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Your Anime Horoscope

By His Lordship Chaos     -

(Komawari cappuccino not included)




Well it's been some time since the last philosophy was mulled over, before you blinked numerous times and feared that the government was being too lenient with their 'get out of the padded cell free' cards. This is naturally to be expected, since yours truly has been spending his every waking hour in the attempt to get his newest Anime idea, Card Captor Sakura Taisen, made into an OVA.



[Cue an SD Dark Schneider-chan seated in behind an anti-aircraft gun!]



SD Dark Schneider-chan: [firing ideas off at Bandai] "Come on! OVAlate, damn you! OVAlate!"



SD Chaos-chan: o.O [ack!] "Don't shoot! I've apparently got a wife and kid!"



SD Hysteria-chan: ^-^ "Hai, Chaos-poppa! Ooooh, and Hysteria's got a kawaii little frilly apron-chan for you to wear in this kawaii little rant-chan!"



SD Chaos-chan: "Perhaps I should step into the line of fire."



Tamagoyaki: [dressed up in a BGC hardsuit] "Can I have your DVD collection then?"



SD Chaos-chan: "Where's your sympathy, you Cosplaying rodent?!"



Tamagoyaki: "Non-existent, along with any shreds of dignity you've deluded yourself into believing you have."



SD Chaos-chan: "Shut up."



Yes, and wasn't that just a lovely non-sequitur sanity break? But seriously, we here at Teacup Central have decided to show our appreciation to all you philosophizing otaku out there. Now now, there's no need to cringe! Not yet, at least.



Through unlocking the secrets of the future with psychics Hinako (and her freaky dreams about the Tokyo Tower once more being a lightning rod for global destruction) and Hitome (who can play a mean Blackjack with her tarot cards), we have gazed into the future and now predict what your horoscope holds in store for you. In the words of the infamously dubbed Nephlite/Nephrite/whatever: "The stars control everything...."



Well, the writers too.



IF YOU BIRTHDAY IS TODAY: You have a strong intuition, and a creative talent that must be nurtured and developed. Unfortunately this won't ever happen thanks to you stealing a chicken leg from Lina Inverse, and she Dragu Slaves you in retaliation.



CAPRICORN (Dec.22-Jan.19): Social events will lead to discord. The boy you kiss at your prom unleashes a demon sorcerer named Dark Schneider. Running off with Arshes Nei, he Megadeths the gymnasium just because he feels like it, and then steals your limo. And you thought Guns N' Ro was going to be the band playing tonight.



AQUARIUS (Jan.20-Feb.18): Laughter is the very best medicine; try to remember this when a space colony falls from the sky and lands on you.



PISCES (Feb.19-Mar.20): New job openings are appearing in your near future, after you accidentally cause a space colony to crush some hapless Aquarius.



ARIES (Mar.21-April 19): Be sure to have the correct papers if you are going to be unceremoniously transported to a pan-dimensional world this week. Unfortunately, the goddesses at Megami Paradise don't take well to guys, and sacrifices you to the Dark Mamamega.



TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Feel free to viciously club to death the next person who expresses condolences (or titters) when they learn that you went to Jusenkyo, and got your sorry butt dunked into the cursed Spring of Drowned Armadillo.



GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Sudden disruptions in your personal life have left you feeling uncertain about that large duelling arena in your academy's forbidden forest. Now's the time to get married--but make sure Anthy does not cater the reception. Sidenote: sacrificing ChuChu to appease the Dark Mamamega will bring you added luck today.



CANCER (June 21-July 22): be open to new possibilities today when you find yourself trapped in a naughty tentacle hentai...you poor unlucky sot. Beware sporting events: yaoi boxers lie in wait.



LEO (July 23-Aug.22): no matter what you say, you are still not a cabbit.



VIRGO (Aug.23-Sept.22): a cute li'l mascot will appear and tell you that you're a magical girl fighting for love and justice...KILL IT. Hey, it's either that or you go back to your Gundam pizza delivery job.



LIBRA (Sept.23-Oct.22): Don't be intimidated by the remorseless & lethal ninja, Jyubei, standing in front of you as you read today's horoscope. Try to put things in perspective and see it from his point of view. Take his words to heart. After that, it'll be easier for you to take his sword to heart when he rams the blade through your chest. On the plus side, all those gallons of blood spurting out through the wound will make you a lovely addition to anyone's garden statue collection!



SCORPIO (Oct.23-Nov.21): Your personal relationship is going to hit some rocky times when your girlfriend runs off with that favourite mecha you've been waxing with a diaper for the past 5 years. Try to understand her feelings, and realize you would have done the same thing. It's just as well, since Battle Angel Alita has been checking you out in the C'est Lavie bar. Keep lots of WD-40 handy.



SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22-Dec.21): Misunderstandings abound when your teacher catches you in the stall with Toilet Hanako. Further misunderstandings will ensue when your teacher then punts you out from the stall, and locks it shut with her & Hanako inside.



BIRTHDAY BABY: unexpected travel comes your way today--and not just down the birth canal either! In 5 years, you will be sent back into the past to antagonize the younger versions of your parents, because your current, older parental versions are refusing to give you your allowance. You are just so annoying!

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