It’s another busy week, with a full slate of shows deep into their fall runs. Here’s how it all breaks down this week.
Revolution (NBC, 10:00 PM EDT)
A relative bumps into Nora, testing her loyalties even as the gang is pursued by a nasty militia member.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (ABC Family, 7:00 PM EDT)
AKA The One Where I Finally Got it.
Apocalypse Now Redux (AMC, 8:00 PM EDT)
Sometimes, cuts are good things, as this flabby update of the Coppola masterpiece proves.
Rise of the Planet of the Apes (Cinemax, 8:15 PM EDT)
With The Life of Pi coming out – complete with a brilliant performance from a CGI tiger – expect the mo-cap acting controversy to continue. What isn’t controversial? The awesomeness of this movie.
Stargate (Sundance, 6:45 PM EDT)
I’m willing to forgive this movie a lot, both for the solid TV show it spawned and for Kurt Russell saying “shoot anything that comes down that ramp.”
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (Syfy, 6:30 PM EDT)
I’d say the sequel couldn’t possibly be any worse, but you never know…
Jeepers Creepers 2 (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
Despite its throwaway title, this is actually a decent little horror flick, in which a basketball team in a broken-down bus has to fend off a monster that seemingly can’t be killed.
A Bug’s Life (Disney, 8:00 PM EDT)
Definitely a lesser entry in the Pixar canon, an updating of Seven Samurai played out in the insect world.
Shrek Forever After (FX, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
I won’t call it great, but at least it attains a nice sense of closure for the durable franchise.
Priest (Starz, 7:30 PM EDT)
I fervently maintain my belief that there is a director’s cut of this film out there somewhere, and that it does not, in any sense of the word, suck.
Click (Starz, 9:00 PM EDT)
I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to punch Adam Sandler as hard as I do here.
Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (Starz, 10:50 PM EDT)
Considering the hour, you’d really be better off just going to bed.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (ABC Family, 7:30 PM EDT)
They really need to just set up a station devoted solely to the Harry Potter films. It would save us all a lot of trouble.
Poseidon (AMC, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 EDT)
Irwin Allen without the cheese isn’t better. Just more boring.
Unknown (Cinemax, 8:00 PM EDT)
Can we all just agree never to piss off Liam Neeson again and leave it at that?
WALL-E (Disney, 8:00 PM EDT)
Damn, he’s a cute little guy…
Live Free or Die Hard (FMC, 7:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
Admittedly, it’s not a classic, but it has some things going for it. Like Timothy Freaking Olyphant.
Twilight (FX, 7:30 PM EDT)
Just close your eyes and ignore it. It will all be over soon.
Transporter 3 (IFC, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:15 PM EDT)
The novelty of watching an action film directed by a guy named “Megaton” has definitely worn off.
Apollo 18 (Showtime, 7:00 PM EDT)
It’s not the death rattle of found footage, but it really should be.
Arrow (The CW, 8:00 PM EDT)
The Royal Flush Gang hits Oliver’s turf, forcing him to make a decision about who exactly he’s fighting. It looks like The CW has a hit on their hands here, so expect Green Arrow to be back next season.
Supernatural (The CW, 9:00 PM EDT)
Castiel escapes from purgatory and Kevin colludes with Mrs. Tran to build a demon bomb. I want one too!
American Horror Story: Asylum (FX, 10:00 PM EDT)
Sister Jude finds some tasty info on Arden, while Blood Face is finally revealed.
Ghost Hunters (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
The team checks out Hammond Castle in Massachusetts.
The Maltese Falcon and The Big Sleep (TCM, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
Humphrey Bogart defines the rumpled PI in a pair of mystery masterpieces on Turner Classics.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (ABC Family, 8:00 PM EDT)
The meme is right: we really do hate Delores Umbridge more than Voldemort.
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (Cinemax, 9:00 PM EDT)
Seriously. HP: The Harry Potter Channel. Think it over.
The Truman Show (AMC, 8:00 PM EDT)
Jim Carrey’s unwitting reality TV star is more pertinent than ever in a movie that still stands as a career highlight for him.
Shanghai Noon (AMC, 10:15 PM EDT)
Damn, Jackie Chan is cool…
On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (BBC America, 8:00 PM EDT)
Because Skyfall rocks and there’s Bond too be had! Even George Lazenby Bond!
Ratatouille (Disney, 8:00 PM EDT)
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Peter O’Toole’s final speech is the most eloquent definition of criticism I’ve ever heard.
The Twilight Saga: New Moon (FX, 8:00 PM EDT)
Have I mentioned lately that I hate these movies? It repeats on Friday at 8:00 PM EDT, and again on Sunday at 8:00 PM EDT.
Apocalypto (IFC, 8:00 PM EDT)
I wanted to like this film, but the subtext is very troubling… especially considering who directed it.
The Big Bang Theory (CBS, 8:00 PM EDT)
Every afternoon at the exact same time, Sheldon vanishes. Howard and Raj try to find out where he goes.
Burn Notice (USA, 10:00 PM EDT)
Michael stands accused of a crime, while Olivia puts the spurs to Sam in an effort to make Michael squirm.
Elementary (CBS, 10:00 PM EDT)
Holmes investigates a murder that bears a close resemblance to a number of other killings years ago.
Last Resort (ABC, 8:00 PM EDT)
Chaplin and Kendal need to find out who stole the key that, you know, launches all the nukes.
The Vampire Diaries (The CW, 8:00 PM EDT)
Elena starts freaking out. Still not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing.
Beauty and The Beast (The CW, 9:00 PM EDT)
And now we get to it: Vincent tells Cat that he’s seriously into her. Let the sparks fly!
Angel Heart (Sundance, 10:00 PM EDT)
This brilliant supernatural mystery was overshadowed at the time of release by controversy over a Mickey Rourke sex scene. Since then, we’ve all become far too familiar with Mickey Rourke sex scenes, but the film still kicks ass.
Rise of the Zombies (Syfy, 7:00 PM EDT)
Yeah, this doesn’t sound derivative at all.
Pulse (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
Once again, a J-horror remake trips on its shoelaces.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (ABC Family, 7:30 PM EDT)
Alan Rickman! Alan Rickman! Rah, rah, rah!
The Green Mile (AMC, 7:00 PM EDT)
I’m willing to forgive this film its extended running time and general bloat. Because Michael Clarke Duncan.
Die Hard 2 (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EDT)
When this was originally released, they actually gave it the subtitle Die Harder. Good times…
Toy Story (Disney, 8:00 PM EDT)
Do I really need to tell you why you should tune in?
The Spirit (IFC, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
Let’s talk blown opportunities for a little bit. Also, why Frank Miller should never direct.
Fringe (Fox, 9:00 PM EDT)
The rebellion kicks into high gear, even as one of the team members creates a Fringe event.
Grimm (NBC, 9:00 PM EDT)
Adalind targets Nick, Hank and Juliette, while Captain Renard continues obsessing.
Haven (Syfy, 10:00 PM EDT)
Rejoice Haven fans! A fourth season has been assured. Also, Duke gets sent back in time.
Jeepers Creepers (AMC, 8:00 PM EDT)
Forgive the lousy title of this solid horror film; it’s definitely worth a look.
A Knight’s Tale (BBC America, 8:00 PM EDT)
It’s a pretty goofy movie, but it will charm your socks off it you let it.
Toy Story 2 (Disney, 8:00 PM EDT)
Best sequel ever? You could make that claim, yes.
Horton Hears a Who! (FMC, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
Because Mike Myers isn’t the only one who can rape Dr. Seuss.
Creepshow (IFC, 8:00 PM EDT)
Apparently, every day is Halloween for IFC.
Edward Scissorhands (IFC, 10:30 PM EDT)
If you’re tired of Tim Burton, then this delightful yet slightly muddled fairy tale bears at least some of the blame.
Lawrence of Arabia (TCM, 8:00 PM EDT)
It’s not genre, but good God do you need to see it.
John Carter (Starz, 9:00 PM EDT)
The reclamation of this movie’s reputation – from box office disaster to cult classic – begins now.
The Three Musketeers (Showtime, 8:00 PM EDT)
This is the Paul W.S. Anderson version of the venerable tale. Fairly warned thee be, says I.
Grindhouse Presents: Planet Terror (Spike, 10:30 PM EDT)
Granted, it’s the better half of the Grindhouse duo, but running one without the other misses the whole. Damn. Point.
Grindhouse Presents: Death Proof (Spike, 12:30 AM EDT)
Wait, they what? And the fake trailers are included? Spike, I officially take back everything nasty I ever said about you. Give us a hug!
Resident Evil and Resident Evil: Afterlife (Syfy, 7:00 PM EDT and 9:00 PM EDT)
Part One and Part Four are running on Syfy tonight. Frankly, you could do worse.
Idiocracy (IFC, 8:00 PM EDT)
Insert crass comparison to whichever political party you don’t belong to here.
Bedazzled (TCM, 10:00 PM EDT)
We’ve got an odd little entry here about a twerp offered a deal with the devil. Remade a few years ago with Brendan Fraser, this version features Dudley Moore.
National Treasure (Cartoon, 6:30 PM EDT)
Apparently, this network has expanded from literal cartoons to metaphorical ones as well.
End of Days (Cinemax, 7:00 PM EDT)
Schwarzenegger’s return to filmmaking isn’t necessarily a good thing. Need proof? Cinemax has it.
Predators (FX, 10:00 PM EDT)
Love it, love it, love it!
Toy Story 3 (Disney, 8:00 PM EDT)
Seriously, what Pixar did with these films is nothing short of amazing.
Tooth Fairy (FMC, 7:00 PM EDT and 9:00 PM EDT)
I like The Rock too, but even this is pushing it.
The Walking Dead (AMC, 9:00 PM EDT)
Okay, so they got a newborn baby and a dead wife. I’m betting they’ll find a way to deal with it.
Dexter (Showtime, 9:00 PM EDT)
Dexter’s relationship with Hannah becomes known after a surprise visit, even as Isaak focuses ever more obsessively on his search.
Zombie Apocalypse (Syfy 9:00 PM EDT)
Whatever chimp cranks out the titles for Syfy’s original movies must have had a serious brain fart.
Independence Day (Spike, 8:00 PM EDT)
Remember when we thought the destruction of several major cities was a lark? Good times.
V for Vendetta (BBC America, 8:00 PM EDT)
So close and yet so far…
Next (FMC, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
See, Nicolas Cage went crazy a long time ago. It just took a few more crappy movies before we realized it.
Highlander (Sundance, 10:15 PM EDT)
We close with a couple of winners, starting with Russell Mulcahy’s awesome cult classic…
The Wizard of Oz (TCM, 8:00 PM EDT)
…and closing with the most beloved motion picture of all time.
Once Upon a Time and 666 Park Avenue are off this week. Have a good one everyone!