Based on Actual Television Shows
Greetings Cinescapers! Last week reader, and sometimes contributor, Aaron Thall wanted to know "What is the worst show on TV?" Well a lot of you wrote in, and while not all the shows are currently running, we've included the lot in order of the number of votes. Read and weep, particularly if you are a fan of a certain STAR TREK franchise.
So there you have it, the worst shows on, or off, TV. Please complain away at TVWasteland@cinescape.com.
After weeks of Dean Martin obliterating the likes of Justin Timberlake and Ghidrah, the three-headed monster, we finally decided to give this whole CELEBRITY DEATH MATCH thing a rest, but not before Dino went head to head with Jerry Lewis as Buddy Love.
Well the results are in and "Dino cracks Lewis' spine and waters his lawn with Mr. Love's blood. Then before the body goes cold, Dino sucks out Jerry's eyeballs and eats them like they were mama's homemade meatballs," as per one very disturbed, in-need-of-serious-help reader put it.
And so Dean Martin's reign is supreme, the undefeatable champion of the Wasteland.
Reruns are starting to overrun us again so look below for the past masters we recommend.
MONDAY, MAY 31
AIR BUD (8 pm, Family) An angry clown abandons the Michael Jordon of golden retrievers.
DANNY PHANTOM (8 pm, NIK) 1) Danny chills with daddy's rival Vlad Plasmius 2) Danny knocks daddy's gift into the ghost zone. It's a double dose of Danny done daddy wrong. (Repeat)
ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK (9:20 pm, IFC) The year is 1997 and Manhattan has become a maximum security prison. Guess I missed when that happened.
CSI: MIAMI (10 pm, CBS) Robbers steal $2.3 million in counterfeit money from an armored truck sporting the words "Parker Brothers" and "Monopoly" on the side. The criminals go directly to Jail, without passing go. (Repeat)
TUESDAY, JUNE 1
COMING TO AMERICA (8 pm, FAM) Remember when the world thought Arsenio Hall would be a star? Watch the man in his finest hour.
SUMMERLAND (8 pm, WB) Remember that girl who played John Stamos' love interest in FULL HOUSE? No? Well, whatever, she's got her own show now.
CONAN THE DESTROYER (8 pm, AMC) An American Movie Classic.
THE SHIELD (10 pm, FX) When Claudette tries to make peace with the decoy squad she inadvertently makes piece with the real squad instead.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 2
THE MOST OUTRAGEOUS GAME SHOW MOMENTS 5 (8 pm, NBC) If you have nothing else to do tonight, might I suggest this.
STAR TREK VI: THE UNDISCOVERED COUNTRY (8 pm, SPIKETV) Klingon-Federation peace talks are sabotaged and it's up to Kirk and the rest of the Mystery Machine crew to solve the case. Rykes.
WINCHESTER '73 (8 pm, AMC) James Stewart has to kill his own brother in this classic western directed by Anthony "Sergio Leone probably learned a thing or fifty from me" Mann.
ENTERPRISE (8 pm, UPN) 1) The crew has to face yet another of those deadly, humanity threatening life forces. 2) The crew has to face yet another situation in which the Enterprise is crippled, yet not cancelled. (Repeats)
THURSDAY, JUNE 3
JOAN OF ARCADIA (8 pm, CBS) When her parents go out of town, God tells Joan to party down. (Repeat)
CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (9 pm, CBS) After a grocery story robbery a series of homicide's occur, exposing what some people will do for a Klondike bar. (Repeat)
WITHOUT A TRACE (10 pm, CBS) A motivational speaker disappears, the team would look for him but they're just not motivated. Ironic, don't you think. (Repeat)
FRIDAY, JUNE 4
JOAN OF ARCADIA (8 pm, CBS) Joan reams God out for making her debate partner a person with a stutter. In response God smites Joan. (Repeat)
MANHUNTER (8 pm, AMC) The first film to feature Hannibal Lecter (here spelled Lecktor) is the only one to feature actor Brian Cox in the role. Remade as RED DRAGON in 2002.
THE NIGHT OF THE IGUANA (10 pm, TCM) A former clergyman is tempted by three temptresses; lucky devil. Directed by John Huston from a Tennessee Williams play so it must be art.
STARGATE SG-1 (9 pm, SCI-FI) 1) A viral weapon backfires. 2) Quinn digs under his planet's surface to prevent it from exploding. (Repeats)
SATURDAY, JUNE 5
DEEP IMPACT (8:30 pm, CBS) A massive comet is on a collision course with Earth, because comets are just jerks like that.
BRUCE ALMIGHTY (8 pm, HBO) God gives his powers to a half-wit. With a God like that who'd argue with an atheist?
APOCALYPSE NOW REDUZ (8 pm, IFC) Pompous Vietnam war epic, based on HEART OF DARKNESS, now even longer and duller.
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE (11:30, NBC) Jennifer Aniston hosts and the Black Eyed Peas perform. (Repeat)
SUNDAY, JUNE 6
HANNIBAL (7 pm, USA) Hannibal Lecter finds himself in over-stylized mess of a film. Directed by the hit or miss Ridley Scott.
THE SIMPSONS (8 pm, FOX) Edna dumps Skinner for some comic book guy. (Repeat)
THE MYSTERY OF THE WAX MUSEUM/HOUSE OF WAX (9 pm, TCM) The original and it's ever more popular 3-D remake together back to back. You pick your favorite mad sculptor, Lionel Atwill or Vincent Price. Yikes.
And so we say farewell.
So good day and good luck, wherever you may be and with whatever you may be doing (provided it's not a felony; if so bad luck, bad luck in spade to you jerkface.)
Got a letter send it to Tvwasteland@cinescape.com.