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TV Wasteland: Mid-Winter Blues
TV Wasteland heads into the second half of February.
By Rob Vaux
February 12, 2012
TV Wasteland heads into the second half of February.
© Anna Rettberg
The third week of February finds the usual suspects occupying the boob tube. Let’s have a look!
Alcatraz (Fox, 9:00 PM EST)
The Wheel of Resurrected Inmates lands on a mad bomber this week. Hopefully the learning curve on 50 years’ worth of explosives will keep the damage to a minimum.
Being Human (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Josh decides that he doesn’t want to be a werewolf anymore, while Aiden and Suren try to ride herd on the city’s other vampires.
Lost Girl (Syfy, 10:00 PM EST)
A fae lowlife needs to learn how a human got the better of him and contracts Bo to help him out.
Hellboy II: The Golden Army (FX, 8:00 PM EST)
This may be the worst Guillermo Del Toro movie ever made… which still makes it better than a large number of movies out there.
Idiocracy (IFC, 8:00 PM EST)
As I said, it’s not coming; it’s already here…
Star Trek (FX, 7:00 PM EST)
Look which franchise got a sexy new coat of paint!
Alien and Alien 3 (IFC, 8:00 PM EST and 10:30 PM EST)
Once again, they forego the excellent Part 2 for the fairly cruddy Part 3. Dear God, why?
Troy (Syfy, 8:00 PM EST)
Between Hector, the Hulk and Henry VIII, Eric Bana pretty much has the letter H boxed into a corner, doesn’t he?
Ghost Hunters (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Providence City Hall is apparently haunted. Whether it’s merely ghosts or more Lovecraftian horrors has yet to be seen.
Face Off (Syfy, 10:00 PM EST)
The competitors have to uglify a series of runway models and make a set of triplets look old. Yeah, it’s starting to get weird.
Eraser and Commando (AMC , 8:00 PM EST and 10:30 PM EST)
You more or less see both ends of Schwarzenegger’s career here. Not that much has changed.
Jumper (FMC, 7:00 PM EST)
I’m not sure Samuel L. Jackson can rock the blonde hair the way Wesley Snipes did…
The Happening (FMC, 9:00 PM EST)
I think M. Night touches bottom here… even with The Last Airbender under his belt.
Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (Starz, 7:00 PM EST)
Someday, we will never have to mention this film again…
The Big Bang Theory (CBS, 8:00 PM EST)
Sheldon squares off against one of his many nemeses in an effort to secure a bigger office at work.
The Vampire Diaries (The CW, 8:00 PM EST)
Elijah puts Elena in danger, even as Elena learns some troubling facts about Damon. As the Coffin Turns seems to be in midseason form…
The Secret Circle (The CW, 9:00 PM EST)
A sinister figure covets the medallion that Cassie found in the wreckage of her parents’ home.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 (Cinemax, 7:30 PM EST)
The Woman in Black suggests that Daniel Radcliffe has a future after Harry Potter, but he did get awfully damn good at it didn’t he?
Once Upon a Time in Mexico (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EST)
Overindulgence? You’re soaking in it!
2012 (FX, 6:30 PM EST)
It’s nice to know we can survive the end of the world, provided we know how to break the laws of physics.
TRON: Legacy (Starz, 9:00 PM EST)
The leading man is a trifle bland but the rest of the film just plain rocks.
Star Trek: Insurrection (Syfy, 7:00 PM EST)
Along with Nemesis, this turgid Next Generation movie almost nailed the franchise’s coffin shut.
Pandorum (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Ben Foster stars in a dystopic science fiction story that really should have been better than it is. “Unpleasant” does not mean “cutting edge,” guys.
Fringe (Fox, 9:00 PM EST)
Olivia investigates a mental patient with disturbing connections to a recent string of murders.
Nikita (The CW, 8:00 PM EST)
Nikita learns some new facts about the night she was arrested while Alex comes out about her true identity.
Supernatural (The CW, 9:00 PM EST)
A serial killing demon is on the loose again and only a man it once possessed holds the answers.
Spartacus: Vengeance (Starz, 10:00 PM EST)
Spartacus and Crixus become separated as they march to safety, while Lucretia searches for more dirt on her best frenemy.
Merlin (Syfy, 10:00 PM EST)
Morgana and Alator plan to reveal Merlin’s secret and thus send Camelot into a tizzy. They are a crafty pair, those two…
Slither (AMC, 8:00 PM EST)
If you haven’t seen this 2006 effort about a batch of alien worms attacking a small town, you’ve missed a treat. Nathan Fillion and Elizabeth Banks star.
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (Starz, 7:00 PM EST)
It’s a middle without a beginning or end, but what a glorious middle it is.
Batman Returns (BBC America, 9:00 PM EST)
This film has a lot of problems. Michelle Pfeiffer isn’t one of them.
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (USA, 9:00 PM EST)
Cobra Commander could not have planned a more fiendish form of torture if he tried.
300 (TNT, 9:00 PM EST)
Gerard Butler isn’t going to do better than this, is he?
Star Wars: The Clone Wars is off this week.
The Fades (BBC America, 9:00 PM EST)
The first seasons ends as the Angelics and the Fades square off at least.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (FX, 6:00 PM EST)
Michael Bay is going to hell for this one. The odd thing is, I don’t think he cares.
Ghost Rider (FX, 9:00 PM EST)
Sony didn’t screen the sequel for critics. Looking at the original, it’s not hard to see why.
Your Highness (HBO, 8:00 PM EST)
Natalie Portman deserved her Oscar as few others do… and this effort might just negate it completely.
Resident Evil: Extinction (TNT, 7:00 PM EST)
This is the one that promised all kinds of awesome Vegas set pieces, only to end up filming them all in a Burbank sand pit somewhere.
I Am Legend (TNT, 9:00 PM EST)
Ironically, the only adaptation of the Richard Matheson novel to bear the name actually understands nothing about the Richard Matheson novel.
Stonehenge Apocalypse (Syfy, 7:00 PM EST)
This is a rerun of an earlier bit of Syfy silliness about the end of the world created by the titular site.
2012: Ice Age (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
I always knew those Icelandic volcanoes were trouble. The one in this film creates a new ice age.
The Walking Dead (AMC, 9:00 PM EST)
Rick, Glenn and Hershel have to fight off both the undead and the treacherous living while Shane makes a play to rescue Lori.
Once Upon a Time (ABC, 8:00 PM EST)
David finally grows a pair and tries to break out of his marriage in an effort to be with Mary Margaret.
Comic Book Men (AMC, 10:00 PM EST)
No information on this, though I assume the second episode is just as weak as the first.
Land of the Lost (Syfy, 7:00 PM EST)
Syfy, you must remove this from your programming schedule posthaste and promise never to show it to us again. Ever.
Signs (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Remember when M. Night Shyamalan made movies that didn’t suck? Good times…