TV Wasteland: And now the story... - Mania.com



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TV Wasteland: And now the story...

The Bluths are back!

By Rob Vaux     May 27, 2013
Source: Mania.com

Can’t talk. Wallowing in new season of Arrested Development.

 

Monday

Revolution (NBC, 10:00 PM EDT)
Miles and the gang crack the Tower, even as Rachel and Monroe square off face to face.
 
Teen Wolf: Back to the Pack (MTV, 10:00 PM EDT)
Before the new season kicks off, MTV gives you an hour-long recap of Season Two, along with interviews from the cast and crew. Um… yay?
 
Piranhaconda  (Syfy, 8:00 PM EDT)
Okay, this is officially the best Syfy mash-up animal ever.
 
Dinocroc vs. Supergator (Syfy, 10:00 PM EDT)
Without the magic of Piranhaconda, it is nothing.
 
Battleship (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EDT)
Because Liam Neeson hates us for some reason.
 
Toy Story 3 (Disney, 7:30 PM EDT)
Disney unveils the last truly masterful Pixar movie to date. 
 
Final Destination and Final Destination 3 (FMC, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
The first and the third entries in a reliably less-than-reliable horror film saga fill up FMC tonight. Thank goodness for Tony Todd!
 
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (FX, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
Not even Todd could have saved this one. And seriously, Julian McMahon as Doctor Doom?!
 
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (Showtime, 6:15 PM EDT)
Sullen muttering high-school girl becomes sullen muttering sparkly vampire. The end.
 
Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (Spike, 8:00 PM EDT)
The best of Parts I through III sees Anakin Skywalker finally embracing his dark destiny. I expect that the recent announcement of Rebels will increase interest in this one substantially.
 
Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (Starz, 9:00 PM EDT)
Marvel really needs to do something about its second-tier adaptations. The bar’s been raised a little high for this kind of shit fellas.
 
Van Helsing (Starz, 10:40 PM EDT)
Speaking of shit…
 
Warehouse 13 and Defiance are off for Memorial Day.
 

Tuesday

Weird or What? (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
This week’s two-shot involves aliens, Mayan prophecies and ancient artifacts.
 
Red Planet (Syfy, 6:30 PM EDT)
Val Kilmer vs. a death robot. On Mars. Are you excited yet?
 
Apocalypse Now Redux (AMC, 8:00 PM EDT)
Yeah, yeah, it’s Apocalypse Now, but some things belonged on the editing room floor.
 
The Watch (Cinemax, 6:50 PM EDT)
This limp comedy about a neighborhood watch program battling alien invaders cannot disappear fast enough.
 
The Apparition (Cinemax, 8:30 PM EDT)
The same goes for this one, a contender for the worst horror movie of the last year.
 
Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian (FMC, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:30 PM EDT)
And… wow, even more shit starring Ben Stiller. Is there no relief?!
 
Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted (HBO, 8:00 PM EDT)
Whew! Thanks HBO!
 

Wednesday

Lego Star Wars: The Yoda Chronicles (Cartoon, 8:00 PM EDT)
It may sound silly, but these Lego specials are actually extremely funny. In this new production, Yoda and his padawans try to stop a super weapon.
 
The Scorpion King and The Scorpion King 2 (AMC, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
The little acorn from which the mighty Rock film career grew.
 
V for Vendetta (BBC America, 8:00 PM EDT)
Though I confess that some scenes are flat-out brilliant, I don’t think the filmmakers quite understood the source material. Repeats on Saturday at 8:00 PM EDT on IFC.
 
Collateral (Cinemax, 8:00 PM EDT)
Michael Mann is absolutely in his element in a brilliant thriller that will remind you why you used to love Tom Cruise.
 
Death Race (FMC, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:30 PM EDT)
Oh Jason Statham, how can I stay mad at you?
 
The Haunted Mansion (Starz, 7:30 PM EDT)
The late Gene Siskel liked to say “Is this movie better than a documentary of the same actors having lunch?” In this case, it’s the same actors on a theme park ride.
 
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (Sundance, 8:00 PM EDT)
It’s the Scandinavian version i.e., the better one. 
 

Thursday

Hannibal (NBC, 10:00 PM EDT)
Hannibal continues playing with Will’s head, which results in Will contaminating a crime scene.
 
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 (ABC Family, 7:30 PM EDT)
Harry and his friends go on the run in one of the series’ best entries.
 
The Matrix (Cinemax, 7:45 PM EDT)
Keanu Reeves still knows kung fu.
 
Mr. and Mrs. Smith (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EDT)
So do Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, though they don’t look nearly as good practicing it.
 
Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (HBO, 8:30 PM EDT)
As underwhelming sequels go, this is one of the underwhelming-est. 
 
The Shining (IFC, 8:00 PM EDT)
The tender, loving story of one man and his axe.
 
Brave (Starz, 7:25 PM EDT)
It won the Best Animated Feature Oscar, and we’re still trying to figure out why.
 
Ella Enchanted (Starz, 9:00 PM EDT)
Because Anne Hathaway was once a Disney princess too. 
 
Shutter Island (Syfy, 8:00 PM EDT)
Leonardo deserves an Oscar nomination for this… in part because he could actually work with the lousy-ass script.
 

Friday

Merlin (Syfy, 10:00 PM EDT)
The series comes to a conclusion in the final battle between Arthur and Morgana. A tip of the cap to Merlin for its successful run. Well done guys!
 
Da Vinci’s Demons (Starz, 9:00 PM EDT)
Leonardo builds a diving suit as a way of sneaking into the Vatican. Okay, I’ll pay to see that.
 
1941 (TCM, 10:00 PM EDT)
It’s a great movie to get drunk to, I’ll give it that. 
 
Sherlock Holmes (TNT, 8:00 PM EDT)
Robert Downey’s is truly a Sherlock for our times. It’s just a pity that lightning couldn’t strike twice.
 
Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (BBC America, 8:00 PM EDT)
In the case of Kevin Costner, lightning didn’t even strike once.
 
Hancock (FX, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
Will Smith has been worse in a film about which you could say the same.
 
Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope (Spike, 8:00 PM EDT)
If Spike would only start airing the original versions instead of the Special Editions, they’d really have something. Repeats on Saturday at 6:00 PM EDT.
 

Saturday

Underworld: Awakening (Starz, 7:30 PM EDT)
We have a battle of Underworlds tonight. This one definitely is not the winner.
 
Underworld: Evolution (Syfy, 7:00 PM EDT)
The second one ain’t great, but it beats the alternative.
 
The Ruins (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
Syfy unveils a surprisingly effective little horror movie about a gaggle of American tourists who visit the wrong Incan temple. 
 
Total Recall (Starz, 9:00 PM EDT)
Colin Farrell is not now, has not been nor will he ever be Arnold Schwarzenegger. In many cases that’s a good thing. Not here.
 
Iron Man 2 (FX, 8:00 PM EDT)
Still the runt of the litter.
 
How to Train Your Dragon (FMC, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
Dreamworks’ charmer handily beats Avatar for dazzling aerial sequences. Seriously.
 
Collateral Damage (IFC, 10:45 PM EDT)
Arnold Schwarzenegger doesn’t exactly blend, does he?
 
Shrek (Cartoon, 7:00 PM EDT)
The first-ever winner of the Best Animated Feature Oscar never lets us forget how awesome it is.
 
Mulan (ABC Family, 8:00 PM EDT)
Disney scored a late-inning winner about a Chinese woman who disguises herself as a man in order to stop a Mongol invasion.
 
Pocahontas (ABC Family, 10:05 PM EDT)
It’s hard to pull off a painfully PC morality tale with Mel Gibson as one of your principles, but…
 
Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back (Spike, 9:15 PM EDT)
Best Star Wars movie ever? Oh yes. Repeats on Sunday at 6:45 PM EDT.
 
The Professional (Sundance, 10:00 PM EDT)
Nice to see this modern classic back in the rotation for a bit.
 

Sunday

Game of Thrones (HBO, 9:00 PM EDT)
Edmure meets the gal he’s gonna marry while Jon takes on a possibly insurmountable challenge.
 
The Adventures of Robin Hood (TCM, 10:00 PM EDT)
Errol Flynn scores the role of his life in the classic that set the standard for decades to come.
 
Mega Python vs. Gatoroid (Syfy, 7:00 PM EDT)
Any questions?
 
Mega Piranha (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
Eh, giant piranhas aren’t nearly as interesting as giant sharks.
 
The Chronicles of Riddick (Cinemax, 7:45 PM EDT)
Nobody liked it when it first came out, but its B-movie pleasures definitely stand up.
 
Cinderella (ABC Family, 7:45 PM EDT)
Disney’s classic animated feature suffers from a number of flaws, though the animation isn’t one of them.
 
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (BBC America, 7:00 PM EDT)
Anyone up for a Chapter Two without the accompanying Chapters One or Three?
 
Starship Troopers (IFC, 5:15 PM EDT and 8:15 PM EDT)
Paul Verhoeven is crazy. Batshit bugfuck balls-to-the-wall crazy.
 
Star Wars: Episode VI: Return of the Jedi (Spike, 10:00 PM EDT)
Disney cannot get the yub-yub song back into this one quickly enough.
 
Have a great Memorial Day everyone!

COMMENTS AND RESPONSES

Showing items 1 - 8 of 8
1 
DaveFu 5/27/2013 12:56:19 AM

 No mention of The possibly triumphant return of The Venture Bros. at midnight Sunday? 

Tharigzog 5/27/2013 3:46:57 AM

Spent all day sunday watching the new Season of Arrested Development.  I really hope they are able to do another season.

hanso 5/27/2013 9:31:07 AM

Arrested Development! Here is to anustart.

fenngibbon 5/27/2013 12:34:13 PM

 "Battleship (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EDT)
Because Liam Neeson hates us for some reason."

 

I thought it was because Liam Neeson needed a paycheck.

 

Iron Man 2 may be the runt of the litter, but given that the rest of the litter are 200 pound mastiffs, the runt's still pretty substantial.

Kaziklu 5/27/2013 5:28:20 PM

 Finished Arrested Development. Wasn't a huge fan of the orginal series. The "new" season was um... a waste of time. 

jackwagon 5/28/2013 5:36:34 AM

 What exactly is a "Gatoroid"?

Kaziklu 5/28/2013 5:11:50 PM

 @jackwagon. It is a giant robot formed by the failed sustainability of Debbie Gibson's and Tiffany's singer career. 

CalamityJohnson 5/30/2013 11:44:30 AM

Hannibal!!

Yeah, I'm hypin' on it again. If you're not watching, you're missing one of the best full seasons of any show period! Wish this website would give this show its due respect.

1 

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