Greetings Cinescapers. First off I'd like to thank all of you for your wonderful letters, advice, and the dead rat. As you'll no doubt notice there have been a few changes to TV Wasteland since last week; first of all, my spelling is a little better, and second I've stopped using the column as a platform to discuss my undying love of Melissa Joan Hart (yum).
Melissa, don't worry, I still love you - as those thousands of letters I've sent attest. Please marry me, and read my script. I think you'll like how I've incorporated Sabrina into the STAR WARS mythos.
Now many a Cinescaper has been a wondering where their TV Wasteland was come Monday, and well, I cooked up a little April Fools trick where I'd have it run Tuesday instead and make everybody think I got fired! Well, the problem was that I didn't run this by my editor (thanks beer, my false friend) and my joke almost became a reality. It's like that Bee Gees song, "I Started a Joke."
Anyway, April Fools! Ha ha, ho ho, and I'd like to give a big raspberry to all those who sent in their letters saying how happy they were to see TV Wasteland cancelled after only its first week. Send us more hate and love mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
TUESDAY, APRIL 1
BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (8 pm,
SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS (8 pm, Nick) Bliss out to the crazy Sponge who never sucks, he absorbs. What zaniness will come from his intake? Perhaps he'll become SPONGEBOB SQUAREDRESS.
SMALLVILLE (9 pm, WB) It's sucksville for Jonathan when he's accused of putting a cap in Lionel Luthor's a** and Lana's dad won't do s*** about it! (How's that for cheap scatological humor?) (repeat)
24 (9 pm, Fox) Jack has to find out the truth behind the Cypress tape. The president and the vice president argue, but, really, who's going to listen to the vice president? That guy's a loser.
TOTALLY FREE HARDCORE PORN (12 am 12 pm, FOX) Yes, that's right, Fox is showing nothing but hardcore porn today. So get out your remote and slap yourself silly with it if you fell for that. April Fools (again).
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 2
TREMORS: THE SERIES (8 pm, SCI-FI) Last week's back to back premiere episodes get reheated and shoved down our throats again.
ENTERPRISE (8 pm, UPN) Looks like INVADERS OF THE BODY SNATCHERS when aliens start stealing the souls of the crewmembers. Sounds a bit religious; watch this episode and you get to miss one Sunday
ANGEL (9 pm, WB) Cordelia has turned to the dark side and rather than chalk it up to the corrupting influence of the Force, Angel confronts a demon... the agent who cast him in VALENTINE.
THE TWILIGHT ZONE (9 pm, UPN) Some crazy guy thinks he's carrying an alien plague and a different guy battles wits with the creator of a perfect machine, but enough about me.
THURSDAY, APRIL 3
Sabrina, The Teenage Witch (8 pm, WB) Back to back repeats of SABRINA means double the Satan.
CADDYSHACK (8 pm, FX) "I want a hamburger... no, a hot dog. I want French fries... no onion rings..." Yes, it's the greatest movie about golf ever.
THE QUIET MAN (8 pm, AMC) John Ford and John Wayne team up in this film about a boxer who finds love and bad in-laws in lovely Ireland, a personal favorite of mine and all others who are unafraid to wear the title of sissy embroidered on their pants.
CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (9 pm, CBS) The team discovers robotic sports while investigating a crime, go figure.
WITHOUT A TRACE (10 pm, CBS) Television reporter disappears, replaced by similar robot.
FRIDAY, APRIL 4
POLICE ACADEMY 2: THEIR FIRST ASSIGNMENT (8 pm, FAM) Does the laughter ever stop? Yes, yes it does.
THE BLACK STALLION (8 pm, TCM) Mickey Rooney helps a kid break in a horse in this nifty kids film.
A HAUNTING IN CONNECTICUT (9 pm, DSC) Two "sensitive" types try to rid a house of ghosts. The owners should be more concerned with ridding it of hucksters.
SATURDAY, APRIL 5
JAWS (8 pm, ) Killer shark finds the Cape to be one big snack bar. Scenes of it wearing a people bib were deleted when test audiences confused shark with funnyman Louie Anderson.
INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM (8:30 pm, NBC) "No time for love Dr. Jones, you have to appear in a sub par sequel." Hands on heart operation is worth a watch, if NBC shows it.
SPACE COWBOYS (9 pm, TNT) I've heard of pigs in space, but geezers in space?
SUNDAY, APRIL 6
FUTURAMA (7 pm, FOX) When Leela gets involved with another man, Fry kills her... wait, sorry, he becomes upset.
THE SIMPSONS (8 pm, FOX) It's another classic sideshow Bob episode. Shame it's a rerun. Best watch something else.
ALIAS (9 pm, ABC) A CIA agent finds his identity in question after his job is dorked up. Bummer.
DRAGNET (10 pm, ABC) The boys discover that a woman's suicide may have something to do with her second job - fry girl at Hardees.
Well, that wraps up the week. Remember, if there are any shows that you are partial to, don't hesitate to contact Cinescape at email@example.com. We will try to include them in future columns.
TV Wasteland is our weekly Television column.