Wolverines 8 Essential Rules for Dating - Mania.com

Wolverine Featured Article

15 Comments | Add


Rate & Share:


Related Links:



  • Series:

Wolverines 8 Essential Rules for Dating

The Tao of Wolverine: Logan Provides Relationship Advice

By Chad Derdowski     January 29, 2010
Source: Mania.com

Wolverine's 8 Tips for Dating
© Mania/Bob Trate

With over 100 years of life experience, James Howlett (a.k.a. Logan, a.k.a. Patch, a.k.a. Weapon X, a.k.a. Wolverine) has quite a bit of experience under his belt.  With that in mind, we asked the ol’ Canucklehead for some advice on dating.  After all, you don’t live for a century and not pick up a trick or two…


8. Dress to Express, Not to Impress

“Lissen up, bub–whether they’ve got an X gene or not, most women are at least a little psychic.  Doesn’t matter if it’s yer first date or your 50th--they can smell fear.  It won’t do ya any good to suit yerself up in fancy duds and pretend to be somethin’ yer not.  Lissen to old man Logan on this one–just be yerself.  Fringed leather jackets and flannel shirts (preferably sleeveless) are the way to go in this case.  Maybe even wash ‘em before ya go out.”

7. Don’t Mention Yer Previous Relationships

“Nobody wants to spend an entire date listenin’ to you jabber on about the redhead you knew back at the loggin’ camp who was datin’ the foreman or the redhead from Department H who was married to yer boss or that redhead at the mutant school who was going out with yer leader.  Pay attention to the redhead you’re with right now.”

6. Take Her Out To a Nice Place

“Me, I’m happy sittin’ in the back corner of the local saloon, poundin’ brews ‘till somebody’s stupid enough to start a fight.  But chicks ain’t always into that sort of thing, so you gotta take ‘em someplace fancy.  Be creative–maybe the Blue Area of the Moon or Asteroid M.  Or just let her pick the place.  But I’ll warn ya, bub–if she’s the type a girl who likes the Madripoor nightlife, she ain’t the type a girl you wanna take home to mom.  An’ I’d appreciate it if you’d pass her number along to me.”

5. Make Sure She’s Legal

“Yeah, I spent a little time with Kitty Pryde n’ Jubilee, but we was just friends and anybody who says otherwise gets skewered.  Still, it did a number to my rep an’ I still get shit about it from Charlie.  So do yerself a favor and check their ID.”

4. Don’t Judge Her By Her Family

“You’re dating her, not her family.  Keep that in mind when you her brother shoves a samurai sword through your abdomen and you discover that she’s descended from a long line of Yakuza assassins.  Doesn’t change who she is, bub; and it doesn’t mean it won’t work out.  The worst thing that’ll happen is that she might get poisoned with blowfish tetrodotoxin by a rival assassin… and even then, it ain’t like revenge isn’t fun, right?”

3. Good Hygiene is a Must

“Lissen bub, you gotta wash yer drawers once in a while.  And while you’re at it, do something with yourself: you look like a slob.  Ladies like a guy who takes a little pride in his appearance.  Keep yer sideburns trimmed to a manageable length… maybe 3 inches long.  An’ fer chrissakes, would it kill ya to run a comb through yer hair once in a while?”

2. Watch Yer Alcohol Intake

“Havin’ a healin’ factor compensates for hittin’ the booze.  Takes a lot to get me drunk.  But even so, I wind up forgettin’ where I am, who I am or even what I am most of the time.  Can’t tell ya how many times I’ve woken up naked in the middle of a forest with a buncha wires attached to me an’ no mem’ry of the past month.  Best to just avoid it altogether when you’re with a lady.”

1. Don’t Let Yer Friends Tag Along

“You can see yer buddies anytime; leave ‘em behind when you’re out with a girl.  Next thing ya know, they’re gettin’ in yer business, tryin’ to tell ya that they saw her first and it’s a constant source a’ turmoil.
Or worse yet, he rapes her and kills her an’ leaves a bloody mess in yer cabin then shows up ev’ry year on yer birthday and kicks the shit outta you.  Better of just keepin’ friends and females separate.”
“One last word of advice, bub–just be yourself.  Even if you can’t remember who you are.”
Need more advice from Comic Book Characters? Then try Galactus' 10 Rules for Healthy Living


Showing items 1 - 10 of 15
1 2 >  >>  
hanso 1/29/2010 4:36:23 AM

I disagree with Logan's #8.  I prefer Notorious B.I.G.'s take on it, "Dress to impress, spark the bit.ches interest"

dracor00 1/29/2010 6:18:38 AM

#5 is hilarious, dont forget he now is being all buddy buddy with Armor.

I think someone should compile a little black book for Wolverine and list all the ladies of marvel he has hooked up with

monkeyfoot 1/29/2010 7:14:58 AM

Dracors00, per your request, here is a chart some guy with photoshop and alot of time and memory on his hand put together of all the relationships in the X-men universe.


isgrimner 1/29/2010 7:29:23 AM

There is a reason Wolverine "guest stars" in practically every Marvel book every other month, that's because he is the best there is at what he does, and what he does is sell comics.

He's my favorite "super hero" to read.  Unfortunately some of the writers who use him to sell their books, suck at writing the character.   That's the price of being so awesome that everybody wants to use you.

Regarding #5, I don't remember Logan ever having anything but a fatherly/guardian relationship with Jubilee.   Though when Chris Claremont did a little arc on Wolverine, the one where he gave Sabertooth adamantium, Claremont had Kitty Pryde kind of flirt with Logan in one of the scenes.  That arc also had like 6 or 7 of the women in his life capture him for Viper.

fft5305 1/29/2010 8:44:38 AM

Man.... someone has waaaaaay too much time on his hands.  (I hope that wasn't you, monkeyfoot).  As to #5, he does say that he was only friends with both of them.  I don't think the article was implying that there was anything untoward, only that there are some sick puppies out there who try to argue that there was.

DarthDuck 1/29/2010 8:49:15 AM

Great fun Chad.  These are great.

And not to get all serious on your 'for-fun' list but in regards to #5, that's always been one of my favorite aspects of Wolverine is the mentor relationship he takes on.  First Kitty, then Jubilee and now or recently Armor.  Not that there isn't room to make jokes, I'm just saying.

And in response to #1, would it kill him to take Spider-Man along?  That dude could use a Wolverine-style night of no consequences.

monkeyfoot 1/29/2010 9:37:54 AM

Fft5305, no I did't make that chart. I don't have the photoshop no-how, and since I haven't read comics regularly for awhile there are alot of names on that thing I haven't even heard of.

On Wolverine's love life, I wonder if he's just into the straight meat 'n potatoes or has he developed some real kinky stuff over his long life. I mean, who knew Tiger Woods was this wild until a few months ago? Does Logan tell a one-nighter, "Listen skirt, ya gonna have to wear this red wig. And could ya make the bed shake? No, not bouncin' up and down. Do it with your mind!"

Thorn 1/29/2010 11:26:30 AM

 That was pretty darn funny. It even made me - egad - SMILE!

Keep'em comin', bub.

dracor00 1/29/2010 12:47:48 PM

" "Listen skirt, ya gonna have to wear this red wig. And could ya make the bed shake? No, not bouncin' up and down. Do it with your mind!"  "

Monkeyfoot, I nearly choked on my drink that was hilarious


ChadDerdowski 1/29/2010 9:06:33 PM

Agreed.  Bravo, monkeyfoot!

1 2 >  >>  


You must be logged in to leave a comment. Please click here to login.