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hanso 1/30/2012 3:00:25 PM

 I'm bored so I'm reviwing Once Upon A Time.  Here it goes, as I remember it.  Be warned, the sequence of events may be out of order.

 

Show starts at Granny's diner where Mr.Glass (the mirror in fairytaleworld or FTW from here on out) arrives drunk to get Emma to join him in showing the people of Storybrooke who Regina really is.  Convo went like this:

Glass:  "Yo Emma, I hate that Regina b.it.ch, let's get her!"

Emma: "No, I don't trust you, you work for her and you are wasted."

Glass:"  Oh come on, trust me.  I'm drunk and I really hate Regina.  You gotta BElieve me!  Here's my card, call me when you are up to it".

Emma: "Look I said No.  But give your card anyways because when I said "no" I really meant "yes".  We all know that for purposes of this episode I will join you at a later time."

Glass: "Great, call me at around the 15 minute mark."

Then we flashback to the FTW where we spot Mr.Glass sporting some ridiculous clothes and a matching mustache to go with it.  He is living inside a genie lamp, turns out Glass is a genie but not just any genie.  Glass is apparently is Aladdin's genie.  We know this because he is from Agrabah, we can't be for certain that he is in fact Aladdin's genie because Glass isn't blue nor does he burst into song at moment during the episode.

Anyway, the lamp gets picked up by King Leopold and this is what happens next:

King rubs lamp.  Out pops Glass.

Glass:  "Yo, I'm the genie of the lamp.  You got 3 wishes and you can't wish for love, death, or more wishes.  Oh and just in case it hasn't been repeated in previous episodes, magic comes at a price"  

King:  Lol you silly little man.  I'm the KING, I don't need nothing, I got hoes in different area codes.  To prove I don't need nothing, my first wish is for you to be free.

Glass:  AWESOME!

King:  My second wish is for you  to have my third wish.

Glass:  That's nice and all but I've granted over 1000 wishes and each of them ends badly.  I'm just going to safe that wish for an opportune time later in the episode."

King: It ends badly? For fu.ck's sake man, I just made two wishes!

Glass:  Yup, you're screwed.

King:  What will you do with your freedom?

Glass:  What any man does after being incarcerated.  I'm gonna find a hoe to tap.

King:  If it's hoes you seek I got plenty back at the party castle.  Join me.

Glass:  Word.

End scene.  Stay tuned for more.

hanso 1/30/2012 3:16:33 PM

 Back in the real world, Emma and Snow White are talking when Snow receives a text that says "Come quick, meet me at our spot".  Our spot turns out to be the Troll bridge, the person who sent the text was Prince Charming.  The reason why Charming called Snow to the bridge was to take her to spot where he had a nice picnic set up.  It was also the spot where adultury was going down after Charming banged Snow.  Stay classy Charming.

Emma goes to Henry's playground castle which was wrecked by the storm.  Henry hides his fairy tale book there so his mom won't find it.  After a brief convo between them, Regina shows up for the weekly Regina/Emma stare down.  Bla bla bla, they leave.  Cut to FTW.

The King and Glass show up at his castle where his daugher Snow and wife Evil Queen are.  Glass is introduced to both of them and immediately Glass has found the hoe he wants to tap.  The Queen of course.  Then the party commences and the King says nice things to his daughter only the hurt the Queen's feelings.  Glass notices this and tells the Queen she's awesome.  Queen now sets her plan in motion.

Real world:

Henry's playground gets destroyed by Regina.  This doesn't sit well with Emma so you guessed it she calls Mr. Glass.

Emma:  Glass, it's on like donkey kong bit.ch.

Glass:  Great, meet me and let's talk about it.

They meet.

Emma:  Watchu got?

Glass:  Regina stole $50,000!

Emma:  Can you prove it?

Glass:  Of course not!  But we got 40 mins of episode time to do so.  Let's follow her around.

Emma:  That makes no sense but lets do it.

They follow Regina, don't find anything.

Emma:  We haven't found sh.it.

Glass:  Lets break into her house to look and bug her place.

Emma:  Evidence we find like that will be dismissed in a court of law.

Glass:  So?

Emma:  Good point.  Let's do it.

They break in and find blue prints for someting out in the middle of nowhere.  This shows up later, now back to FTW.

 

 

hanso 1/30/2012 3:26:56 PM

 FTW:

The Queen's plan involved leaving her diary so the King would read it.  The King reads it and learns that the Queen's heart belongs to a man that gave her a mirror.  The King is pissed so he gives his most trusted servant the task of finding the man.  By most trusted servant we actually mean Mr. Glass, the guy the KIng has known for a grand total of 48 hours.  Problem is the man that gave the mirror to the Queen was Glass, so good luck with finding out who did it King!

Anyway, later the Queen's dad shows up with a box that contained an Agraba snake with two heads.  He tells Glass to give to the Queen.  Glass does so.  The Queen is unhappy so she will kill herself by letting the snakes do the job.  Glass hasn't tapped that ass yet, so he don't allow it.  Has a better idea, kill the King using the snakes.  Nice plan Glass.  Use the snake from your hometown when you are the lone stranger in the castle, to kill the king.  Yeah no one will suspect you buddy.  Glass follows through with his master plan and kills the king.

King:  I shouldn't have made that wish.

Glass:  Told you, you were screwed son.

Glass goes back to Regina to tell her it's done.  Regina tells him that the guards suspect him and are coming to kill him.  Oh no, he's been tricked by Regina who planned it all along.  

Glass:  You used me!

Regina:  you got played bit.ch!

Glass:  joke's on you, i will use my final wish (told u it was coming into play later) and wish that i will always look upon your face.

You can guess what happens next, but I'll tell you anywayz.  Glass becomes the "magic mirror" and will always be with her.

Regina:  LOL you fool, you are a genie and can't phrase a wish correctly?  You suck! Hahaha now you my bit.ch forever.

hanso 1/30/2012 3:33:36 PM

 Back in the real world:

Regina is having a townhall meeting with the good people of Storybrooke when Emma and Glass spoil the fun by accusing Regina of stealing $50,000.

Emma:  The mayor stole $50,000 to build herself a 2nd home in the middle of nowhere.  Ha, I've got you now Regina.

Regina:  Yes, its true. I stole the money.  Here me agian people, I STOLE the money.  But I used it to build a playground so it's all good.

The townspeople:  She stole the money to build a playground?  Well how sweet is that.  That's totally awesome and we do not mind our mayor stealing money cause it's for a good cause.  Hooray for mayor!

Emma's plan is dead and she looks like an idiot for pointing out the facts to the people of Storybrooke.

Cut to end of episode, which shows Regina and Glass planned the whole thing so Glass could gain Emma's trust.  Regina touches Glass in the leg which causes Glass to have a massive erection and probably come in his pants.

Oh and not mentioned prior to this but Henry's Fairytale book had gone missing and was found by the "Stranger".  My guess is the Stranger is related to the Grimm family.  

The end.

trollman 1/31/2012 6:47:56 AM

FOOTBALL IS STUPID and the SUPERBOWL SUX Ballz

millean 1/31/2012 7:58:38 AM

I have to express my condolences to Joe Oesterle.  Sorry man, but I think I just found an episode reviewer that I like more than you.

 

About the episode... when Regina fessed up to the $50k playground, I just thought she reallocated city funds as part of her job as the mayor.  However, now that I think about it, Hanso is right because I don't think a mayor can just reallocate a chunk of change like that on her own without getting approval from a committee or something.

As for Snow, I have never liked that ho from the get go.

But the most inexplicable travesty that happened in the episode... how the hell do you have a scene at the bar without giving Red some screen time?  She ain't gotta speak, she can just be some background scenery or something.  ;)

 

 

monkeyfoot 1/31/2012 8:14:11 AM

Hobbs, I saw Touch and it was excellent! It was such a well written and executed show. It had so many connections running through it and all of it done with heart & soul. It must take twice as long to write than your average TV episode. Hopefully, it will keep up this quality when it starts airing regularly.

Hanso, we need a TV or movie review from you every week!

karas1 1/31/2012 3:07:04 PM

Trollman, it's scary how alike we seem to be.

karas1 2/1/2012 6:09:56 AM

Ok, I have now seen Sunday's episode or Once Upon A Time on demand (missed it on Sunday) and have read Hanso's "review".  It's a really cute recap of the plot but an actual review should contain more.  Now that you've told us what happened, tell us what you think it means.   Give us your opinion of the writing, acting, etc.

He's not quite ready to replace Joe just yet.

My biggest observation about the episode is...

Damn!  Regina got that playground built fast!  One day it's a patch of forrest, the next it's a fully built playground, swarming with children.  I know it was only the next day because Emma was just then telling Henry that she couldn't see him any more.  You'd think that if it took, say, six months to build the playground then Henry would already know.  It's almost like Regina used... magic!

I also thought the genie was an idiot.  He knew what kind of snake was in the box BEFORE he used it to kill the king.  Afterwards he expressed surprise that that particurlar snake implicated him in any way.  Well, I guess centuries stuck in a lamp will dull your critical thinking skills.

Wiseguy 2/1/2012 3:59:39 PM

LOL just lol Karas you made me laugh.

I'm thinking about catching up with this series now that football is over, worth it or not?

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