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TV Wasteland: And now the story...
The Bluths are back!
By Rob Vaux
May 27, 2013
Can’t talk. Wallowing in new season of Arrested Development.
Revolution (NBC, 10:00 PM EDT)
Miles and the gang crack the Tower, even as Rachel and Monroe square off face to face.
Teen Wolf: Back to the Pack (MTV, 10:00 PM EDT)
Before the new season kicks off, MTV gives you an hour-long recap of Season Two, along with interviews from the cast and crew. Um… yay?
Piranhaconda (Syfy, 8:00 PM EDT)
Okay, this is officially the best Syfy mash-up animal ever.
Dinocroc vs. Supergator (Syfy, 10:00 PM EDT)
Without the magic of Piranhaconda, it is nothing.
Battleship (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EDT)
Because Liam Neeson hates us for some reason.
Toy Story 3 (Disney, 7:30 PM EDT)
Disney unveils the last truly masterful Pixar movie to date.
Final Destination and Final Destination 3 (FMC, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
The first and the third entries in a reliably less-than-reliable horror film saga fill up FMC tonight. Thank goodness for Tony Todd!
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (FX, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
Not even Todd could have saved this one. And seriously, Julian McMahon as Doctor Doom?!
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (Showtime, 6:15 PM EDT)
Sullen muttering high-school girl becomes sullen muttering sparkly vampire. The end.
Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (Spike, 8:00 PM EDT)
The best of Parts I through III sees Anakin Skywalker finally embracing his dark destiny. I expect that the recent announcement of Rebels will increase interest in this one substantially.
Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (Starz, 9:00 PM EDT)
Marvel really needs to do something about its second-tier adaptations. The bar’s been raised a little high for this kind of shit fellas.
Van Helsing (Starz, 10:40 PM EDT)
Speaking of shit…
Warehouse 13 and Defiance are off for Memorial Day.
Weird or What? (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
This week’s two-shot involves aliens, Mayan prophecies and ancient artifacts.
Red Planet (Syfy, 6:30 PM EDT)
Val Kilmer vs. a death robot. On Mars. Are you excited yet?
Apocalypse Now Redux (AMC, 8:00 PM EDT)
Yeah, yeah, it’s Apocalypse Now, but some things belonged on the editing room floor.
The Watch (Cinemax, 6:50 PM EDT)
This limp comedy about a neighborhood watch program battling alien invaders cannot disappear fast enough.
The Apparition (Cinemax, 8:30 PM EDT)
The same goes for this one, a contender for the worst horror movie of the last year.
Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian (FMC, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:30 PM EDT)
And… wow, even more shit starring Ben Stiller. Is there no relief?!
Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted (HBO, 8:00 PM EDT)
Whew! Thanks HBO!
Lego Star Wars: The Yoda Chronicles (Cartoon, 8:00 PM EDT)
It may sound silly, but these Lego specials are actually extremely funny. In this new production, Yoda and his padawans try to stop a super weapon.
The Scorpion King and The Scorpion King 2 (AMC, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
The little acorn from which the mighty Rock film career grew.
V for Vendetta (BBC America, 8:00 PM EDT)
Though I confess that some scenes are flat-out brilliant, I don’t think the filmmakers quite understood the source material. Repeats on Saturday at 8:00 PM EDT on IFC.
Collateral (Cinemax, 8:00 PM EDT)
Michael Mann is absolutely in his element in a brilliant thriller that will remind you why you used to love Tom Cruise.
Death Race (FMC, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:30 PM EDT)
Oh Jason Statham, how can I stay mad at you?
The Haunted Mansion (Starz, 7:30 PM EDT)
The late Gene Siskel liked to say “Is this movie better than a documentary of the same actors having lunch?” In this case, it’s the same actors on a theme park ride.
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (Sundance, 8:00 PM EDT)
It’s the Scandinavian version i.e., the better one.
Hannibal (NBC, 10:00 PM EDT)
Hannibal continues playing with Will’s head, which results in Will contaminating a crime scene.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 (ABC Family, 7:30 PM EDT)
Harry and his friends go on the run in one of the series’ best entries.
The Matrix (Cinemax, 7:45 PM EDT)
Keanu Reeves still knows kung fu.
Mr. and Mrs. Smith (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EDT)
So do Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, though they don’t look nearly as good practicing it.
Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (HBO, 8:30 PM EDT)
As underwhelming sequels go, this is one of the underwhelming-est.
The Shining (IFC, 8:00 PM EDT)
The tender, loving story of one man and his axe.
Brave (Starz, 7:25 PM EDT)
It won the Best Animated Feature Oscar, and we’re still trying to figure out why.
Ella Enchanted (Starz, 9:00 PM EDT)
Because Anne Hathaway was once a Disney princess too.
Shutter Island (Syfy, 8:00 PM EDT)
Leonardo deserves an Oscar nomination for this… in part because he could actually work with the lousy-ass script.
Merlin (Syfy, 10:00 PM EDT)
The series comes to a conclusion in the final battle between Arthur and Morgana. A tip of the cap to Merlin for its successful run. Well done guys!
Da Vinci’s Demons (Starz, 9:00 PM EDT)
Leonardo builds a diving suit as a way of sneaking into the Vatican. Okay, I’ll pay to see that.
1941 (TCM, 10:00 PM EDT)
It’s a great movie to get drunk to, I’ll give it that.
Sherlock Holmes (TNT, 8:00 PM EDT)
Robert Downey’s is truly a Sherlock for our times. It’s just a pity that lightning couldn’t strike twice.
Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (BBC America, 8:00 PM EDT)
In the case of Kevin Costner, lightning didn’t even strike once.
Hancock (FX, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
Will Smith has been worse in a film about which you could say the same.
Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope (Spike, 8:00 PM EDT)
If Spike would only start airing the original versions instead of the Special Editions, they’d really have something. Repeats on Saturday at 6:00 PM EDT.
Underworld: Awakening (Starz, 7:30 PM EDT)
We have a battle of Underworlds tonight. This one definitely is not the winner.
Underworld: Evolution (Syfy, 7:00 PM EDT)
The second one ain’t great, but it beats the alternative.
The Ruins (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
Syfy unveils a surprisingly effective little horror movie about a gaggle of American tourists who visit the wrong Incan temple.
Total Recall (Starz, 9:00 PM EDT)
Colin Farrell is not now, has not been nor will he ever be Arnold Schwarzenegger. In many cases that’s a good thing. Not here.
Iron Man 2 (FX, 8:00 PM EDT)
Still the runt of the litter.
How to Train Your Dragon (FMC, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
Dreamworks’ charmer handily beats Avatar for dazzling aerial sequences. Seriously.
Collateral Damage (IFC, 10:45 PM EDT)
Arnold Schwarzenegger doesn’t exactly blend, does he?
Shrek (Cartoon, 7:00 PM EDT)
The first-ever winner of the Best Animated Feature Oscar never lets us forget how awesome it is.
Mulan (ABC Family, 8:00 PM EDT)
Disney scored a late-inning winner about a Chinese woman who disguises herself as a man in order to stop a Mongol invasion.
Pocahontas (ABC Family, 10:05 PM EDT)
It’s hard to pull off a painfully PC morality tale with Mel Gibson as one of your principles, but…
Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back (Spike, 9:15 PM EDT)
Best Star Wars movie ever? Oh yes. Repeats on Sunday at 6:45 PM EDT.
The Professional (Sundance, 10:00 PM EDT)
Nice to see this modern classic back in the rotation for a bit.
Game of Thrones (HBO, 9:00 PM EDT)
Edmure meets the gal he’s gonna marry while Jon takes on a possibly insurmountable challenge.
The Adventures of Robin Hood (TCM, 10:00 PM EDT)
Errol Flynn scores the role of his life in the classic that set the standard for decades to come.
Mega Python vs. Gatoroid (Syfy, 7:00 PM EDT)
Mega Piranha (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
Eh, giant piranhas aren’t nearly as interesting as giant sharks.
The Chronicles of Riddick (Cinemax, 7:45 PM EDT)
Nobody liked it when it first came out, but its B-movie pleasures definitely stand up.
Cinderella (ABC Family, 7:45 PM EDT)
Disney’s classic animated feature suffers from a number of flaws, though the animation isn’t one of them.
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (BBC America, 7:00 PM EDT)
Anyone up for a Chapter Two without the accompanying Chapters One or Three?
Starship Troopers (IFC, 5:15 PM EDT and 8:15 PM EDT)
Paul Verhoeven is crazy. Batshit bugfuck balls-to-the-wall crazy.
Star Wars: Episode VI: Return of the Jedi (Spike, 10:00 PM EDT)
Disney cannot get the yub-yub song back into this one quickly enough.
Have a great Memorial Day everyone!