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TV Wasteland: Midseason Replacements Roll In
Reruns vs. Midseason Replacements
By Rob Vaux
February 27, 2012
As February turns into March, first-run shows slip softly into rerun territory while a new round of midseason replacements waits in the wings. Let's take a look.
Alcatraz (Fox, 9:00 PM EST)
Not every inmate was guilty, and this week's reappearance is an innocent victim who committed no crime. That makes it even weirder when he starts making up for lost time.
Being Human (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Adrian faces down a pair of werewolf twins, while Sally finally figures out who has been haunting her.
The Lost Girl (Syfy, 10:00 PM EST)
Know why we hate fae spiders? Because when they bite you, you turn into a gibbering psychopath.
Kung Fu Hustle (G4, 9:00 PM EST)
Dear Hollywood: please give Stephen Chow more money to make films, no questions asked. Thank you.
Eagle Eye (FX, 8:00 PM EST)
Shia LaBeouf seems like a nice guy, but did we really believe he would ever be a gigantic star?
Hulk (Starz, 6:40 PM EST)
I think Ang Lee is the only Oscar winner to ever direct a comic-book movie. Makes you wonder what, say, Scorsese would do if you cut him loose with the Fantastic Four.
I Married a Witch (TCM, 8:00 PM EST)
It's not a comment on the state of an unhappy union; it's about a guy who marries the reincarnated spirit of a 17th-century witch. The fact that said witch is played by Veronica Lake in her prime should be reason enough to tune in.
Judge Dredd (Cinemax, 6:40 PM EST)
Before they ruin it with a small budget, here's your chance to reminisce on how they ruined it with a large one.
X-Men Origins: Wolverine (FX, 7:30 PM EST)
I figure Hugh Jackman has one more good turn as the ole Canucklehead left in him. Let's hope he can finish it on a high note.
The Tempest (Showtime, 7:00 PM EST)
Helen Mirren makes a gender-bending turn as Shakespeare's wizard Prospero in a visually sumptuous but poorly regarded adaptation of the Shakespeare play.
Piranha (TMC, 8:00 PM EST)
At last, 3D as it was meant to be used: in the service of gratuitous nudity.
The Man Who Would Be King (TCM, 8:00 PM EST)
Once again, it's not strictly genre, but you won't find a better adventure story anywhere as Sean Connery and Michael Caine attempt to steal a colossal treasure in a far-off land. Followed by the immortal Lawrence of Arabia at 10:15 PM EST.
Ghost Hunters International (Syfy. 9:00 PM EST)
We're off to Italy where the ghost of a real-life man in the iron mask is haunting some damn villa or another.
Face Off (Syfy, 10:00 PM EST)
Tim Burton regular Catharine O'Hara serves as a guest judge while the remaining contestants "Burtonize" an otherwise ordinary occupation.
Monty Python's The Life of Brian (IFC, 10:30 PM EST)
I know we've all seen it before, but you can never have too many shots of Graham Chapman's penis.
Predators (Cinemax, 6:40 PM EST)
Who knew we would ever use the phrase "bad-ass Adrien Brody" in a non-ironic context?
Battle: Los Angeles (Starz, 9:00 PM EST)
Don't ask for the moon and it will deliver on your modest expectations. Plus, Aaron Eckhart!
Carrie (Cinemax, 8:15 PM EST)
Cinemax stays away from the blockbuster du jour for one night in order to present the horror classic in all its uncut, uninterrupted glory.
Sky High (Disney, 8:30 PM EST)
Bruce Campbell, Lynda Carter and two very funny Kids in the Hall alum help buoy this sweet and funny take on a school for burgeoning superheroes.
Scary Movie (IFC, 8:00 PM EST)
Someone needs to explain this franchise to me because seriously, I don't get it. Five movies?! Really?!
Teeth (IFC, 10:00 PM EST)
Ah, much better. Jess Weixler turns in a terrific performance as a young woman whose special parts are a bit more special than any of the predatory males around her could ever guess. They're in for a big surprise.
Enchanted (Syfy, 7:00 PM EST)
Amy Adams takes this satirical tweaking of Disney Princess movies about three-quarters of the way home. The rest of the production more or less crosses the finish line.
The Brothers Grimm (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Heath Ledger and Matt Damon star in a film that should have been a creative triumph, but instead gave us the first real evidence that Terry Gilliam was starting to lose his touch.
The Big Bang Theory and The Vampire Diaries are reruns. The Secret Circle is off.
Grimm (NBC, 9:00 PM EST)
Good news for Grimm fans: the combination of decent ratings, a soft time slot and NBC's ongoing woes means that the show stands a very good chance of renewal. They more or less have the evening to themselves to boot.
Spartacus: Vengeance (Starz, 10:00 PM EST)
Spartacus begins planning for the defense of his new hideaway, which I'm sure will kick all kinds of ass.
Merlin (Syfy, 10:00 PM EST)
Not even being dead can stop Lancelot's hard-on for Gwen, a fact that I'm sure won't have any negative repercussions for anyone.
Star Wars: The Clone Wars (Cartoon, 8:00 PM EST)
The rumors are true: Darth Maul returns. And if you're wondering how exactly he survived being cut in half and dumped down a disposal shaft, you're not alone. The Clone Wars endeavors to answer your questions as the fourth season rolls to a finale.
Star Trek (FX, 6:00 PM EST)
In our wildest dreams, we couldn't have imagined the Trek reboot would turn out to be as cool as it was.
The Right Stuff (TCM, 8:00 PM EST)
Real-life outer space adventures prove every bit as thrilling as the made-up kind in Philip Kaufman's extraordinary portrait of the Mercury space program.
Your Highness (HBO, 8:00 PM EST)
You have an Oscar, Natalie. Do we REALLY need to tell you to stay away from shit like this?
The Green Hornet (Starz, 8:00 PM EST)
And on that note, who on Earth thought this was a good idea? Also, Bruce Lee is dead, so keep your greasy mitts off of his stuff.
From Hell (IFC, 10:30 PM EST)
To the surprise of absolutely no one, Johnny Depp plays a very good absinthe addict.
The Fifth Element (TNT, 8:00 PM EST)
I'm willing to put up with a lot to see Milla Jovovich in an orange harness... but not this much.
The Scorpion King (TNT, 10:30 PM EST)
We love you Dwayne, but you're pushing it here. Even moreso than usual.
Nikita and Supernatural are reruns this week. Fringe is off.
Being Human (BBC America, 9:00 PM EST)
Apparently, there's more than one vampire/ghost/werewolf trio out there... as we learn when a second group shows up one night with dire warnings.
Alice in Wonderland (ABC Family, 8:30 PM EST)
Very problematic, but damn it looks good.
Bruce Almighty (Cinemax, 8:15 PM EST)
You know, Jim Carrey has made some awfully crappy movies in his day...
X-Men: First Class (Cinemax, 10:15 PM EST)
Thankfully, we have this one to wash it down.
The Day the Earth Stood Still (FMC, 7:30 PM EST)
It depresses me to no end to realize that more people will tune into this dreadful 2008 remake than would the incredible 1951 original. Sigh...
Hanna (HBO, 8:00 PM EST)
If you haven't seen this taut thriller about a young girl trained from birth to be an assassin, you officially have no more excuses.
Seven (IFC, 8:00 PM EST)
Could someone please tell Brad Pitt what's in the box? He seems rather vexed about it.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (IFC, 10:45 PM EST)
It's R. Lee Ermy night on IFC... and there's certainly worse actors out there to so honor.
Inglourious Basterds (Showtime, 7:25 PM EST)
I am assured by reputable sources that Michael Fassbender is dreamy. That is all.
Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant (Syfy, 7:00 PM EST)
This would-be franchise starter never got off the ground, but taken on its own terms, it's not half bad.
Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
For better or worse, you're never going to find a better Underworld movie than this one. It repeats Sunday at 7, in case you miss it and can't find anything else to fill the void.
The Dark Knight (TNT, 8:00 PM EST)
The Walking Dead (AMC, 9:00 PM EST)
How tough does the group need to be to survive? And what will they lose in the bargain? We'll get some answers this week.
Comic Book Men (AMC, 10:00 PM EST)
It's new, that's all we know. Not sure that makes any difference or not...
Once Upon a Time (ABC, 8:00 PM EST)
Emma investigates the disappearance of David's wife while Mary Margaret wrestles with issues of Leroy's trustworthiness. Also, faeries.
Hellboy (Encore, 9:45 PM EST)
Not bad, though hard-core fans will probably enjoy it more than laymen. That Ron Perlman is awfully cool though.
Jeepers Creepers 2 (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Shirtless high school basketball players on a broken-down bus are menaced by one of the cooler horror movie monsters to come down the pike. Trust me, it's better than it sounds.
Charly (TCM, 8:00 PM EST)
Cliff Robertson took Robert Downey's advice and didn't go full retard in this story about a mentally handicapped man who gains genius-level intelligence. As a result, he won the Oscar.
Terminator Salvation (TNT, 8:00 PM EST and 10:00 PM EST)
It's a great exploration of the world after Judgment Day, though not such a great movie. Also, it's been two-and-half years; could we please cut Christian Bale some freaking slack? Thanks.