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A TV critic stalls for more time

By Andrew Hershberger     June 16, 2003

Greetings Cinescapers! Last week this humble TV critic asked for you the reader to come up with pitches for the worst possible direction for season three of SMALLVILLE and boy did you ever! Response was overwhelming. So many of you contributed ideas, and good ones at that, that I'm going to have to take an additional week just to go over all the submissions with the proper attention they deserve. Great stuff folks, and to be frank, there are more than a few of you out there who should have my job (but, alas, I'm not going to give it to you).

Now with rerun madness plaguing me intermittently, I've had to develop new interests to stem the tide of insufficient new programming. (True, STARGATE SG-1 has helped and to a lesser degree - a much, much lesser degree - TREMORS: THE SERIES, but it's still not enough.) So now I'm on the Internet all the time.

Since so many can fall victim to rerun madness and become prone to writing or saying unappealing things like, "The White Stripes are nothing but a sub par Led Zepplin wannabe group whose current popularity stems mostly from the mundane current music climate and the surge of lead being pumped into our drinking water," I've taken it upon myself to suggest a web site that will certainly distract you from the telly.

That website is tildanet.com, a homegrown site that offers a plethora of exciting entertainment news, interviews and whatnot. Do yourself a favor and give it a shot. Heck, bookmark it. Tell all your friends. Tattoo the name on your arm. Name your baby tildanet.com. Go crazy with it Cinescapers!

On TV this week we've got a bunch of reruns, some old films and a few new episodes here and there. Watch with caution.

And don't forget to write in with your SMALLVILLE pitch at feeback@cinescape.com.



Jack O'Neill (Richard Dean Anderson) leads the crew of STARGATE SG-1.

1) Goa'ulds do something that puts something in danger. Start to wonder if they can do anything that doesn't put the Earth in danger. Reluctantly decide, "No there isn't." 2) Somebody infects the team. My bet is "The artist formerly known as Prince," his grooves are way infectious. 3) O'Neill risks everything to score points with an alien chick. Men take note. 4) It's the twin episode. When the Goa'uld attack an alternate Earth, the team teams up with their alternate Earth doubles. Surprisingly few goatees are involved. (Repeats)

SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS (8 pm, NIK) Spongebob becomes a lifeguard, thousands drown.

U.S. MARSHALS (8 pm, TBS) Sequel to THE FUGITIVE had star Harrison Ford wisely bowing out so that he could concentrate on stellar original films like HOLLYWOOD HOMICIDE.

CSI: MIAMI (10 pm, CBS) An innocent man stands trial. Billy Joel wonders what his hit '80s album ever did to anybody. (Except, perhaps, put them to sleep.) (Repeat)


SMALLVILLE (8 pm, WB) Don't you just hate it when cornfields are left unattended for so long that when you eventually go to harvest them you find a 16 year old spaceship? Or at least that pesky friend of Super Clark's does. (Repeat)

MODELS PREFER COLOR COSMETICS  (8 pm, QVC) Hey everybody, it's the fifth anniversary special. Get your credit card handy, I've got a feeling, call it a hunch, that there's going to be a lot of color cosmetics for sale at a considerable discount. (Warning: QVC cosmetics should not be applied to the face, neck, ears or any other part of the body that's covered with skin. Keep away from small children and animals you want to live.)

LAST COMIC STANDING (9 pm, CBS) The death count grows. This week Dana Carvey stabs Adam Sandler in the eye with a screwdriver and Mike Myers uses his magic pelvic thrust to propel Rob Schneider down a flight of stairs. Afterwards a kill-happy Myers stands over Schneider's limp form and screams, "Yeah, baby!"

KEEN EDDIE (9 pm, FOX) The show's rascal pet sidekick Pete gets courted by ad executives who want to make him the poster boy for a pet food company. Isn't this a FRAISER episode? Curious viewers wonder why Fox is insistent about making them suffer when 24 is not on.


AWESOMELY BAD HAIR (7 pm, VH1) Show demonstrates that often fashion is its own worst enemy.

ENTERPRISE (8 pm, UPN), The crew crams into a small shaft during a storm. Archer immediately regrets eating all those black bean

Lukas Haas discovers that a guitar can bring him fame and fortune in the "Harsh Mistress" episode of THE TWILIGHT ZONE

enchiladas. (Repeat)

CHASED BY DINOSAURS (9 pm, SCI-FI) Nigel Marven encounters the largest known land animal ever and is promptly squashed. (Repeat)

THE TWILIGHT ZONE (9 pm, UPN) 1) Guy finds a magical guitar, together they team up to solve supernatural crimes. 2) A woman dreams of the idealized family. Later realizes her idea of an ideal family came from a Kodak commercial. (Repeats)


TIGER SHARK (8 pm, NGC) The poor man's great white gets the documentary treatment from scientists who can't help yawning.

DUMB AND DUMBER (8 pm, WB) Nothing but a warm up for DUMB AND DUMBERER.

CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (9 pm, CBS) An aggressive sexual predator has the team calling in a heavy-accented Austrian, Major Dutch, who claims to have battled one in South America. (Repeat)

WITHOUT A TRACE (10 pm, CBS) A bride disappears, is replaced by best friend. (Repeat)


LIVE AND LET DIE (8 pm, UPN) A great Roger Moore Bond sports one of the few Paul McCartney songs that's

Clark (Tom Welling) tries to learn more about his identity in the "Skinwalker" episode of SMALLVILLE

still cool.

TREMORS: THE SERIES (8 pm, SCI-FI) Burt investigates a Graboid sighting, finds Elvis instead.

FRANKENSTEIN (8 pm, TCM) James Whale's 1931 version remains one of the best horror films of all time. Give in to absolute pleasure and watch this.

STARGATE SG-1 (9 pm, SCI-FI) O'Neill regresses to his teen years, finds appreciation for the comedic style of Jim Carrey.


BEN-HUR (6 pm, TCM) Never underestimate the awesome charm of a Charlton Heston biblical epic. What Vincent Price does for horror, Mr. Heston does for God.

BARB WIRE (8 pm, UPN) Pamela Anderson Lee gave her finest performance in this classic tearjerker.

ROMANCING THE STONE (8 pm, AMC) Michael Douglas used to be likable, watch and find out.


THE SIMPSONS (8 pm, FOX) Homer moves in with a gay couple, subsequently divorces Marge. (Repeat)

THE CROW (8 pm, TBS) This revenge fantasy is one of the better comic book adaptations out there. Every Goth friend I have has this film and A NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS.

ALIAS (9 pm, ABC) Sydney's father is forced to drastic measures to impress his daughter. Later they go out for punch and ice cream.

And that's the shows for this week. Next week you'll get to be the disgruntled WB program planner who is trying to bring the company down in our special poll, "Operation Kryptonite."

Feel free to contact me about shows you want to see listed, the state of your life, how much you wish Sonia was back and/or the new Ween album Quebec at feedback@cinescape.com.

Oh, and New Hope, Pennsylvania residents, do tell Ween that I love them and I read Chocodog.com every other week or so when I've got nothing better to do.

TV Wasteland is our weekly Television column.


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