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TV Wasteland: Springtime Wasteland
A quiet week ushers out May
By Rob Vaux
May 21, 2012
Showtime kicks it old school with this brilliant revisionist fairy tale from 1981, Dragonslayer
© Paramount Pictures
The end of May sees a lot of movies and only a few regular series still running. Let’s take a look at what the boob tube has brewing for us.
Eureka (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
To the surprise of absolutely no one, an emergency drill at Global Dynamics turns into an actual emergency. Geh.
Lost Girl (Syfy, 10:00 PM EST)
A tagger is revealing Fae secrets to the world, prompting a visit from Bo who wants some of the information he carries.
X2: X-Men United (Cinemax, 7:45 PM EST)
As we contemplate this superhero-rich summer, it’s nice to look back on some of the terrific films that got us here…
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EST)
…as well as the fetid turds crapped out along the way.
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (FMC, 8:00 PM EST)
As I was saying…
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2 (HBO, 9:00 PM EST)
Mr. Potter faces his destiny in the rousing conclusion to the eight-film cycle.
Fact or Faked: Paranomal Files (Syfy, 9:0 PM EST)
We’re checking out an Ohio gas station for signs of supernatural activity. In other words, we’ve touched bottom.
Sanctum (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EST)
James Cameron loves him those underwater cameras, doesn’t he?
Star Trek (FX, 8:00 PM EST)
I’m not sure the sequel can meet the expectations set by this terrific reboot of the sci-fi staple.
X-Men: First Class (HBO, 6:45 PM EST)
James McAvoy is so awesome as Professor X that we’ll forgive the fact that he still has a full head of hair.
Fight Club (IFC, 8:00 PM EST)
Remind me never to shop at IKEA again. Like ever.
Blue Velvet (Sundance, 8:00 PM EST)
Dennis Hopper politely requests that you no longer look at him.
Terminator 2: Judgment Day (Cinemax, 7:45 PM EST)
Schwarzenegger is in top form as the deadly killer cyborg with a heart of gold.
Your Highness (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EST)
Oh Cinemax, why do you punish us with such stinky movies?
X-Men Origins: Wolverine (FX, 8:00 PM EST)
There’s a little bit less Ryan Reynolds here, since the cookie is the “Wolvie goes to Japan” one.
Valhalla Rising (IFC, 8:00 PM EST)
Mads Mikkelsen stars as a Viking in the New World. Damn, he’s a big man.
Source Code (Showtime, 8:00 PM EST)
Director Duncan Jones displays a real flair for intelligent sci-fi, first with Moon and then with this awesome time travel twister.
Dragonslayer (Showtime, 9:35 PM EST)
Showtime kicks it old school with this brilliant revisionist fairy tale from 1981.
TRON: Legacy (Starz, 6:50 PM EST)
The dude abides… and builds megalomaniacal clones of himself, apparently.
Priest (Starz, 9:00 PM EST)
It’ll do for government work, but that never-seen director’s cut still haunts me.
Hellboy (Starz, 10:35 PM EST)
Nobody make red latex make-up look as good as Ron Perlman.
Men in Black (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EST)
In case the third film blows dead monkeys, you can remind yourself how much fun the first one was tonight.
Pirates of the Caribbean: on Stranger Tides (Starz, 6:42 PM EST)
I admit that Penelope Cruz stinks like three-day old bait, but the rest of the film is far more rousing than its critics give it credit for.
White Noise (Syfy, 7:00 PM EST)
Michael Keaton loses his mojo for good in a woebegone vehicle about ghosts talking to us through static.
One Missed Call (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Don’t get your hopes up: it’s the crappy American version, not the awesome Japanese version.
The Big Bang Theory and The Vampire Diaries are reruns this week.
Insane or Inspired? (Syfy, 10:00 PM EST)
Syfy premieres yet another of its inane realty shows, this one covering 25 “Homebrewed Superheroes.” We’ll start the cancellation clock… now.
Ice Age 2: The Meltdown (FMC, 9:00 PM EST)
They pushed this franchise way, way further than it had the strength to go.
Avatar (FX, 6:30 PM EST)
Now with commercials… because it just wasn’t long enough!
Alien 3 (IFC, 8:00 PM EST)
We cannot stress this enough Hollywood: please try to begin your productions with a finished script.
Saw II (IFC, 10:30 PM EST)
Speaking of franchises going downhill in a hurry… wow.
Scream (Showtime, 8:00 PM EST)
Wes Craven defined 90s horror with this smash hit… and to this day, I still can’t figure out why.
Scream 4 (Showtime, 10:00 PM EST)
Not that the limp fourth entry in the series does anything to alleviate the conundrum.
Grimm, Supernatural and Nikita are reruns.
Planet 51 (Cartoon, 7:00 PM EST)
Cartoon Network uncorks a truly awful animated feature about an astronaut who lands on an alien planet and finds himself the target of mass hysteria.
Kung Fu Panda 2 (HBO, 8:00 PM EST)
It looks good, but so what?
Robin Hood (HBO, 10:00 PM EST)
Russell Crowe and Cate Blanchett thoroughly enjoy themselves in an unusual prequel to the classic legend.
The Last Legion (IFC, 8:00 PM EST)
Considering that it boasts a cast of Oscar winners and entails the legendary rise of King Arthur, this really kind of blows.
Lake Placid 3 (Syfy, 7:00 PM EST)
No Betty White, No Cloris Leachman, no cookie for you Syfy.
Super Shark (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Please tell me the shark flies around in a red cape with a big “S” on his chest. No? Darn…
Game of Thrones (HBO, 9:00 PM EST)
Anyone else seen that YouTube clip where Tyrion slaps the taste out of Joffrey’s mouth over and over again? Man, that’s sweet. Anyhow, Stannis’ fleet attacks King’s Landing this week. Enjoy!
Planet of the Apes (FMC, 7:00 PM EST)
It’s the Tim Burton version, in case you want to remind yourself that he fucked up well before Dark Shadows hit theaters.
Hancock (FX, 8:00 PM EST)
Peter Berg does much better than he did with the horrid Battleship here, in an interesting tale about a real jerk of a superhero.
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (Syfy, 8:00 PM EST)
A little Indy is always welcome on a Sunday night.
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (USA, 8:30 PM EST)
Look me in the eye and tell me the sequel won’t suck.
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (Cinemax, 8:00 PM EST)
No snarking here, just all our hopes that missing actor Nick Stahl will come back safe and sound.