Passover starts this Friday night and Easter’s on Sunday. In the meantime, let’s see what’s on the tube to keep us occupied!
Being Human (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Sally gives Zoe some advice on her gift, while Aidan and Suren attempt to move forward with their lives.
Lost Girl (Syfy, 10:00 PM EST)
In an effort to aid the friend of a friend, Bo and Dyson pretend to be a married couple at an exclusive country club.
Seven (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EST)
David Fincher’s modern classic doesn’t get the premium cable treatment very often. Enjoy it in all its commercial-free glory.
Inception (HBO, 9:00 PM EST)
Speaking of brilliant films on premium cable…
Breaking In (Fox, 9:30 PM EST)
Wow this show has let me down this year… maybe they should have stopped last season after all. In any case, Oz has to fend off Molly’s unwelcome advances this week.
Taken (FX, 8:00 PM EST)
Dear bad guys: Liam Neeson is going to hurt you now. Don’t pretend there’s anything you can do about it, and try not to scream. It’s unmanly.
Signs (Syfy, 6:30 PM EST)
Logic holes and the whole Mel Gibson thing notwithstanding, this may have been M. Night Shyamalan’s last truly good movie.
The Village (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
This one, on the other hand, likely contains the precise moment where Shyamalan jumped the shark.
Ghost Hunters International (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
The Great White North gets a visit from the team, probing Winnipeg’s Fort Gary and Hell’s Gate in British Columbia.
Monster Man (Syfy, 10:00 PM EST)
The company is tasked to create spiders for a monster movie, while Constance heads up her own project.
Contact (AMC, 8:00 PM EST)
Though a little stodgy, this adaptation of Carl Sagan’s novel about first contact with an alien race is surprisingly smart in its approach.
Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (FMC, 7:00 PM EST)
This might not be the worst movie ever made, but it may very well crack the top ten: ugly and unpleasant in every conceivable way, without even the decency to show us the vaunted “hybrid” monster that presumably formed its reason for being.
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (IFC, 8:00 PM EST)
While it’s far from perfect, this 2002 adaptation succeeds in transposing Douglas Adams’
iconic classic to the big screen. Martin “Bilbo Baggins” Freeman stars as Arthur Dent.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer (IFC, 10:15 PM EST)
Joss Whedon poo-poos this movie precursor to his beloved television series – he claims it was compromised by the studio – but it’s a lot better than he gives it credit for.
The Big Bang Theory (CBS, 8:00 PM EST)
Sheldon has a chance to meet his idol Stephen Hawking. Ten will get you twenty he’s a giant douche about the whole thing.
A Nightmare on Elm Street (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EST)
One of these days, they’re going to show us the superior original instead of the cruddy remake.
X-Men: The Last Stand (FMC, 9:00 PM EST)
AKA Brett Ratner Ruins Everything.
Scream (Showtime, 8:00 PM EST)
Wes Craven’s well-regarded horror shake-up of the mid-90s really hates film lovers, doesn’t it?
Gothika and White Noise (Syfy, 7:00 PM EST and 9:00 PM EST)
Is it me, or did Syfy just run a double-bill of these less-than-immortal supernatural thrillers?
The Vampire Diaries and The Secret Circle are reruns.
Fringe (Fox, 9:00 PM EST)
We return to the alternate universe with Lincoln, searching for a vigilante who may be connected to the shape-shifters.
Grimm (NBC, 9:00 PM EST)
Grimm has officially been renewed, so fans can stop worrying. Instead, please enjoy tonight's new episode, featuring a romantic vacation for Nick and Juliette that takes a turn for the freaky.
Halloween H20: 20 Years Later (AMC, 8:00 PM EST)
This is pretty unremarkable, as Halloween movies go, save for the fact that it attracted Jamie Lee Curtis back to the role that made her a star.
The Shining (BBC America, 9:00 PM EST)
Sit back and watch as Jack Nicholson launches a thousand pop-culture catch phrases.
Green Lantern (HBO, 8:00 PM EST)
Ryan Reynolds should be a knockout as test pilot turned superhero Hal Jordan. The film just has nothing whatsoever to support him with.
Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life (Showtime, 8:00 PM EST)
I want to see a cage match to the death between this film's title and I Still Know What You Did Last Summer.
RED (Showtime, 10:00 PM EST)
Old people can apparently still kick some ass... even when they're crazy.
Nikita and Supernatural are reruns this week.
Being Human (BBC America, 9:00 PM EST)
Annie heads to purgatory for a glimpse of the future while Tom gets some important tips from Cutler.
The Ten Commandments (ABC, 7:00 PM EST)
ABC celebrates Passover with the massive three-plus-hour story of Exodus. Fuck not with Charlton Heston, for yea verily, he doth sport an awesome beard.
The Smurfs (Starz, 9:00 PM EST)
Why O why did people go see this? For the love of God, they're going to make a sequel!!!
Van Helsing (TNT, 8:00 PM EST)
And things don't get much better on TNT.
The Matrix: Reloaded and The Matrix Revolutions (Syfy, 6:00 PM EST and 9:00 PM EST)
For those of you who want The Matrix without any actual good Matrix films.
The Road Warrior (BBC America, 10:15 PM EST)
From the white-hot summer of 1982 comes the definitive post-apocalyptic smash up.
Transformers (Cartoon, 6:00 PM EST)
The fact that this isn't actually a cartoon wouldn't be so bothersome were it not for the fact that an actual cartoon Transformers movie does exist and could have been screened on Cartoon Network instead.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (FX, 8:00 EST)
This one blows dead bunnies, but at least it’s on a thematically appropriate station.
Beastly (Showtime, 8:00 PM EST)
Showtime delivers an Alex Pettyfer double feature for reasons we cannot comprehend. They begin with this much maligned modern retelling of Beauty and the Beast.
I Am Number Four (Showtime, 9:30 PM EST)
The evening concludes with this unremarkable adaptation of the young adult science fiction novel. Watch for Kevin J. Durand to rock the house as the villain of the piece.
On an unrelated note, TCM is running two Rita Hayworth classics -- Gilda at 8:00 PM EST and The Lady from Shanghai at 10:00 PM EST. Va-va-va-voom!
Game of Thrones (HBO, 9:00 PM EST)
Tyrion flexes his muscles as the Hand of the King, while Devos seeks out a naval fleet to strengthen his hand.
Priest (Starz, 9:00 PM EST)
Not exactly a classic, but better than its reputation suggests... especially if you lower your expectations.
I, Robot (FX, 8:00 PM EST)
Any resemblance to actual Isaac Asimov is entirely coincidental.
Elektra (Syfy, 7:00 PM EST)
Even Jennifer Garner wants you to avoid this one.
Blade II (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
This one, on the other hand, officially rocks the house.
300 (TNT, 8:00 PM EST)
No one bellows incoherently like Gerard Butler.
Man in Black II (TNT, 10:30 PM EST)
Proof that just because you put a talking pug in a movie doesn't mean it's going to be any good.
Once Upon a Time is a rerun this week.