBC America, 8:00 PM EDT)
Jeff Bridges cites this as one of his favorite roles, and it’s still a hoot: 80’s computer paranoia and all.
Orlando (Sundance, 8:00 PM EDT and 9:30 PM EDT)
Do want to see just how freaky Tilda Swinton can get? Of course you do…
Apocalypto (BBC America, 10:00 PM EDT)
Mel Gibson is a sick, sick man, isn’t he?
Green Lantern (HBO, 7:15 PM EDT)
Brace yourselves, everyone: this is back in the rotation.
Halloween (Spike, 10:30 PM EDT)
I know he loves the original, but I daresay Rob Zombie really doesn’t get the original.
Hannibal (NBC, 10:00 PM EDT)
This week’s serial killer builds a totem pole out of his victims’ bodies. Kinky. We give it a 6.3 on the Weird-Shit-O-Meter.
Rise of the Dinosaurs (Syfy, 7:00 PM EDT)
A team of military bad-asses run into dinosaurs in a remote jungle. We’re guessing that Jurassic Park is cooler.
Godzilla (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
They’re pitting him against Matthew Broderick, and they wonder why it tanked.
Pitch Black (Spike, 10:00 PM EDT)
And here come the Riddick movies!
In Time (HBO, 7:30 PM EDT)
I think my favorite part of this film is where the guy introduces his mother, his wife and his daughter, and they all look exactly the same age. Seriously creepy.
Hook (BBC America, 7:00 PM EDT)
Someone needs to explain to me what Phil Collins, Glenn Close and Michael Jackson are doing in this thing.
Fast Five (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EDT)
I will admit that I was too hard on it if you admit it was still goofy as shit.
The Princess and the Frog (Disney, 8:00 PM EDT)
Is there anything Keith David can’t do?
The Fugitive (IFC, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:45 PM EDT)
Tommy Lee Jones stole Ralph Fiennes Oscar for chasing Harrison Ford all over Chicago. Doesn’t mean he wasn’t awesome though.
Merlin (Syfy, 10:00 PM EDT)
The BBC series closes out its run with part one of a two-part episode. Morgana strips Merlin of his powers and imprisons him just as Arthur rides out to meet her forces.
Rise of the Planet of the Apes (HBO, 8:00 PM EDT)
There’s a new sheriff in town, thanks to a supposed cure of Alzheimer’s that results in a super-intelligent chimpanzee. Not to be missed.
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (Spike, 8:00 PM EDT)
This is a Jar Jar proximity warning. That is all. (Repeats on Saturday at 5:30 PM EDT.)
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (ABC Family, 7:30 PM EDT)
I defy you to explain the plot of this in a way that makes sense to anybody.
Red Eye (Cinemax, 9:30 PM EDT)
Wes Craven helms one of his better efforts in a story about why you don’t sit next to certain people on the plane.
X2 and X-Men: The Last Stand (FMC, 5:00 PM EDT and 8:00 PM EDT)
The great Part 2 and the substantially less great Part 3 are paired together. X2 repeats at 10:00 PM EDT.
Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs (FX, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
It’s apparently a night full of underwhelming Part 3s, isn’t it?
Iron Man (FX, 10:00 PM EDT)
My God, was this five years ago?
Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones (Spike, 9:00 PM EDT)
The weakest link in the Star Wars franchise still finds some fun things to do, thanks to Ewan McGregor and a slew of cool supporting characters. Repeats on Sunday at 5:22 PM EDT.
The Dark Knight (TNT, 8:00 PM EDT)
I’m still pissed at Heath Ledger for dying on us.
A Bug’s Life (ABC Family, 6:30 PM EDT)
Pixar recreates Seven Samurai in insect form as its second feature-length outing amps up the charm.
The Incredibles (ABC Family, 8:30 PM EDT)
Among their other achievements, Pixar scored one of the best superhero movies of all time. Don’t believe me? Take a look. Repeats on Sunday at 6:30 PM EDT.
Madagascar (Cartoon, 7:00 PM EDT)
Dreamworks continued building itself as the not-Pixar in their tale of zoo animals lost in the jungle.
V for Vendetta (BBC America, 6:00 PM EDT)
Nice try fellas. Better luck next time.
Cowboys & Aliens (Cinemax, 7:45 PM EDT)
It’s not getting any better, you know.
Deep Impact (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EDT)
Never compete with Michael Bay for sheer over-the-top idiocy. You’ll lose every time.
Doctor Who: The Doctors Revealed (BBC America, 8:00 PM EDT)
It’s the fifth Doctor (Peter Davison) this time, battling the Cybermen and the Master. Confessions of a Neowhovian
has your hook-up, as always.
The Shining (IFC, 8:00 PM EDT)
Its inexorable hold over us continues, no matter how flawed we sometimes find it.
Battle: Los Angeles (FX, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:30 PM ED)
Look, it’s not perfect, but as popcorn fun goes, you really could do worse.
Star Wars Epsiode III: Revenge of the Sith (Spike, 9:00 PM EDT)
We end the week the way Anakin did: screaming in pain and really, really grumpy.
Have a good one everyone!