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The Worst List of Worst Songs

VH1 is a collection of decaying flesh.

By Andrew Hershberger     May 17, 2004


VH1, cable's channel for TV, music, film and celebrity infotainment, both modern day and retro.
© MTV Networks

Based on Actual Television Shows


Greetings Cinescapers! I was watching VH1 the other day and they had one of those "worst songs of all time" shows on and by the end when such abominations as "Everybody Have Fun Tonight," "Achy Breaky Heart," and "We Built This City" reared their ugly head and won the coveted top spots I realized this list is made by 30-year-olds.


Crusty, pungent, has-been 30-year-olds.


The kind that smell like two day old rotten fruit and cut you short if you don't catch their New Kids on the Block references.


The ones who complain that we've never had to suffer like they did in the days before cable TV.


The people VH1 was made for.


Out of ifty songs, nine were from this decade alone.


Out of 10,000 years of music composition nine of the worst sonic atrocities have been made in the last five years.


Nine musical Hitlers, barely a stone throw away from yesterday.


I guess this was to prove that their Depends-wearing souls still were with the hip crowd. That they still had ears for today, and not yesterday. Nice try, Grandpas.


Shouldn't these failures have families, drive Volvos and listen to "the relaxing sounds of the 60s, 70s and 80s"?


Who, besides geriatrics, remembers listening to "The Heart of Rock & Roll" or "The Final Countdown" when they had the immediacy of a contemporary offering?


Oh well, what does it matter? I guess the VH1 folks have nothing better to do than vent upon their channel their disappointment at life into songs that made millions of dollars.


I wonder what the "50 greatest songs of all time" list would be like. Bet you 10 of them are from this decade alone.


Anyway, what does it the above matter, when you consider that Dean Martin obliterated Justin Timberlake in last week's readers survey poll. "Smashing J.T.'s face in as if it was made of wet toilet paper," according to one unnamable reader.


So I guess that means that this week we'll ask who'd win in a fight between Dean Martin or Ghidrah, the Three-Headed Monster.


Please answer immediately to TVWasteland@cinescape.com, the fate of the world is at stake.


Alright enough clowning, let's list the shows that made the grade.


MONDAY, MAY 17


MOTOWN (8 pm, ABC) A smattering of Motown artists perform some of this label's greatest hits.


THE FAIRLY ODDPARENTS (8 pm, NIK) Timmy's wishing frees a goat. (Repeat)


CSI: MIAMI (10 pm, CBS) Horatio goes to New York, making the show's title a little silly.


SHADOW OF THE THIN MAN (10 pm, TCM) Nick and Nora return this time to solve racetrack murders. Surprised they didn't call it TRACK OF THE THIN MAN.


TUESDAY, MAY 18


24 (9 pm, FOX) "11 am 12 pm"

Robin Wright and Cary Elwes in THE PRINCESS BRIDE

Jack discovers the remaining vials of the virus are going to be released. However, he's tired and figures, "what the hey, we've all got to go sometime."


THE BEST YEARS OF OUR LIVES (8 pm, TCM) A trio of World War II veterans can't quite adjust back into society after the war.


VAMPIRE IN BROOKLYN (9 pm, SCIFI) Eddie Murphy teams up with Wes Craven to create a horrible comedy.


THE SHIELD (10 pm, FX) Vic discovers a money-laundering ring, so he has two tens pressed with extra starch.


WEDNESDAY, MAY 19


SMALLVILLE (8 pm, WB) Some hot chick with superpowers tries to influence Clark.


ENTERPRISE (8 pm, UPN) Archer and the Xindi allies try to prevent the super weapon from reaching Earth, but then Archer realizes he's tired and figures, "what the hey, we've all go to go sometime."


GODZILLA (8 pm, AMC) Not the original Japanese version that's enjoying a theatrical release, but the Raymond Burr version in which he plays Steve Martin. While no classic, it counts as one of the few entertaining Steve Martin flicks (GRAND CANYON and CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN my eye.)


ANGEL (9 pm, WB) The gang try to bring down the Circle of the Black Thorn, who are currently running the programming at the WB.


THURSDAY, MAY 20


CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (8 pm, CBS) 1) A millionaire and his wife are murdered. The suspects range from the Professor to Mary-Anne to the Movie Star to a doped-up Gilligan. 2) The team try to find evidence to convict a criminal. Big surprise. (First episode a repeat)


LADY AND THE TRAMP II: SCAMP'S ADVENTURE (8 pm, DISNEY) That wonderful mutt and pure breed couple have a kid who gets into wacky adventures with strays. The parent's blame each other for their child's behavior leading to the subsequent sequels LADY AND THE TRAMP III: THE DIVORCE and LADY WITHOUT THE TRAMP IV: LADY TAKES TO DRINK.


MADAME CURIE (10 pm, TCM) The discovery of radium is

Tony Alameda (Carlos Bernerd) gets into even deeper trouble in 24's "11 am - 12 pm episode from season three..

romanticized.


WITHOUT A TRACE (10 pm, CBS) When a yacht is found with a dead captain and without a woman and her children the team start a desperate search. First stop: shark stomachs. Season finale.


FRIDAY, MAY 21


COURAGE OF LASSIE/SOUNDER/WHITE FANG (8 pm, TCM) There's a lot of mutt on TCM tonight.


JOAN OF ARCADIA (8 pm, CBS) Joan's faith in God is shaken by an illness. Doesn't God have somebody better to talk to?


STARGATE SG-1 (9 pm, SCI-FI) 1) A Goa'uld-human hyrbrid is discovered. They call it a Go-man. 2) O'Neill has to bail Daniel out of trouble. (Repeats)


DRACULA (10:15 pm, AMC) The 1979 John Badham version is based on the stage play and worse, boring. As Lugosi might say "I vant to change the channel."


SATURDAY, MAY 22


STAR TREK II: THE WRATH OF KHAN (8 pm, UPN) The sixth network fills up it's Saturday time slot with a 22-year-old flick. Man, the dough must be rolling in. (However it is the best STAR TREK film ever, for what it's worth.)


TOOTSIE/RAIN MAN/KRAMER VS. KRAMER/MIDNIGHT COWBOY (8 pm, TCM) Four Dustin Hoffman hits, all of which have dated horribly.


JURASSIC PARK (8 pm, NBC) Genetically engineered dinosaurs are inadvertently released from an incompetently run compound.


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE (11:30, NBC) Looks like a repeat.


SUNDAY, MAY 23


THE PRINCESS BRIDE (8 pm, AMC)

VH1, cable's channel for TV, music, film and celebrity infotainment, both modern day and retro.

A man becomes the nicest pirate in the world, gets the girl and helps a man kill his father's murderer.


THE SIMPSONS (8 pm, FOX) Lisa starts up her own newspaper in a pathetic attempt to thwart Mr. Burns' attempt to control all media outlets. Eventually her spirit crumbles and Burns buys up her reactionary daily for pennies, keeping Lisa on board as a shill.


MARTY (8 pm, TCM) Two shy souls find love.


Well let us call it a day. Until next time, toss me a line at Tvwasteland@cinescape.com.




TV Wasteland is our weekly Television column. KARR was the evil talking vehicle on KNIGHT RIDER.


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