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The Worst of TV Wasteland

Unmemorable vintage blurbs

By Andrew Hershberger     June 21, 2004


(l to r) James Cromwell, Andre Braugher, Samantha Mathis, Rob Lowe and Rutger Hauer star in TNT's version of SALEM'S LOT.
© TNT

Greeting Cinescapers! Wow, it's officially summer and doesn't that beat all! As a special summer tribute to re-runs I've decided to cull through the Wasteland archives and bring you a smattering of classic blurbs relevant to this week's offerings. I'm sure somebody will enjoy it.


This week frequent contributor Aaron Thall contributes, see if you can find his offering.


Well I've got to go back to my favorite summer drink, whiskey straight up, but until next week write me at TVWasteland@Cinescape.com and keep Cinescaping!


MONDAY, JUNE 21


THE FAIRLY ODD PARENTS (8 pm, NIK) Vicky abducts a teen idol; show ends with a horrific shoot-out with the cops. (Repeat)


SALEM'S LOT (8 pm, TNT) Vampires in Maine, part two of two.



CSI: MIAMI (10 pm, CBS) A porn star is murdered and the evidence points to a sex offender. Makes sense. (Repeat) (Write up from the 5/24/04 episode of TV Wasteland)


JAWS 2 (10:45 pm, AMC) An American Movie Classic.


TUESDAY, JUNE 22


BIOGRAPHY (8 pm, A&E) Learn more about mass murderer Ted Bundy. (Repeat)


INSPECTOR GADGET 2 (8 pm, DISN) Gadget returns in scaled down direct to video form.


AFI'S 100 YEARS ... 100 SONGS (10 pm, CBS) The hundred greatest songs in American movies; number one "Uncle F**ka" from SOUTH PARK: BIGGER, LONGER & UNCUT.


WEDNESDAY, JUNE 23


THE GODFATHER, PART II (8 pm, SPIKE) Michael

(l to r) James Cromwell, Andre Braugher, Samantha Mathis, Rob Lowe and Rutger Hauer star in TNT's version of SALEM'S LOT.

Corleone's tragic descent into crime becomes even more tragic.


THE SIMPLE LIFE 2: ROAD TRIP (9 pm, FOX) The dynamic duo go to a nudist colony.


ENTERPRISE (8 pm, UPN) Hoshi gets held hostage. Try saying that five times fast. (Repeat) (Write up from the 10/13/03 episode of TV Wasteland)


IT'S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD WORLD (10 pm, TCM) Star studded comedy is packed with everything but laughs.


THURSDAY, JUNE 24


WITHOUT A TRACE (8 pm, CBS) Television reporter disappears, replaced by similar robot. (Repeat) (From the 4/1/03 episode of TV Wasteland


CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (9 pm, CBS) A brutal murder in Las Vegas exposes a sad drug-infested world and the hottest slots in town. (Repeat) (From the 4/1/03 episode of TV Wasteland)


STEPHEN KING'S KINGDOM HOSPITAL (9 pm, ABC) Wayne Newton shows up as a maintenance man.


TRU CALLING (9 pm, FOX) Tru enters

STAR TREK III: THE SEARCH FOR SPOCK

a beauty pageant ostensibly to save a contestant, but really to win. (Repeat) (From the 3/15/04 episode of TV Wasteland)


WITHOUT A TRACE (10 pm, CBS) A missing women's sexual history is revealed, one of the team says, "Did we really need to know all that?" A different member of the team steals a copy of the Kama Sutra off the missing women's bookshelf. (Repeat) (From the 4/16/04 episode of TV Wasteland)


FRIDAY, JUNE 25


COMING TO AMERICA (8 pm, FAM) A prince tries to find love in Queens, NY.


JOAN OF ARCADIA (8 pm, CBS) Will can't help but hate an elderly driver who "inadvertently" killed several people. (Repeat) (From the 2/23/04 episode of TV Wasteland)


HALLOWEEN 5 (8 pm, AMC) An American movie classic.


STARGATE SG-1 (9 pm, SCIFI) 1) 1) Ancient knowledge is downloaded into O'Neill's brain, most of it turns out to be net porn pass-codes. 2) The president sends a documentary crew to film at the Stargate Command base. The stoic resolve of the team dissolves as they fight it out for camera time. Part one of two. (Repeat) (From 3/8/04 and the 2/9/04 episodes of TV Wasteland, respectively)


SATURDAY, JUNE 26


POWER RANGERS DINOTHUNDER (8:30 AM, FAM) "The writers get incredibly lazy and just let the Rangers watch an episode of the show their fighting footage comes from. The Rangers become relieved that they don't have to deal with funky wigs and vomit inducing fruit curry." (-Aaron Thall)


A.I.: ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE (8 pm, ABC) Spielberg and Kubrick do a PINOCCHIO story.


STAR TREK III: THE SEARCH FOR SPOCK (8 pm, UPN)

Michael descends into evil in THE GODFATHER PART II.

Kirk trades a son for a Vulcan.


SEX IN THE CIVIL WAR (10 pm, HISTORY) Tawdry tales from the days of Lincoln.


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE (11:30 pm, NBC) Janet Jackson hosts. (Repeat)


SUNDAY, JUNE 27


BOA VS. PYTHON (7 pm, SCIFI) Mortal enemies in the wild, the Boa and Python have it out.


CHARMED (8 pm, WB) 1) A pair of Grams' go-go boots send Paige back in time. 2) The girls have their identities and powers stolen by a trio of nogoodnicks. Warning: It's an evil twins episode. (Repeat) (From the 1/5/04 and the 10/6/03 episodes of TV Wasteland respectively)


THE SIMPSONS (8 pm, FOX) Homer gets Marge blamed for his DUI yet the marriage continues. (Repeat) (From the 3/15/04 episode of TV Wasteland)


ALL THAT HEAVEN ALLOWS/MAGNIFICENT OBSESSION (8:15 pm, TCM) Double dose of Douglas Sirk.


Now wasn't that just dandy! Too bad we have to call it a day, so until next week be sure to cram my mailbox with your letters at TVWasteland@cinescape.com.

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