Jessica Chobot
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WWJCD: Rewriting The Rules Of Horror

Stop and ask your average individual over the age of five and under the age of 50 what the standard plot “rules” are within your average horror movie and chances are they’ll be able to rattle them off as if they were an extra from Scream.  

While such acknowledgment of the killer’s how-to handbook is worked into the latest and greatest blood-and-gutters, very rarely are any alternative solutions ever offered up to the hapless heroine (I would include “hero” except that guys always get killed no matter what. Why? Easy. No boobies. Plus it’s mega-uncool to hear a guy scream like a woman…unless that guy is Chris Tucker. Then it’s just annoying). 

That’s why it’s necessary for me to step in and write up a mini “Girl’s Guide To Survival” article in the hopes of giving some of these clueless chicks a decent chance at making it halfway through the movie with their blood-sacks still intact. 

“That’s great,” you say, “but who the hell are you?” 

I am Jessica Chobot. A semi self-righteous, definitely self-centered, opinionated harpy of a female who has little patience for stupidity and even less for the dumb broads that one finds in such horror classics as…. “Let’s Scare Jessica To Death” (I thought that since this is my first foray into writing for Cinescape, such a title would be appropriate). However, I do have a smidgeon of sympathy for them (Damn you feelings! You ruin me!), and so without further ado….. 

Jessica Chobot’s Girls Guide To Survival: Let’s Scare Jessica To Death. 

Let's Scare Jessica To Death Poster

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Having spent 6 months in lockup after suffering from a nervous breakdown while living in New York City (at least that part makes sense), Jessica travels with her broke-ass husband and his hairy best friend to the New York countryside in order for some rest and relaxation.  

After purchasing the ‘Ol Bishop Place and taunting some of the local war veterans, they run into an thin-lipped female drifter (that’s the romantic term for “squatter”) who seems to have some sort of mysterious connection with the town and the house and keeps trying to get it on with everybody. 

1. If you’re insane, do not let your husband take you to cemeteries. Indulging in your passion for gravestone chalk rubbings is a poor excuse for appreciating fine art and is probably not the best way to approach your mental health issues. Nor should your family truckster be a hearse (painting a peace sign on the door is not going to save the obvious and cheesy foreshadowing that its presence has allowed to occur).

WWJCD? (What Would Jessica Chobot Do?) First off, I wouldn’t be crazy. Secondly, I wouldn’t be married. I’ll cut Jess (since the character and myself have the same name, to avoid confusion, I’ll be referring to her as “Jess”) some slack regarding hanging out in cemeteries and owning a hearse though (I used to be goth, so I can relate). 

2. Do not taunt the locals. Nothing quite says “A-hole,” than a group of city dwellers rolling into the joint and ripping on all of the old war vets hanging out in front of the country store. If these are the peeps that are planning to kill you, then you might as well strap a glow-in-the-dark target over your vitals. If these aren’t the folks that are going to kill you, remember that these are the ones that might save you. Unless you’re a dick.

WWJCD? I suggest that after you’ve settled into your haunted house or whatever, that you fire up the oven and bake a bundt cake. Everyone loves cake. If you don’t think that one cake will be enough, then I would recommend cupcakes instead. That way, everyone gets their own little slice of Betty Crocker and no one will feel left out. Also, make sure that when you drop it off at the barbershop or local grocery store that you talk to the old men hanging out on the porch. Specifically the guy with the “summer teeth” (some are there, some aren’t). Chances are that the serial killer is a member of his family, or himself. By chatting with him over your confectionary delight, you may end up inadvertently saving yourself. At worst, he’ll kill you quick and with minimal torture. 

3. Never, ever, ever, ever hang out with hippies! Their lack of responsibility and concept of “free love” pisses off your average conservative murderer. Not only that, but they piss me off too.

WWJCD? I would never hang with hippies in the first place. They stink and are annoying. ‘Nuff said. 

4. Do not turn down the lesbian vampire’s sexual advances. Why? Because she’s a lesbian vampire whose being sexually inappropriate. That’s why!

WWJCD? This should be a no-brainer. She’s hot. She can give you immortality. For whatever reason, she’s finding you attractive enough to feed from. Take advantage of this golden opportunity and experience the biggest orgasm you’ll ever have followed by eternal slumber or the biggest orgasm you’ll ever have followed by immortality and eternal youth. I see only a “win-win” in this situation.


5.   Never buy an old house that people refer to as, “The ‘Ol _____ Place.” These places are always rife with creatures of the night and sauntering in as if you own the place (even if you do), is just asking for disaster. Also, avoid any buildings that have been previously owned by preachers, evangelists or rabbis. **Note: If you do happen to find yourself holding the mortgage to the ‘Ol ____ Place, never hold a séance in there no matter what. Milton Bradley Ouiji boards should also be destroyed.** 

WWJCD? Avoid anything that looks antiquated. That means no more shabby-chic. Instead, take a cue from Brangelina and start installing uncomfortable modern furnishings with sharp edges sparingly throughout your abode. For those of you that cannot afford high level modern luxuries, might I suggest Target’s upper-middle class home collection? I’m thinking glass. I’m thinking stainless steel. I’m thinking anything that looks like it could easily be found in an LA nightclub. 

This isn’t rocket science people! This is basic, everyday, common knowledge stuff that should be followed. So remember: don’t taunt the locals, avoid wearing patchouli and squelch those desires to call upon Satan and you just might make it back alive from that “ol’ time country” apple picking excursion you were planning on.