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TV Wasteland: Scary for All the Wrong Reasons
Stephen King’s Bag of Bones comes to A&E By
Rob Vaux
December 04, 2011
Stephen King's Bag of Bones arrives on A&E
© A&E
Bag of Bones is coming to A&E! Are you excited? Me neither. Stephen King adaptations have a heavily mixed track record, especially on television, and no one was knocking down the doors demanding that this middle-of-the-road novel be turned into four hours of barely watchable melodrama.
Granted, there have been good TV adaptations of King’s work in the past. The Stand and It are both well-regarded, Storm of the Century is quite good if you ignore the soggy middle, and Brian Henson directed an outstanding version of the short story Battleground for the otherwise unremarkable Nightmares and Dreamscapes. They stand amid a glut of televised mediocrities , however. (Anyone remember the remakes of Carrie and The Shining? How about Desperation?) Bag of Bones is particularly problematic first because it’s not an especially good novel. King returns to his shopworn tropes of tormented writers and small Maine towns unleashing demons of the past. The cast is decent enough (Pierce Brosnan and Annabeth Gish), but director Mick Garris raises a few warning flags. He managed not to screw up The Stand, but his remaining efforts – including Sleepwalkers, Riding the Bullet, Desperation and the Shining remake – have been eminently forgettable at best. (At worst… well, let’s not go there.)
Coupled with the less-than-innovative source material, it gives one considerable pause. A&E was wise to let The Walking Dead go into hiatus, so as not to have any competition. (And with frequent King collaborator Frank Darabont now off that show, one hopes they can lure him to adapting the next project.) That doesn’t mean the ensuing four hours won’t be wasted time, however… or that you won’t find yourself eyeing something – anything – else on at the same time.
Bag of Bones premieres this Sunday, at 9:00 PM EST on A&E. The conclusion airs Monday the 12th at 9:00 PM EST.
Monday
Neverland (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
The Syfy miniseries chronicling the origins of Peter Pan concludes tonight, presumably without a set of green tights.
A Charlie Brown Christmas (CBS, 8:00 PM EST)
The holiday classic returns after CBS pulled the plug on the latest Peanuts special, You’re a Monstrous Bitch, Lucy Van Pelt.
A Christmas Carol (AMC, 8:00 PM EST)
George C. Scott stars as Scrooge in one of the very best adaptations of the Charles Dickens perennial ever filmed. Genre legend David Warner co-stars as Bob Cratchitt, proving that he can play nice guys just as well as monsters. The film repeats all week in case you miss it.
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (IFC, 8:00 PM EST)
An admirable if slightly pedestrian version of the beloved Douglas Adams novel. Sam Rockwell steals the show as two-headed intergalactic hustler Zaphod Beeblebrox.
The Sorcerer’s Apprentice (Starz, 7:05 PM EST)
Is Nicolas Cage crazy? Oh yes he is…
Battle: Los Angeles (Starz, 9:00 PM EST)
Unjustly maligned, this admittedly minor entry in the alien invasion canon still brings plenty of popcorn fun to the table.
The Mystery of Edwin Drood (TCM, 8:00 PM EST)
TCM unveils an Old Tyme horror movie featuring the great Claude Rains as a choir director who may have committed murder. Check it out!
A Christmas Carol (TCM, 9:45 PM EST)
If George C. Scott is too contemporary, tune in to this 1938 version of the tale, featuring Reginald Owen as Scrooge.
Terra Nova is off in favor of the American Country Awards, ensuring that Fox’s Shitty Monday quota remains intact.
Tuesday
Eureka (Syfy, 8:00 PM EST)
Eureka fans mourning the loss of their show get a brief reprieve with this Christmas special, as the town transforms into animated characters thanks to a bizarre wave.
Warehouse 13 (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Apparently, not-cancelled Syfy shows get Christmas specials too, as Latimer is shot into a parallel universe where he was never born. A clichéd notion, but Warehouse 13 has earned the benefit of the doubt.
Haven (Syfy, 10:00 PM EST)
Syfy’s night of Christmas specials concludes when the holiday arrives mid-July in Haven, with presumably disastrous results.
The Nightmare Before Christmas (Disney, 8:30 PM EST)
Jack Skellington gets into deep trouble when he and his Halloweentown buddies kidnap Mr. Sandy Claws in an effort to take over Christmas. Apparently some people rather like this film. I’m one of them.
Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian (FX, 7:30 PM EST)
Rarely in the history of movies have so many talented actors – including Ben Stiller, Amy Adams, Hank Azaria, Christopher Guest , Ricky Gervais and Bill Hader – gathered to such limited and fruitless effect.
Tooth Fairy (Cinemax, 8:15 PM EST)
Could someone please ask The Rock what we did to deserve this? Whatever it was, we promise not to do it again.
The Adjustment Bureau (HBO, 8:30 PM EST)
The year’s most unusual love story plays out amid a classic Twilight Zone conceit: supernatural beings who keep our destinies on track and get very upset when we muck with their plans by falling for the wrong girl.
The Two Towers (Starz, 9:00 PM EST)
You know, it seems almost sacrilege to watch one of these movies – especially the middle one – without the other two. Be that as it may, there’s still three hours of Tolkien Awesome on tap tonight.
Wednesday
American Horror Story (FX, 10:00 PM EST)
We finally get to see what’s wrong with Lucy even as Violet learns the dos and don’ts about the house.
Ghost Hunters (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Ghost Hunters gets into the Christmas spirit with a visit to Bethlehem, PA. This also constitutes the season finale.
The Hunt for Red October (IFC, 8:00 PM EST)
Cold War cinema takes a curtain call with this sterling adaptation of the Tom Clancy bestseller, about a defecting Soviet sub commander (who, oddly enough, speaks with a thick Scottish brogue).
Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (Starz, 8:03 PM EST)
Someone forgot to include the fun in this turgid adaptation of the popular video game. Also, they might want to cast an actual Persian in the role of the Persian Prince next time.
Waterworld(Cinemax, 7:45 PM EST)
Dennis Hopper was the only one apparently in on the joke here. God bless him.
Thursday
The Big Bang Theory (CBS, 8:00 PM EST)
An old schoolyard bully contacts Leonard, doubtless causing no end of consternation and woe.
Burn Notice (USA, 10:00 PM EST)
The team rallies to shut down a blood-diamond smuggler, while Michael struggles with the transfer of a prisoner carrying vital information.
Grimm (NBC, 10:00 PM EST)
The NBC also-ran heads to Thursday night with a new episode centering around the mysterious death of a high school teacher. This certainly doesn’t smack of a burn-off at all.
Ghost (AMC, 8:00 PM EST)
There’s nothing actively wrong with this supernatural romance – it has some very good moments – but the hype surrounding it really pounded its better elements into the ground. Also, an Oscar for Whoopi Goldberg?! Seriously?!
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian (Syfy, 6:00 PM EST)
The aborted Chronicles of Narnia series hit its high point with this second effort, returning the Pevensie children to the land of Narnia where they must help an exiled prince reclaim his throne.
Elf (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Will Ferrell stars as a human raised with the elves of Santa’s workshop, who gets a rude shock when he heads to New York City in search of his father. I’m not hugely fond of this film – it’s too broad and unfocused – but various relations delight in telling me how full of it I am.
Alone in the Dark (IFC, 10:30 PM EST)
I’m going to say it: this is Uwe Boll’s worst movie. Uwe Boll did not do any worse than this one. Ponder that upon the Tree of Woe.
Predator 2 (FMC, 10:00 PM EST)
This is better than Uwe Boll. Not great, but better.
The Usual Suspects (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EST)
On the other hand, you can just forgo the hair-splitting on other channels and tune in to Bryan Singer’s modern crime classic instead.
The Vampire Diaries and The Secret Circle are both reruns.
Friday
Chuck (NBC, 8:00 PM EST)
Chuck has to get help from Gertrude in wrapping up a complicated case with roots in his past. Zachary Levi directed the episode.
Grimm (NBC, 9:00 PM EST)
An arson investigation reveals an old family feud, which presumably has some supernatural origin. Swell.
Sanctuary (Syfy, 10:00 PM EST)
Katie Freelander is back with grim news about a new Hollow Earth plot and a possible connection to The Big Guy.
Frosty the Snowman and Frosty Returns (CBS, 8:00 PM EST and 8:30 PM EST)
CBS has given the evening over to animated holiday specials… though you’d do well to turn the channel after the classic Rankin-Bass Frosty and avoid the truly awful sequel (featuring John Goodman as the voice of Frosty) and the bevvy of sub-par cartoons that follow it.
Halloween H20 (AMC, 10:30 PM EST)
Calling this the best Halloween since the first isn’t saying much, but it was good enough to lure Jamie Lee Curtis back as Laurie Strode.
The Road Warrior (BBC America, 9:00 PM EST)
Mad Max returns in the cult classic that sets a new standard for high-end vehicular stunts.
Zombieland (FX, 10:00 PM EST)
Jesse Eisenberg headlines this well-regarded horror comedy about a decidedly unusual zombie apocalypse.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 (HBO, 9:00 PM EST)
The end begins here, as Harry and his friends go on the run following a takeover by the evil Lord Voldemort.
Piranha (Showtime, 8:00 PM EST)
Those damn prehistoric fish gobbling up… who? Wait, really? Go, little fishies!
Rubber (Showtime, 9:30 PM EST)
I won’t call this a great film, but considering it’s about a sentient tire who kills people with the power of telekinesis, I promise you’ve never seen anything like it.
The Green Hornet (Starz, 7:55 PM EST)
It sucks. That is all.
Fringe, Young Justice, Nikita and Supernatural are reruns this week.
Saturday
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (CBS, 8:00 PM EST)
CBS reruns the stop-motion classic – twice – tonight.
Primeval (BBC America, 9:00 PM EST)
The number of anomalies is growing, pushing the team to the breaking point to contain them.
Ice Quake (Syfy, 7:00 PM EST)
They have a trained chimp cranking out these titles, don’t they?
Snowmageddon (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Okay, they’ve really topped themselves here: it’s about an evil snow globe that wreaks havoc in the real world whenever anyone shakes it. Epic face palm.
Sunday
Once Upon a Time (ABC, 8:00 PM EST)
Someone in Storybrooke begins to remember the town’s fairy-tale past, even as a mysterious death overcomes a fellow resident.
Dexter (Showtime, 9:00 PM EST)
Dexter has a plan to catch the Doomsday Killers. It’s kind of freaky… and by “kind of” I mean “super.”
Stephen King’s Bag of Bones (A&E, 9:00 PM EST)
The King bestseller – about yet another writer experiencing yet another series of supernatural events – gets the miniseries treatment. See the top of the article for more.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (ABC, 9:00 PM EST)
Like most Tim Burton movies, there’s a lot to enjoy here, just as long as you can handle the lackadaisical story development and Johnny Depp’s off-putting performances as Willy Wonka.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest and At World’s End (Syfy, 4:30 PM EST and 7:30 PM EST)
Syfy airs the soggy middle entries in the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. Dead Man’s Chest is pretty terrific… or it would be if At World’s End didn’t screw it all up.
Cursed (IFC, 6:45 PM EST)
Christina Ricci can’t help this woebegone misfire from horror icon Wes Craven. Werewolves are involved, but that doesn’t change the Suckitude.
From Dusk Till Dawn (IFC, 8:45 PM EST)
“All right vampire killers, let’s kill some fucking vampires!”
The Walking Dead is on hiatus.
"I’m going to say it: this is Uwe Boll’s worst movie. Uwe Boll did not do any worse than this one."
Was this the only movie of his you've seen, Rob??? As bad as this was, I can't say it was worse than House of the Dead...