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TV Wasteland: Wesley, Felicia Day, and Some Cat Named Cage
Guest stars hit the Wasteland
By Rob Vaux
April 22, 2012
This week’s highlights include a Guild mistress on Supernatural, a TNG veteran on The Big Bang Theory and too much Nicolas Cage for comfort. Let’s get to it!
Eureka (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Kevin is building a device to search for the lost Astraeus crew, but he needs a specific part… and Carter and Andy get into hot water trying to score it for him.
Lost Girl (Syfy, 10:00 PM EST)
Bo receives an unwelcome surprise during a stag hunt to decide the next Ash.
I, Robot (FMC, 8:00 PM EST)
Watch it! Cable TV demands it! It won’t bring back any other movies until every human being on the planet has sat through this one at least five times!!!
Open Water (IFC, 8:00 PM EST)
Right, bad things happen to good people. Thank you, post-9/11 nihilism. Now run along.
Teeth (IFC, 9:45 PM EST)
Careful. They’re sharp.
Fact of Faked: Paranormal Files (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Reality shows really need to stay away from New Jersey, even if there’s a haunted theater there. Bodega Bay, on the other hand…
Jumanji (ABC Family, 6:30 PM EST)
Rampant Robin Williams aside, it’s actually better than its reputation suggests.
The Day After Tomorrow (FMC, 8:00 PM EST)
In the coming apocalypse we’ll use tax codes to keep ourselves warm. Roland Emmerich says so, and his word is law.
Monty Python’s The Life of Brian (IFC, 8:00 PM EST)
There are a number of bushes in this classic religious satire from the Pythons. Some burn more figuratively than literally.
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (IFC, 10:00 PM EST)
Alan Rickman really can do no wrong, can he?
Ghost Hunters (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
A haunted Pennsylvania brewery puts the team in high spirits. Get it? Because spirits also refers to… right, I’ll just wait in the corner for my beating.
Blackout (Syfy, 10:00 PM EST)
I’ll mention this new series – in which contestants face their greatest fears for fabulous prizes – only once as a way of further demonstrating why I dislike Syfy. May its name never darken this column again.
Ghost Rider (FX, 8:00 PM EST)
AKA The One That Sucked Marginally Less Than Part II.
1408 (FX, 10:30 PM EST)
Stephen King’s story of a haunted hotel room starts out so promisingly, then slowly loses its way when it runs out of scary things to do.
The Big Bang Theory (CBS, 8:00 PM EST)
Wil Wheaton returns for Howard’s bachelor party, which goes wrong and threatens to completely derail the wedding.
The Vampire Diaries (The CW, 8:00 PM EST)
A dance with a Roaring Twenties theme earns scathing criticism from certain attendees who were actually alive in the 1920s. Also, Klaus mucks with Tyler’s schemes for some reason or another.
The Secret Circle (The CW, 9:00 PM EST)
A sacred crystal goes missing and all signs point to a traitor within the coven. Let the furtive gazes and muttered accusations begin!
Alien: The Director’s Cut (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EST)
He’s doing a prequel people! Get pumped!
Kill Bill, Vols. 1 and 2 (IFC, 8:00 PM EST and 10:15 PM EST)
It goes until well after 1:00 AM, so put on your late night party clothes if you intend to watch it.
Syfy is running a Grimm marathon starting at 6:00 PM EST for those who want to catch up.
Fringe (Fox, 9:00 PM EST)
The team joins with their counterparts in the alternate universe to battle a common threat.
Grimm (NBC, 9:00 PM EST)
Construction crews often find themselves at odds with the non-human world, a fact that comes to a head when one of them dies under mysterious circumstances.
Nikita (The CW, 8:00 PM EST)
Percy puts the hurt on Birkhoff after an audacious plan goes wrong, and Nikita needs to set things in order before Division steps in.
Supernatural (The CW, 9:00 PM EST)
Fanboy favorite Felicia Day guest stars as a hacker in an episode entitled “The Girl with the Dungeons & Dragons Tattoo.” Best. Name. Ever.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest (ABC Family, 8:00 PM EST)
The second Pirates movie may actually be the best of the lot, though it’s awfully dark and the plot is just a little too Byzantine for its own good.
Sanctum (Cinemax, 9:10 PM EST)
Producer James Cameron’s obsession with underwater filming has seen better outlets than this soggy tale of explorers trapped in a cave-in.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (IFC, 8:00 PM EST and 10:00 PM EST)
Again with the chainsaws, IFC… this is getting old.
Beastly (Showtime, 7:45 PM EST)
Alex Pettyfer stars in a poorly regarded revamp of the Beauty and the Beast story. The make-up is pretty awesome though.
Drive Angry (Showtime, 9:15 PM EST)
Where would great bad movies be if Nicolas Cage had never gotten into debt?
Blade: Trinity (TNT, 9:00 PM EST)
Good cast. Wish they had a movie worthy of their efforts.
Alien Tornado (Syfy, 7:00 PM EST)
Syfy is rerunning this turkey from last week in order to allow maximum exposure to The Suck.
Space Twister (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Yeah, it’s horrifying. Want to know what’s worse? Apparently, a kid’s science project saves the universe. Really.
Alice in Wonderland (ABC Family, 9:00 PM EST)
It works best as a series of beautiful Alice illustrations rather than an actual movie.
The Shining (BBC America, 8:00 PM EST)
They don’t get much more revered than Stanley Kubrick’s adaptation of the great Stephen King novel.
Seven (Cinemax, 7:45 PM EST)
Mmmmm…. Fincher’s masterpiece on premium cable…
From Dusk till Dawn (IFC, 8:00 PM EST)
IFC has gotten awfully damn repetitive lately.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer (IFC, 10:15 PM EST)
Case in point…
Once Upon a Time (ABC, 8:00 PM EST)
Emma finally learns how to beat Regina and take custody of Henry, even as Regina plots to ruin Mary-Margaret’s romance.
Iron Man (FX, 6:00 PM EST)
We’re getting close to The Avengers. Can’t go too long without popping one of its numerous precursors on the schedule.
X-Men Origins: Wolverine (FX, 9:00 PM EST)
With the new Wolverine movie apparently a go, FX is trotting out the old one for another look.
Predators (HBO, 7:05 PM EST)
Adrien Brody takes on the ubiquitous space iguanas on their own turf in one of the most enjoyable popcorn flicks of the last few years.
Raiders of the Lost Ark (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
After ignoring this one during their Indiana Jones marathon a few weeks ago, Syfy finally decides to put things right. One of the very best movies ever made, and always worth another look.