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TV Wasteland: Too Darn Hot
Another quiet week on the Wasteland.
By Rob Vaux
July 29, 2013
Everyone go see The Wolverine. Then set your DVRs for the shows and movies below.
Under the Dome (CBS, 10:00 PM EDT)
It’s call “The Endless Thirst” and that’s all we know. Hmm… water supply problems?
Teen Wolf (MTV, 10:00 PM EDT)
Allison starts to worry that someone close to her may be doing something bad in specific, yet spoiler-free ways.
The Prestige (Syfy, 7:30 PM EDT)
Christopher Nolan scores his best film to date in a tale of rival magicians whose efforts to outdo each other lead them down dark and possibly damning paths. Hugh Jackman and Christian Bale star.
WALL-E (Disney, 8:00 PM EDT)
Perhaps Pixar’s finest moment: the whimsical, touching and quietly unsettling story of a robot left behind after pollution destroys the planet.
The Island (Cinemax, 7:45 PM EDT)
It is to date Michal Bay’s only flat-out flop… which is ironic because it’s pretty good if you can get past the whole “naked rip-off of an old MST 3K episode” thing.
The Simpsons Movie (FXM, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
Surprisingly enough, it actually doesn’t suck.
Avatar (FX, 8:00 PM EDT)
Enjoy your blue cat people. Now with commercials, which means it won’t get done until midnight!
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (IFC, 6:00 PM EDT and 9:45 PM EDT)
You know IFC, they made two more of these. You may want to look into airing them once in a while.
The Bourne Supremacy (Starz, 10:00 PM EDT)
This is Part 2, which means that Matt Damon is still kicking ass like clockwork.
Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (Disney XD, 8:30 PM EDT)
We really had no idea what we were in for, did we?
Heat (Cinemax, 7:05 PM EDT)
The greatest game of cops and robbers ever played. Period. Full stop.
Scarface (IFC, 8:00 PM EDT)
You really have to see it to believe it. In the exact opposite way as Heat.
Futurama (Comedy, 10:00 PM EDT)
Bender loses his ass and can’t for the world remember where he left it. Yes, really.
Paranormal Witness (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
This week’s episode involves a mad slasher in the mountains of Appalachia. Woot.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest (Disney XD, 8:30 PM EDT)
The first Pirates sequel suffers from an excess of excess, but still proves to be loads of fun.
Shrek Forever After (FXM, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
It’s an ending. That’s enough.
Iron Man 2 (FX, 7:30 PM EDT)
Glad they got that out of their system. Repeats on Thursday at 6:30 PM EDT.
GoldenEye (BBC America, 8:00 PM EDT)
Pierce Brosnan made his first outing as James Bond a ripping one. Sadly, he could never quite recapture that vibe.
Meet the Robinsons (Disney, 8:00 PM EDT)
An entertaining affair about a family from the future and the present-day boy they latch on to. It dearly needs to take its Ritalin, but its heart is in the right place.
House of 1000 Corpses (IFC, 8:00 PM EDT)
Rob Zombie’s feature debut is ugly and unpleasant when it should be thrilling and unsettling.
The Hills Have Eyes II (IFC, 10:00 PM EDT)
It’s exactly what you’d expect considering that title.
I am skipping Joe Rogan Questions Everything because it’s just too sleazy.
Burn Notice (USA, 9:00 PM EDT)
It’s called “Nature of the Beast” and that’s all we got.
Wilfred (FX, 10:00 PM EDT)
And… Ryan’s back in therapy. Small wonder since his dog talks to him.
Stargate SG-1 (Syfy, 8:00 AM EDT)
Syfy is running a marathon of the hit TV series all day. It was a good show, definitely worth another look.
Ted (HBO, 9:00 PM EDT)
Everyone keeps telling me it’s great. I keep refuting it. Damn you. Damn you all…
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (Disney XD, 9:00 PM EDT)
The series hits its palpable low point. I don’t think even Gore Verbinski can tell us what’s supposed to be going on here.
The Happening (FXM, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
I think Shyamalan hits rock bottom here. Even After Earth was better.
The Green Mile (IFC, 8:00 PM EDT)
Frank Darabont really knows how to adapt Stephen King, even if said adaption is a little flabby in this case.
Journey to the Center of the Earth (TNT, 9:00 PM EDT)
Whether Brendan Fraser can recover from this awful theme-park ride of a movie has yet to be seen. I hope he can. I really, really do.
Continuum (Syfy, 10:00 PM EDT)
Julien gets shot at, but Alec’s mother takes the hit. And we’re guessing that’s not a good thing.
Wrath of the Titans (Cinemax, 8:15 PM EDT)
“A” for effort guys, but this thing was doomed from the moment of conception.
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (BBC America, 9:00 PM EDT)
Somebody needs to get Sean Connery to do another movie. Any movie. He can’t go out on… on… this!
Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa (FXM, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
It’s not bad, but Part 3 ate its lunch.
Crank 2: High Voltage (IFC, 8:00 PM EDT)
Why do I love it that this movie hates us so much?
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (TNT, 8:00 PM EDT)
One of the few films that justifies every bit of hype surrounding it.
Sinbad (Syfy, 6:00 PM EDT)
Syfy is running five episodes all night: leading to the series finale. Guess it wasn’t such a magical voyage after all.
Being Human (BBC America, 10:00 PM EDT)
Rook shows up, asking for a favor, which will probably end in tears and hurt feelings before it’s all over.
Zero Hour (ABC, 8:00 PM EDT)
They’re finally putting this series out of its misery with a two-hour finale. No word on whether it ends on a cliffhanger or not.
Rise of the Guardians (HBO, 8:00 PM EDT)
They really should have done a better job marketing this fairy tale fable. It’s quite lovely and yet the ads just bungled the whole thing.
Planet 51 (Cartoon, 7:00 PM EDT)
An utterly forgettable exercise about an astronaut who lands on an alien planet and has to play the role of Roswell refugee.
Volcano (Cienmax, 7:15 PM EDT)
Remember when Anne Heche was a thing?
Do No Harm (NBC, 10:00 PM EDT)
Ruben sends a gang of thugs for Ian’s spinal fluid, but as usual, there’s a twist.
The Legend of Zorro (AMC, 7:00 PM EDT)
Wow, was this sequel unnecessary. And stupid. And unnecessarily stupid.
The Quick and the Dead (AMC, 10:00 PM EDT)
If you don’t see the humor in a man staring at sunlight streaming through the bullet hole in his chest, this fantastic Western mash-up isn’t going to bother explaining it to you.
Hot Tub Time Machine (Comedy, 6:43 PM EDT)
Not the worst film you can see this evening, believe me. Please allow me to demonstrate…
Your Highness (Comedy, 9:00 PM EDT)
I may never forgive Danny McBride for this. Repeats on Sunday at 9:00 PM EDT)
The Da Vinci Code (FXM, 8:00 PM EDT)
You know, Dan Brown just doesn’t know how to write…
Snow White and the Huntsman (HBO, 9:45 PM EDT)
And the hits just keep on coming…
The Darkest Hour (Showtime, 7:30 PM EDT)
We need more horror movies set in Russia. Just not this one.
Poseidon (IFC, 8:00 PM EDT)
Not the worst remake of all time, but definitely one of the most unnecessary. It reruns on Sunday at 6:30 PM EDT
Cabin Fever (IFC, 10:00 PM EDT)
The film that launched Eli Roth’s career is just as smug and hateful as the rest of his films.
Spider-Man 3 (FX, 10:00 PM EDT)
Okay, I admit it: the reboot was better.
13 Going on 30 (MTV, 7:00 PM EDT)
Hardly original, but that Jennifer Garner is a cutie, isn’t she?
The Odd Life of Timothy Green (Starz, 9:00 PM EDT)
Okay, this one is pushing it Jen…
Hotel Transylvania (Starz, 7:20 PM EDT)
Adam Sandler, on the other hand, gets a narrow pass here.
The Dark Knight (TNT, 8:00 PM EDT)
Best to end the night on a high note (though TCM is playing Lawrence of Arabia at 8:00 PM EDT, and if you haven’t seen it, you’d better clear some time…)
True Blood (HBO, 9:00 PM EDT)
Erik has a plan here right? He’s gotta have a plan! Also, Sookie sees about getting her old boyfriend and new boyfriend to not destroy the world. I think.
Dexter (Showtime, 9:00 PM EDT)
Dexter’s on the lookout for his next lucky victim, and spies on a young kid who just might fit the bill.
Falling Skies (TNT, 10:00 PM EDT)
The season ends with the 2nd Mass attacking a vital base. Well done Falling Skies! We’ll see you again next year!
Lake Placid 2 and Lake Placid 3 (Syfy, 7:00 PM EDT and 9:00 PM EDT)
Not worth a look. I’m mentioning them just to be thorough.
A Knight’s Tale (BBC America, 7:00 PM EDT)
A toast of grog to Heath Ledger, who left too soon. We miss ya Heath!
Assault on Precinct 13 (Cinemax, 6:45 PM EDT)
It’s the remake… which actually turns out to be rather awesome.
Max Payne (FXM, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
No awesome here, even with Marky Mark.
Rio (FX, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
Cute, but a little too glib… especially for a movie about parrots.
The Exorcism of Emily Rose (IFC, 8:30 PM EDT)
Okay, there is officially only one movie that’s allowed to reference an exorcism in the title.
Independence Day (TNT, 6:30 PM EDT)
Who knew Randy Quaid would be even crazier in real life?