Y2omaKe: Year of the Otaku - Mania.com

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Y2omaKe: Year of the Otaku

By His Lordship Chaos     -

Well, it's been some time since this guy last ranted and was able to get it posted rather than being burned at the stake for an Anime heretic. Christmas has come and gone, seeing with it many a happy DVDs, CDs and BYOBs coming into my possession. Actually, they came into my friends' possession, but let's keep my kleptomania a secret, okay?

I was definitely eager on Christmas day to see what Anime "Santa Chaos" had left for me in my stockings. However the stockings I went to inspect were not a part of the Christmas decorations. They were in fact fishnet stockings belonging to Red Queen Kasumi Tendo, who then pulled out her whip and politely exclaimed that I had been a naughty little otaku this past year and must therefore lick her boots.

Aside from that (and naturally omitting that ugly 'falling space colony/Akira blast/2nd Impact' incident, which we shall never speak of again), things are indeed looking up for the small cult population of we the otaku.

Yes, the Ygg2K bug proved to have no bite and was promptly squashed by the goddess (2nd class, limited) Skuld. And now Anime has entered the new millennium with the grace and subtlety of Largo executing a Satellite Strike. The question remains: what frontiers are left for Anime to conquer?

Let's ruminate whilst I vegetate....

In an unprecedented Pay-per-View TV event, a cage match is held between North American released Pokemon and the soon to be NA released Card Captor Sakura: Ash & Pikachu vs. Sakura & Cerberus (her tiny...lion- thingy)! Call me crazy in cheering for the Yamato, but I'm putting my money on Sakura. Aside from the fact that I'd like to see Pikachu get Pika-chucked out of the ring, at least Sakura changes her clothes every episode.

Proof is found that the second shooter on the grassy knoll was actually EVA 01.

Genetic advancements create the world's first real-life Nekojin. This catgirl proves to be incredibly kawaii...right until she sheds all over Oprah Winfrey.

Nabiki Tendo takes over as host for Regis Philbin in "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire". Only decades later do people realized she rigged contestant's row to be full of half-wits (i.e.. C-ko, Mihoshi, Gourry, Kuno and Sana-chan). With none of them even getting the first answer right, Nabiki then signed the $1,000,000 cheques over to herself on a weekly basis.

A scientific team led by Washu announces that they have found the cure for world hunger. Unfortunately, the formula is promptly devoured by Miaka.

Ranma Saotome and Jackie Chan team up for the comedic, action-packed martial-arts movie: Drunken Master 1/2.

Studio Ghibli announces its foray into the automobile industry, stunning the world with the presentation of its first and innovative model: the Nekobus! It uses no gasoline or diesel fuel, just cat food. Genetically-created catgirl volunteers to be official spokesneko.

There is no truth to the rumour that Hal 9000 and Canal are one and the same computer.

Mysteriously, the chief executive officers of Media Blasters are told to "go fly a Kite."

After reluctantly agreeing to sing a duet with Britney Spears, renowned seiyuu and singer Megumi Hayashibara gets annoyed with the teen pop star, and Dragu Slaves her on stage. The deafening applause lasts for an hour.

Warren Beatty announces his running mate, someone with as big a grasp on reality as he has. His candidate for the first virtual vice-president: Sharon Apple. Zentradi citizens immediately flee the country.

The Rocky Horror Mecha Show opens in London, England to rave reviews. It goes on to become the longest-running mobile suit musical in history, featuring the smash hit "Gundammit Janet!"

Microsoft changes its corporate name to GENOM.

As you can see, the future of fanboys and fangirls is practically limitless. So let us toast to the year 2000, for the hour of the otaku is upon us! All one needs is their Anime, and if barring that, access to the Eye of God to destroy any and all people who laugh at us.

This is His lordship Chaos, wishing you all the best in the new year, and hoping against hope that he can have his own Hardsuit to terrorize the neighborhood with one day.


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