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TV Wasteland: Mid-Winter Blues
TV Wasteland heads into the second half of February.
By Rob Vaux
February 12, 2012
The third week of February finds the usual suspects occupying the boob tube. Let’s have a look!
Alcatraz (Fox, 9:00 PM EST)
The Wheel of Resurrected Inmates lands on a mad bomber this week. Hopefully the learning curve on 50 years’ worth of explosives will keep the damage to a minimum.
Being Human (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Josh decides that he doesn’t want to be a werewolf anymore, while Aiden and Suren try to ride herd on the city’s other vampires.
Lost Girl (Syfy, 10:00 PM EST)
A fae lowlife needs to learn how a human got the better of him and contracts Bo to help him out.
Hellboy II: The Golden Army (FX, 8:00 PM EST)
This may be the worst Guillermo Del Toro movie ever made… which still makes it better than a large number of movies out there.
Idiocracy (IFC, 8:00 PM EST)
As I said, it’s not coming; it’s already here…
Star Trek (FX, 7:00 PM EST)
Look which franchise got a sexy new coat of paint!
Alien and Alien 3 (IFC, 8:00 PM EST and 10:30 PM EST)
Once again, they forego the excellent Part 2 for the fairly cruddy Part 3. Dear God, why?
Troy (Syfy, 8:00 PM EST)
Between Hector, the Hulk and Henry VIII, Eric Bana pretty much has the letter H boxed into a corner, doesn’t he?
Ghost Hunters (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Providence City Hall is apparently haunted. Whether it’s merely ghosts or more Lovecraftian horrors has yet to be seen.
Face Off (Syfy, 10:00 PM EST)
The competitors have to uglify a series of runway models and make a set of triplets look old. Yeah, it’s starting to get weird.
Eraser and Commando (AMC , 8:00 PM EST and 10:30 PM EST)
You more or less see both ends of Schwarzenegger’s career here. Not that much has changed.
Jumper (FMC, 7:00 PM EST)
I’m not sure Samuel L. Jackson can rock the blonde hair the way Wesley Snipes did…
The Happening (FMC, 9:00 PM EST)
I think M. Night touches bottom here… even with The Last Airbender under his belt.
Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (Starz, 7:00 PM EST)
Someday, we will never have to mention this film again…
The Big Bang Theory (CBS, 8:00 PM EST)
Sheldon squares off against one of his many nemeses in an effort to secure a bigger office at work.
The Vampire Diaries (The CW, 8:00 PM EST)
Elijah puts Elena in danger, even as Elena learns some troubling facts about Damon. As the Coffin Turns seems to be in midseason form…
The Secret Circle (The CW, 9:00 PM EST)
A sinister figure covets the medallion that Cassie found in the wreckage of her parents’ home.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 (Cinemax, 7:30 PM EST)
The Woman in Black suggests that Daniel Radcliffe has a future after Harry Potter, but he did get awfully damn good at it didn’t he?
Once Upon a Time in Mexico (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EST)
Overindulgence? You’re soaking in it!
2012 (FX, 6:30 PM EST)
It’s nice to know we can survive the end of the world, provided we know how to break the laws of physics.
TRON: Legacy (Starz, 9:00 PM EST)
The leading man is a trifle bland but the rest of the film just plain rocks.
Star Trek: Insurrection (Syfy, 7:00 PM EST)
Along with Nemesis, this turgid Next Generation movie almost nailed the franchise’s coffin shut.
Pandorum (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Ben Foster stars in a dystopic science fiction story that really should have been better than it is. “Unpleasant” does not mean “cutting edge,” guys.
Fringe (Fox, 9:00 PM EST)
Olivia investigates a mental patient with disturbing connections to a recent string of murders.
Nikita (The CW, 8:00 PM EST)
Nikita learns some new facts about the night she was arrested while Alex comes out about her true identity.
Supernatural (The CW, 9:00 PM EST)
A serial killing demon is on the loose again and only a man it once possessed holds the answers.
Spartacus: Vengeance (Starz, 10:00 PM EST)
Spartacus and Crixus become separated as they march to safety, while Lucretia searches for more dirt on her best frenemy.
Merlin (Syfy, 10:00 PM EST)
Morgana and Alator plan to reveal Merlin’s secret and thus send Camelot into a tizzy. They are a crafty pair, those two…
Slither (AMC, 8:00 PM EST)
If you haven’t seen this 2006 effort about a batch of alien worms attacking a small town, you’ve missed a treat. Nathan Fillion and Elizabeth Banks star.
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (Starz, 7:00 PM EST)
It’s a middle without a beginning or end, but what a glorious middle it is.
Batman Returns (BBC America, 9:00 PM EST)
This film has a lot of problems. Michelle Pfeiffer isn’t one of them.
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (USA, 9:00 PM EST)
Cobra Commander could not have planned a more fiendish form of torture if he tried.
300 (TNT, 9:00 PM EST)
Gerard Butler isn’t going to do better than this, is he?
Star Wars: The Clone Wars is off this week.
The Fades (BBC America, 9:00 PM EST)
The first seasons ends as the Angelics and the Fades square off at least.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (FX, 6:00 PM EST)
Michael Bay is going to hell for this one. The odd thing is, I don’t think he cares.
Ghost Rider (FX, 9:00 PM EST)
Sony didn’t screen the sequel for critics. Looking at the original, it’s not hard to see why.
Your Highness (HBO, 8:00 PM EST)
Natalie Portman deserved her Oscar as few others do… and this effort might just negate it completely.
Resident Evil: Extinction (TNT, 7:00 PM EST)
This is the one that promised all kinds of awesome Vegas set pieces, only to end up filming them all in a Burbank sand pit somewhere.
I Am Legend (TNT, 9:00 PM EST)
Ironically, the only adaptation of the Richard Matheson novel to bear the name actually understands nothing about the Richard Matheson novel.
Stonehenge Apocalypse (Syfy, 7:00 PM EST)
This is a rerun of an earlier bit of Syfy silliness about the end of the world created by the titular site.
2012: Ice Age (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
I always knew those Icelandic volcanoes were trouble. The one in this film creates a new ice age.
The Walking Dead (AMC, 9:00 PM EST)
Rick, Glenn and Hershel have to fight off both the undead and the treacherous living while Shane makes a play to rescue Lori.
Once Upon a Time (ABC, 8:00 PM EST)
David finally grows a pair and tries to break out of his marriage in an effort to be with Mary Margaret.
Comic Book Men (AMC, 10:00 PM EST)
No information on this, though I assume the second episode is just as weak as the first.
Land of the Lost (Syfy, 7:00 PM EST)
Syfy, you must remove this from your programming schedule posthaste and promise never to show it to us again. Ever.
Signs (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Remember when M. Night Shyamalan made movies that didn’t suck? Good times…